We Can Be Forever
Prologue
Are you ready? This is your chance.
She nodded, exhaling a long deep breath before making her way towards the stage. With every step, her heart threatened to leap out of her chest. The silence was deafening. Her head throbbed with excitement and there seemed to be no one else in the room but her. Even in the infinite darkness, she still felt suffocated by the bated breaths and the expectant invisible crowd. Her nails dug into her palm while the other hand gripped the microphone tightly. Was this really her moment? Could she finally prove herself to the world? Her face grew hot and suddenly her throat felt tight. NO! She made it too far to fail now. When you can't go left and you can't go right and the ground is solid beneath you, the only way is up. She stepped forward, lifting the microphone to her lips, and let her heart break free.
Baby, can't you see, I'm falling...
A guy like you should wear a warning...
It's dangerous, I'm falling...
She closed her eyes, imagining the flowers around her, the colors snaking around her while the seductive melody swayed her into a dance. For a moment, it felt like her feet were lifted off the ground, setting into flight towards a distant dream. Her body felt like liquid, losing itself in the song, a mutated counterpart to its original rendition. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? It made her feel drunk with some kind of pleasure, maybe the pleasure of being lost in her own world, created by her own voice, or maybe it was the pleasure of being where she has always wanted to be, doing what she loved.
Toxicate me now with your lovin' now...
I think I'm ready now, I think I'm ready now...
The loss of a dream has never felt so dangerously close before. She opened her eyes, feeling herself settle back down to earth and in front of her: light, people, silence. Their eyes were mesmerized, trapped in a haze and they have not left yet, while she has departed, ripped away from that seductive haze when the music ended. Suddenly, the deafening noise sang to her ears: clapping. Everyone stood up, clapping loudly though as though their own departure from the haze has brought them to the realization that all of the four judges, the people who would ultimately decide her fate, had already turned around. From the left most side was a handsome clean-shave man, hair standing up in almost a faux hawk manner. The solemn expression on his face made it almost hard to believe that he had been the first one to press the button. Next to him, a black man wearing sunglasses. Underneath his cool expression, he was still swaying to the dizzying effects of the music. He didn't know what it was when the melody first started playing, but when he heard the chorus, he had to turn around. The blond diva sat on his left, smiling genially at the girl who still has not processed that she has brought the crowd to a speechless silence and the judges to her feet. The young girl reminded her of another young girl back in her day, her best friend, eager to share her gift with the world with that same song. And next to her, the country star shook his head, as if to shake off the effects of the haze before he would say anything. He hasn't felt like that since college since he took his first shot of marijuana.
The girl on the stage looked around again, almost unable to understand why the crowd had gone silent again. Her thoughts fell back to her nightmare of being naked on the stage until she looked down at herself to see that she was still wearing her black dress. Fortunately, she had not tripped over its length during the song when she moved around. She was most definitely not bald, she thought, feeling her black hair matted on her forehead and sticking to the back of her neck because she had been too nervous. She resisted the urge to wring her wrists, a nervous twitch that would no doubt wear her arms down to the bone. She recognized the people in front of her, having learned their names before she came to Chicago. Going from the left, Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton. If they asked her anything about these people, she wouldn't be able to tell them much except that she knew the name of their songs.
"What is your name?" Or at least, that's the way her mouth moved.
She smiled timidly and answered, "Ruby Li."
"Where are you from, Ruby?" The gentleman to the far right asked, eying her with interest. She could tell he had a twang in his voice from the way his lips moved.
"I'm from Texas. Dallas, Texas," she answered more confidently this time. If these were the questions that were going to be asked...
"That was an amazing experience, Ruby," he started again, chuckling, "I never felt that high since college and I'll bet you that experience isn't something you can get with the cheap weed they passed around in my day."
"Oh Blake, wait till Miranda hears about this, she's going to kick your butt!" Christina laughed. "I would have to agree. You were on pitch the entire time and your voice was so unique that when I closed my eyes, it felt like water was moving over me."
"No way, baby," the black man said. Cee Lo grinned, "It was like sweet honey, sliding down my throat. Baby, you made everyone in this room want to make love to their sweetheart."
Ruby blushed, ducking her head. They kept talking and throwing compliments back and forth before finally, he, Adam, spoke up, "Ruby, may I ask you a question?"
Her eyes widen, unable to read his eyes. His face was like stone and she was almost afraid of what he was going to say. What if he-- "Why are you barefoot?"
She looked down at the ground, dismayed to see that her feet were not safely hidden from the crowd, but her toes were peeking out. "I..."
Her voice was failing her. Instantly, it felt like the ground was going to swallow her up or she was going to melt into a puddle on that stage. They can't know! No one will take her seriously. No one will believe her then. Her dream would fall apart and everything she had worked for would go to waste. Suddenly she felt a hand on her arm and when she looked up, she saw Carson, the man who had arrived to her home that rainy day. The throbbing of her head made it almost hard to make out the words on his lips, but she barely caught it: "Her feet had been hurting before the show started so I told her she can just be barefoot.”
Adam nodded, as though satisfied by the answer before moving on. Christina started speaking, giving her compliments and saying why she would be a valuable coach for the girl. Ruby felt like she would probably collapse if Carson hadn’t held her up. She felt bad, making him lie for her like that, but he understood her dream. Cee Lo’s words seemed to drift right past her. He wasn’t the one who could help her. He knew soul and beauty, but even he couldn’t save her.
Blake gave his piece before Adam started talking, “As you can see, everyone else is willing to work with you and guide you along your path, but Ruby, I will take you above and beyond. There’s so much pain in your voice, the loneliness is almost overwhelming and I bet that everyone else in the room can feel the emotions coming from your heart. I want to help you bring that to the world, so that not just the people in this room know about you, but every single person in the entire world will know you.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe. It could work. She looked at Carson again and he smiled at her, gesturing patiently towards the judges. He mouthed the words to her, “It’s your time, Ruby.”
She looked to the judges and back to him. She knew what kind of trouble he could get into from lying when the coaches find out about her condition and she didn’t want him to get fired because of her. He brought her dream to her that day and she can’t sacrifice him. She shook her head and smiled sadly at him. It was like her dream was being handed to her on a silver platter if she accepted a deal with the devil and she can’t do that, especially if her good friend’s job and career is in danger for what he was doing. His face fell, realizing what she was going to do next, but he was powerless to stop her.
She turned towards the crowd, her hands moving slowly, and said, “Hi. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I’m actually deaf.”
She nodded, exhaling a long deep breath before making her way towards the stage. With every step, her heart threatened to leap out of her chest. The silence was deafening. Her head throbbed with excitement and there seemed to be no one else in the room but her. Even in the infinite darkness, she still felt suffocated by the bated breaths and the expectant invisible crowd. Her nails dug into her palm while the other hand gripped the microphone tightly. Was this really her moment? Could she finally prove herself to the world? Her face grew hot and suddenly her throat felt tight. NO! She made it too far to fail now. When you can't go left and you can't go right and the ground is solid beneath you, the only way is up. She stepped forward, lifting the microphone to her lips, and let her heart break free.
Baby, can't you see, I'm falling...
A guy like you should wear a warning...
It's dangerous, I'm falling...
She closed her eyes, imagining the flowers around her, the colors snaking around her while the seductive melody swayed her into a dance. For a moment, it felt like her feet were lifted off the ground, setting into flight towards a distant dream. Her body felt like liquid, losing itself in the song, a mutated counterpart to its original rendition. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? It made her feel drunk with some kind of pleasure, maybe the pleasure of being lost in her own world, created by her own voice, or maybe it was the pleasure of being where she has always wanted to be, doing what she loved.
Toxicate me now with your lovin' now...
I think I'm ready now, I think I'm ready now...
The loss of a dream has never felt so dangerously close before. She opened her eyes, feeling herself settle back down to earth and in front of her: light, people, silence. Their eyes were mesmerized, trapped in a haze and they have not left yet, while she has departed, ripped away from that seductive haze when the music ended. Suddenly, the deafening noise sang to her ears: clapping. Everyone stood up, clapping loudly though as though their own departure from the haze has brought them to the realization that all of the four judges, the people who would ultimately decide her fate, had already turned around. From the left most side was a handsome clean-shave man, hair standing up in almost a faux hawk manner. The solemn expression on his face made it almost hard to believe that he had been the first one to press the button. Next to him, a black man wearing sunglasses. Underneath his cool expression, he was still swaying to the dizzying effects of the music. He didn't know what it was when the melody first started playing, but when he heard the chorus, he had to turn around. The blond diva sat on his left, smiling genially at the girl who still has not processed that she has brought the crowd to a speechless silence and the judges to her feet. The young girl reminded her of another young girl back in her day, her best friend, eager to share her gift with the world with that same song. And next to her, the country star shook his head, as if to shake off the effects of the haze before he would say anything. He hasn't felt like that since college since he took his first shot of marijuana.
The girl on the stage looked around again, almost unable to understand why the crowd had gone silent again. Her thoughts fell back to her nightmare of being naked on the stage until she looked down at herself to see that she was still wearing her black dress. Fortunately, she had not tripped over its length during the song when she moved around. She was most definitely not bald, she thought, feeling her black hair matted on her forehead and sticking to the back of her neck because she had been too nervous. She resisted the urge to wring her wrists, a nervous twitch that would no doubt wear her arms down to the bone. She recognized the people in front of her, having learned their names before she came to Chicago. Going from the left, Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton. If they asked her anything about these people, she wouldn't be able to tell them much except that she knew the name of their songs.
"What is your name?" Or at least, that's the way her mouth moved.
She smiled timidly and answered, "Ruby Li."
"Where are you from, Ruby?" The gentleman to the far right asked, eying her with interest. She could tell he had a twang in his voice from the way his lips moved.
"I'm from Texas. Dallas, Texas," she answered more confidently this time. If these were the questions that were going to be asked...
"That was an amazing experience, Ruby," he started again, chuckling, "I never felt that high since college and I'll bet you that experience isn't something you can get with the cheap weed they passed around in my day."
"Oh Blake, wait till Miranda hears about this, she's going to kick your butt!" Christina laughed. "I would have to agree. You were on pitch the entire time and your voice was so unique that when I closed my eyes, it felt like water was moving over me."
"No way, baby," the black man said. Cee Lo grinned, "It was like sweet honey, sliding down my throat. Baby, you made everyone in this room want to make love to their sweetheart."
Ruby blushed, ducking her head. They kept talking and throwing compliments back and forth before finally, he, Adam, spoke up, "Ruby, may I ask you a question?"
Her eyes widen, unable to read his eyes. His face was like stone and she was almost afraid of what he was going to say. What if he-- "Why are you barefoot?"
She looked down at the ground, dismayed to see that her feet were not safely hidden from the crowd, but her toes were peeking out. "I..."
Her voice was failing her. Instantly, it felt like the ground was going to swallow her up or she was going to melt into a puddle on that stage. They can't know! No one will take her seriously. No one will believe her then. Her dream would fall apart and everything she had worked for would go to waste. Suddenly she felt a hand on her arm and when she looked up, she saw Carson, the man who had arrived to her home that rainy day. The throbbing of her head made it almost hard to make out the words on his lips, but she barely caught it: "Her feet had been hurting before the show started so I told her she can just be barefoot.”
Adam nodded, as though satisfied by the answer before moving on. Christina started speaking, giving her compliments and saying why she would be a valuable coach for the girl. Ruby felt like she would probably collapse if Carson hadn’t held her up. She felt bad, making him lie for her like that, but he understood her dream. Cee Lo’s words seemed to drift right past her. He wasn’t the one who could help her. He knew soul and beauty, but even he couldn’t save her.
Blake gave his piece before Adam started talking, “As you can see, everyone else is willing to work with you and guide you along your path, but Ruby, I will take you above and beyond. There’s so much pain in your voice, the loneliness is almost overwhelming and I bet that everyone else in the room can feel the emotions coming from your heart. I want to help you bring that to the world, so that not just the people in this room know about you, but every single person in the entire world will know you.”
Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe. It could work. She looked at Carson again and he smiled at her, gesturing patiently towards the judges. He mouthed the words to her, “It’s your time, Ruby.”
She looked to the judges and back to him. She knew what kind of trouble he could get into from lying when the coaches find out about her condition and she didn’t want him to get fired because of her. He brought her dream to her that day and she can’t sacrifice him. She shook her head and smiled sadly at him. It was like her dream was being handed to her on a silver platter if she accepted a deal with the devil and she can’t do that, especially if her good friend’s job and career is in danger for what he was doing. His face fell, realizing what she was going to do next, but he was powerless to stop her.
She turned towards the crowd, her hands moving slowly, and said, “Hi. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I’m actually deaf.”
Chapter One
“Congratulations, man, you rocked up there. You did it!”
It was as though the man was suspended in disbelief, staring at the crowd as though he hadn’t heard Carson announce his name. He truly did. After a year’s worth of hard work, countless of hours and days spent singing and struggling against what people called the impossible dream, he had done it. From day one, he didn’t think it was so hard to wake up everyday and believe that he was going to stay on The Voice, and yet, here he was, the ultimate winner.
He felt hard arms closed around his shoulders and realized it was his coach, Adam. This man has been with him every step of the way, struggling with every flaw in his voice. When they pulled back, a wide smile was on his face and words came from his lips, words only meant for him to hear, “Javier, man, you are just supernatural. I don’t even know where to begin. This is it. This is your start; from here on out, you are the boss!”
The three other coaches stood up and his friends, his rivals, all crowded around him, weeping tears of happiness for him and tears of their own. The crowd cheered for him, and for a second there, he truly believed his heart could burst from pure happiness.
This was it. He was getting his shot at paradise.
***
The cold air sliced at his arms as he zoomed down the Californian streets towards his apartment. He knew what loomed in his near future and it wasn’t pretty, but for some reason, he couldn’t wait to get there. Perhaps to get it over with as soon as he could and move on, or perhaps to confirm what he had always feared. Adam revved the engine of his motorcycle but no matter how loud it roared, he could still hear the pounding of his heart. The fear, the horror, the bleak knowing that when he arrived home…
“Anne?” He called out when he jerked the door open. His apartment was dark and everything appeared untouched except for one thing. He couldn’t smell her perfume and he couldn’t feel her presence anymore. She wasn’t here to leap into his arms and it was then that he realized she had meant it. Adam suddenly felt constricted, as if someone tied a rope around his heart and pulled it, meant to shatter his ribs and chest wide open so that his heart would be ripped right out of him. It wouldn’t matter then, he was already a lost man.
Good bye, Adam.
- Anne
The cursive handwriting was smeared with tears and yet he couldn’t bring himself to keep it with him. Instead, he ripped it up, throwing the pieces into the air as if they would vanish. He should have listened. He should have believed her when she told him that she felt lonely, that she wanted him home instead of being on The Voice, that she wanted to get married to him. But damnit, he wasn’t ready and he probably would never be ready, but if it was Anne, he should have given it a try.
He made himself walk through every room in his apartment, to be sure that she was truly gone from his life and didn’t want anything to do with him any longer. There were no traces of her clothes, the lacy lingerie she wore for him or the hair products and make up that would littered all over his bathroom counter. He couldn’t smell her scent anymore and the pictures of them… perhaps the cruelest of them all. They were left behind, the smiles and the kisses. It was as if she left them behind her, abandoning their memories and the very essence of what it was like to be Adam and Anne. The girl left behind in those frames, he could no longer recognize and he couldn’t bear to look at her.
Adam left himself fall onto the bed, but he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep when he could hear the moans and groans of their past lovemaking, when what was supposed to be a torrid affair became something much more than love. And now? Crumbled to nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. He reached for the phone and thought about calling her again, but he didn’t think he could stand hearing her voice telling him to leave a message.
He could look for her, he knew. He could find her within a moment’s notice, but she wouldn’t come back to him. This had been one time too many, the one time too many that he thought he could put his work before his most important person and now he was paying for it. God, why did it hurt so badly? He didn’t think he ever had to come home to her not being there. He had become so dependent on hearing her scream his name when he arrived him and her running and jumping into his arms as if he had not come home in years when he had only been away for weeks.
When the phone rang, he pressed connect, not bothering to find out who was on the other line, but he didn’t have to wait long before he heard his best friend, Jesse, say, “Hey man, are you home yet?”
“What do you want?” He didn’t mean to sound curt, but right now, he didn’t know if he could hold in his tears without grinding his teeth.
“Hey man, chill, what’s got your ass all tight?” Jesse responded defensively, “Late flight? Another fight with Anne?”
“She’s gone.”
That was it. They both knew what it meant. When Adam had said that, the two of them went back to the day when they both breached the subject of love. As best friends and guys, they didn’t like to fall into the sentimental phase for long, but eventually, they knew they had to give it a go just to get it out of the way. Adam, after the break up with Jane and drunk out of his mind, was about to throw up when he declared that if one more bitch broke his heart, he was done. When he woke up the next day, his hangover reminded him of that promise. As for Jesse, well, Jesse didn’t care for love. His music mattered as much to him as Adam did, having struggled with the thirty-two-year-old since the day they became best friends in high school.
He cleared his throat and lowered his voice, “Adam, you wanna go grab a beer?”
“No, Jesse. I’m going to sleep.”
Jesse didn’t like that voice. Adam’s voice lost its vibrant sound and was now a dead monotone, cracked and shattered beyond repair. The last time he was like this, Jesse had been around to rile him up so they can write a couple of love songs about his ex-girlfriend and get it out of his system… now, when Adam said no, he meant no. Jesse nodded, knowing that his friend couldn’t see him, “Alright… You know how to reach me.”
When Adam hung up the phone, he threw it on the floor before walking into his kitchen and grabbing a trash bag. He grabbed every single picture frame, every single abandoned memory, every single fucking reminder of her and tossed it in the bag. When it was heavy and full, he returned to his bedroom, opening the balcony door and before his mind even registered what had happened, the bag went over the railing. For a split second, he found himself reaching for the bag, making a last grab at those memories but he didn’t.
When he returned to his room, he looked around again. The room looked sterilized and devoid of human presence. When his eyes passed the closet, he hesitated for a split second before shaking his head. Grabbing his phone, he sent her the farewell message.
“I’m not going to look for you.”
***
He was pushing himself harder than before. Every time he placed his feet in front of him, he could feel his heart lurch out of his chest. The sweat was sliding down his face but he could barely feel it with the winter Californian wind against him. In a split second, he felt utter bliss. He had reached that runner’s high. He let his feet carry him away from the park and the next thing he knew, he was standing in front of his house, heaving his chest out to catch his breath. It has been a while since he let himself exercise and get away from the media, from being a host.
When he opened the house, he could smell his girlfriend’s pot roast and hear his son’s laugh in the living room where his mother was reading to him. He didn’t know if life could get any better. “I’m home, everybody!”
He made his way to the living room and kissed his mother on the cheek before her phone rang. Carson ruffled his son’s head, who had seemed too engrossed in the picture book to notice his father.
“Carson!” Siri poked her head out of the kitchen, holding the phone against her ear and smiling at him, “Would you please hold the fort down for a second? I gotta run upstairs to get something.”
He smiled, kissing her on the lips as he passed her along the way. Jackson saw his father enter the kitchen and stumbled after him, cheerfully screaming for his daddy until he was finally picked up. His light strands feathered his head and those huge chocolate brown eyes took up half of his face. Carson grinned, holding the boy up and kissing him on the forehead before running him around the kitchen island. He gave one last glance at the pot roast to see that it was secure before running out to the living room.
His mother was on her phone with a shocked expression on her face, a forlorn look in her eyes, and her mouth slightly agape. He had only seen Pattie Daly Caruso’s expression like that one time in his life and it had been when she found out that she had breast cancer. Siri was running down the stairs into the kitchen saying something incoherent about the burnt smell that traveled upstairs but Carson wasn’t paying attention. He was concerned about his mom. They had cried so much when they found out about her cancer and they both fought so hard against it. It would kill him if it had come back with a vengeance.
“What is it, mom?” he asked, sitting down in front of her when she muttered a soft farewell on the phone and hung up. She sniffed, biting her lips though she allowed her son to take her hand. “What’s wrong? Who was that?”
“That was Father Stevens, from Texas. He was telling me about Ruby. Linda passed away this morning.”
Carson took his mother into his arms, realizing what this news meant for the girl he had brought to California a while ago. Linda Luu had been his mother’s best friend, another person afflicted with breast cancer, only… she didn’t make it out alive. He remembered the day that he came into the hospital to see his mother in her shared room with the lady only to see a girl wiping away her grandmother’s sweat because she had been in pain from the chemo. When he had greeted her and got no response in return, he brushed it off at first, thinking that she was probably just shy and concerned for her grandma’s condition, but then he came to learn from his mother that the girl was deaf.
It was an ear infection that eventually took away the hearing from both of her ears. She had been singing ever since the age of five before it happened during her senior year as a high schooler and when she came down with a fever, she woke up one day from a nightmare, screaming to hear her own scream but distraught when she could hear nothing but silence. The girl had cried for days, unable to communicate with anyone except through paper. She could only stare from person to person, not knowing what they were saying and trying to read their faces. She suddenly became lost in a world without sound, a world without music.
To top it off, she was expected to cope without her parents, learning the ropes on her own from her grandmother. It was hard for him to believe it. Hear her sing, Carson. She’s amazing. The girl acknowledged his presence later when his mother tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to her throat and did the signal for singing. Ruby had blushed, looking over to him and shaking her head. She was clearly conscious of the presence of strangers in her present condition. His mother laughed and insisted upon it, telling her to sing a classic for the two old ladies. With a nervous smile, she inhaled and exhaled and took off her shoes before slipping into her elements, forgetting the people in the room while she sang. Before he knew it, there was a crowd outside the room, having heard her voice from down the hallway.
She was an orphan, living with her only other family member, her grandmother, because virtually everyone in her family had passed away. He could tell the two confided in each other. Linda would communicate with her using sign language and words, letting the girl read her lips and telling her to do the same so that she could preserve her voice. If his mother hadn’t told him about her condition, he wouldn’t be able to tell that she was deaf because she simply didn’t sound like it.
Almost half a year later when his mother was discharged, Linda and her granddaughter were leaving the hospital as well. It was a day memorable for their having survived cancer. They said their farewells and his mother promised to visit Texas and that was that. Without another word, Linda and Ruby had returned to Texas. When The Voice was premiering, he knew she was the first person he wanted to go see.
He arrived in Texas with his mother early on a Sunday, early enough to catch the grandmother and her granddaughter coming back from church in the rain. Ruby looked at him with surprise before glancing over to his mother and smiled at both of them. Linda hugged his mother before inviting both of them into the house. Linda told her granddaughter to prepare for them something to eat and Ruby scampered off into the kitchen to bake cookies. Carson didn’t remember much about what his mother had said that day, but he could never forget the words that came from Linda’s lips.
***
“It’s so nice of you two to visit us,” Linda smiled, holding his mother’s hand, “I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten about us.”
“Of course not, Linda,” Pattie said, scooting closer to her best friend, “We are here with good news, of course. I don’t know if you watch a lot of TV or not but Carson has become a host for this new show…”
Linda eyed him with interest, congratulating him before waiting for his mother to continue, “Well, it’s a singing show and we all know how amazing Ruby is so Carson wanted to give her an invitation to audition. I remember how you told me that she has always wanted to sing and I, for one, think she’ll definitely grab the coaches’ attention and win it.”
The old lady blinked, not registering the information yet and looked over at him. Carson laughed before saying, “Mom, you’re getting too excited and confusing Linda. Let me explain how it is…”
When he had finished, Linda was silent, her head looking down at the glass of water that Ruby had brought out half an hour ago with the cookies. When the young girl was going to sit down, Linda signed something to her, causing her to look over at the two, mother and son. The young girl smiled before grabbing a piece of paper and writing I’m glad you two are staying over for dinner!"before she ran back into the kitchen with renewed energy. Linda finally spoke again after a moment of silence, “And you said that it means she has a chance at a career for singing?”
Carson nodded, reaching into his pocket to bring out the invitation only to see her shake her head. “I appreciate the gesture, y’all, but it’s just… I don’t know if I can bear to see her go through that. The whole world will know that she’s the way she is and they will ridicule her.”
“Linda, Ruby is special, she has a unique voice and she works hard. We all know that,” his mother grabbed the older woman’s hand. “Don’t you want her to live comfortably? With this, she has a chance to do what she loves and get paid for it. Both of you will live comfortably!”
When that was said, Linda wiped away a tear from her eye, “About that… a few months ago, I lied to you Pattie.”
“What do you mean, Linda?”
Carson felt the room grow cold and in the background, the fridge opening and closing. He could almost hear the words leave her lips before they did so. “My breast cancer… it was too late to do anything for me. I only have about a year left.”
Pattie let out a loud sob before bringing the woman into her arms and they cried together. Ruby poked her head out of the kitchen, as if ready to tell everyone that dinner was done, until she saw people in tears. She came out, going on her knees in front of the two old ladies, confused as to why they were in tears. She looked over at him, writing down the words, What’s going on?, on a piece of paper.
Linda grabbed the paper before she was able to give it to him and shook her head. She signed the following while saying, “Carson has some good news for you. I was just really happy, that’s all.”
She proceeded to tell the girl about the news before eventually concluding, “It’s up to you. Do you want to give this a go?”
Ruby shook her head, a dark fleeting memory passing through her eyes before she bit her lips, looking away from the invitation. Carson had not really anticipated that reaction, even knowing of her past. He opened his mouth to apologize when she stood up quickly ready to run off until Linda grabbed her arm, almost painfully and shouted, “NO. Stop running. I didn’t take care of you for seven years to help you get back on your feet to run away from your problems!”
The younger girl shook her head furiously, tears flowing down her face before she fell down on the ground, soft whimpers leaving her lips. She kept signing the signal for refusal before she looked over at mother and son and apologized wordlessly. Pattie held the young girl’s hand and squeezed, as though regretting her decision to come here until Linda signed to her granddaughter, “It’s your chance. It’s your chance to live your dream. Don’t let it go because of what’s happened to you. Don’t let it go to waste because you’re afraid of failure.”
Ruby wiped her tears away before going off towards the kitchen, leaving the room in silence. Linda sighed, wiping her tired eyes before gripping the invitation. Pattie gripped her friend’s hands before asking softly, “Why did you decide to change your mind?”
“Look at her. I didn’t realize until a while ago that all of these years of taking care of her, she has become dependent on me and it’s hard for her to grow that way. It really is. And with what’s happening to me… what will she do when I’m gone?” Linda stifled a soft sob. Carson sat there, unsure of what to do. He felt for the woman, he really did, but in such a setting where he was the only man in the house, he really did not know what to do.
He walked into the kitchen, watching as Ruby moved around, trying to distract herself from recent events. When she saw him, she mustered a small smile before turning back to the pot of soup. He called out her name at first but realized that she could not hear him, so he texted her. When she saw the text, she stared at it for a while before glancing at him and realizing that she couldn’t ignore him because he was standing right there.
Your grandmother really cares about you, you know. She knows how much you love to sing.
I know.
She doesn’t want you to waste your life away just staying at home and hiding from the world.
I’m not ready, Carson.
Not many of us are ready when we go against the world. Some are better prepared and others are simply blessed. And there are some, like me, who have to get by with what we have.
Where do I fit in?
He didn’t know how to answer that question. Carson bit his lips and shook his head as he grabbed her shoulder and said, “Ruby. You have a gift. Your voice is a gift. I can’t ever put myself in your shoes when it comes to what it feels like to be deaf but I do know that to do what you do with what you have, no one else can do that. That’s why I came here today. Your grandmother told me how much you loved to sing when you were younger and how much you still do because it’s in your blood.”
When she didn’t respond in any way, he continued, “Please, think about it. You’re twenty-five years old and you have so much ahead of you. Are you really going to let all of that slip by?”
Carson sighed and let her go. Now it was time for her to think. Now it was time for him to leave her alone and let her think things through. When he came outside, the two old ladies were no longer crying but smiling softly upon their talk of the memories of their time together at the hospital, always going against doctor’s orders because they figured that they didn’t have anything else to do while waiting to die from cancer.
When Ruby came out of the kitchen, a serene expression was on her face. Silence fell over the room when she kneeled by her grandma and allowed her grandma to sweep aside a lock of her hair. She held the invitation in front of her, staring at it and running her fingers over the words before she looked up at the older woman and said the words that did not sound in any way as though it came from a deaf person, “What about you? Will you be coming with me?”
“I’m too old to travel,” she responded, “I think you will be great at it.”
“Really?” Ruby looked to the mother and son for confirmation and they both nodded. A smile graced her lips before she nodded, “Thank you. I would like to take this opportunity.”
Linda took it from her and kissed her forehead before signing, “Go check the food. I think it’s almost done.”
“I’m glad everything is okay again,” Pattie squeezed her friend’s hand. Linda, however, still had a distant look on her face, as though peering far into the future.
“When I saw her face after she came out of the kitchen, I realized that I didn’t want her around me when I am in pain. She has to get used to being without me. I want her to be safe and taken care of when I’m gone, you know? This girl, she works too hard. Ever since my daughter was caught in that plane that went down, I could only thank God that she was too young to understand it all, but she has no one else but me,” Linda shook her head, “I want her to survive after this. She doesn’t know about this, Pattie. Please don’t tell her. I don’t want my grandbaby to stop smiling.”
***
“What was going on with your mother?” Siri asked him when they settled into bed later that night after tucking in their son. “Pattie seemed really sad and didn’t want to talk about it when I had asked her what was wrong.”
Carson sighed, leaning back against the headboard and cradling her shoulder as she snuggled with him. “You remember Linda? From a couple of years ago?”
“The Linda that your mom shared a room with at the hospital? Is she okay? She had a granddaughter right?” Siri’s face was now distorted with concern and Carson felt his heart swell at the blessing he had to find a girlfriend who was as caring as she.
“Yea, Ruby. Linda passed away this morning and now Ruby doesn’t have anyone else.” Carson sighed, kissing his girlfriend’s forehead as she rubbed his chest. “It scared me today, you know? When I saw my mother look like that, I thought that we’d have to go back to battling cancer but then when I learned that it was Linda who lost the battle… I realized how selfish I had been, worrying just about my mother and forgetting that there were others who are also suffering.”
“Baby, it’s not your fault. It’s normal to care about your mother…” She kissed his lips and leaned back down, listening to the heartbeat of his chest. “Don’t blame yourself for that, okay? You already have a lot on your plate.”
“I know… We had known about this last year when I came to get Ruby but Linda told us not to let her granddaughter know. I can’t imagine how devastated she must be right now. Mom and I tried to message her a while ago, but we didn’t get anything back. I just wonder if she’s going to be okay.”
“We should go pick her up.”
“What?” He stared at the woman in his arms, amazed at the compassion in her eyes as she stated what seemed to be the most obvious solution to the problem.
“If she has no one left, and no other family member, it’s logical that she should stay with us. She didn’t get to go to school, right? I’m sure there are choices for her here if she is interested in higher schooling.” Siri explained further, “I really liked her when she came to visit us. She didn’t just sing really well, she also reminds me of my brother.”
They were both silent at that point. When Carson met Siri, it was when he was at the restaurant, trying to communicate with the cook and ended up getting angry because the guy wouldn't pay attention to him and was getting flustered. Siri came in from the front and yelled at him for picking on her brother. From then on, their story began.
“You really mean that?”
“Of course. What she needs most is to be around people so they can take care of her while she’s most vulnerable. Do you want me to talk to mom about it tomorrow and we can try to contact her?”
Carson cleared his throat, trying to process all of this. He had been trying to figure out a way to help her but here was this beautiful woman, ready to take the young girl into their home with open arms. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun because Jackson had refused to go to bed earlier, opting to run out of his bath naked to play hide and seek with his dad instead of getting dressed. Siri chased him around, laughing and caught him, soaking herself in the process. Carson was only able to watch the two from afar, basking in his blessing.
“That would be wonderful. Did I ever tell you how much I love you?”
She smiled, kissing him on the lips. “Yes, but I do like to hear it a lot…”
It was as though the man was suspended in disbelief, staring at the crowd as though he hadn’t heard Carson announce his name. He truly did. After a year’s worth of hard work, countless of hours and days spent singing and struggling against what people called the impossible dream, he had done it. From day one, he didn’t think it was so hard to wake up everyday and believe that he was going to stay on The Voice, and yet, here he was, the ultimate winner.
He felt hard arms closed around his shoulders and realized it was his coach, Adam. This man has been with him every step of the way, struggling with every flaw in his voice. When they pulled back, a wide smile was on his face and words came from his lips, words only meant for him to hear, “Javier, man, you are just supernatural. I don’t even know where to begin. This is it. This is your start; from here on out, you are the boss!”
The three other coaches stood up and his friends, his rivals, all crowded around him, weeping tears of happiness for him and tears of their own. The crowd cheered for him, and for a second there, he truly believed his heart could burst from pure happiness.
This was it. He was getting his shot at paradise.
***
The cold air sliced at his arms as he zoomed down the Californian streets towards his apartment. He knew what loomed in his near future and it wasn’t pretty, but for some reason, he couldn’t wait to get there. Perhaps to get it over with as soon as he could and move on, or perhaps to confirm what he had always feared. Adam revved the engine of his motorcycle but no matter how loud it roared, he could still hear the pounding of his heart. The fear, the horror, the bleak knowing that when he arrived home…
“Anne?” He called out when he jerked the door open. His apartment was dark and everything appeared untouched except for one thing. He couldn’t smell her perfume and he couldn’t feel her presence anymore. She wasn’t here to leap into his arms and it was then that he realized she had meant it. Adam suddenly felt constricted, as if someone tied a rope around his heart and pulled it, meant to shatter his ribs and chest wide open so that his heart would be ripped right out of him. It wouldn’t matter then, he was already a lost man.
Good bye, Adam.
- Anne
The cursive handwriting was smeared with tears and yet he couldn’t bring himself to keep it with him. Instead, he ripped it up, throwing the pieces into the air as if they would vanish. He should have listened. He should have believed her when she told him that she felt lonely, that she wanted him home instead of being on The Voice, that she wanted to get married to him. But damnit, he wasn’t ready and he probably would never be ready, but if it was Anne, he should have given it a try.
He made himself walk through every room in his apartment, to be sure that she was truly gone from his life and didn’t want anything to do with him any longer. There were no traces of her clothes, the lacy lingerie she wore for him or the hair products and make up that would littered all over his bathroom counter. He couldn’t smell her scent anymore and the pictures of them… perhaps the cruelest of them all. They were left behind, the smiles and the kisses. It was as if she left them behind her, abandoning their memories and the very essence of what it was like to be Adam and Anne. The girl left behind in those frames, he could no longer recognize and he couldn’t bear to look at her.
Adam left himself fall onto the bed, but he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep when he could hear the moans and groans of their past lovemaking, when what was supposed to be a torrid affair became something much more than love. And now? Crumbled to nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. He reached for the phone and thought about calling her again, but he didn’t think he could stand hearing her voice telling him to leave a message.
He could look for her, he knew. He could find her within a moment’s notice, but she wouldn’t come back to him. This had been one time too many, the one time too many that he thought he could put his work before his most important person and now he was paying for it. God, why did it hurt so badly? He didn’t think he ever had to come home to her not being there. He had become so dependent on hearing her scream his name when he arrived him and her running and jumping into his arms as if he had not come home in years when he had only been away for weeks.
When the phone rang, he pressed connect, not bothering to find out who was on the other line, but he didn’t have to wait long before he heard his best friend, Jesse, say, “Hey man, are you home yet?”
“What do you want?” He didn’t mean to sound curt, but right now, he didn’t know if he could hold in his tears without grinding his teeth.
“Hey man, chill, what’s got your ass all tight?” Jesse responded defensively, “Late flight? Another fight with Anne?”
“She’s gone.”
That was it. They both knew what it meant. When Adam had said that, the two of them went back to the day when they both breached the subject of love. As best friends and guys, they didn’t like to fall into the sentimental phase for long, but eventually, they knew they had to give it a go just to get it out of the way. Adam, after the break up with Jane and drunk out of his mind, was about to throw up when he declared that if one more bitch broke his heart, he was done. When he woke up the next day, his hangover reminded him of that promise. As for Jesse, well, Jesse didn’t care for love. His music mattered as much to him as Adam did, having struggled with the thirty-two-year-old since the day they became best friends in high school.
He cleared his throat and lowered his voice, “Adam, you wanna go grab a beer?”
“No, Jesse. I’m going to sleep.”
Jesse didn’t like that voice. Adam’s voice lost its vibrant sound and was now a dead monotone, cracked and shattered beyond repair. The last time he was like this, Jesse had been around to rile him up so they can write a couple of love songs about his ex-girlfriend and get it out of his system… now, when Adam said no, he meant no. Jesse nodded, knowing that his friend couldn’t see him, “Alright… You know how to reach me.”
When Adam hung up the phone, he threw it on the floor before walking into his kitchen and grabbing a trash bag. He grabbed every single picture frame, every single abandoned memory, every single fucking reminder of her and tossed it in the bag. When it was heavy and full, he returned to his bedroom, opening the balcony door and before his mind even registered what had happened, the bag went over the railing. For a split second, he found himself reaching for the bag, making a last grab at those memories but he didn’t.
When he returned to his room, he looked around again. The room looked sterilized and devoid of human presence. When his eyes passed the closet, he hesitated for a split second before shaking his head. Grabbing his phone, he sent her the farewell message.
“I’m not going to look for you.”
***
He was pushing himself harder than before. Every time he placed his feet in front of him, he could feel his heart lurch out of his chest. The sweat was sliding down his face but he could barely feel it with the winter Californian wind against him. In a split second, he felt utter bliss. He had reached that runner’s high. He let his feet carry him away from the park and the next thing he knew, he was standing in front of his house, heaving his chest out to catch his breath. It has been a while since he let himself exercise and get away from the media, from being a host.
When he opened the house, he could smell his girlfriend’s pot roast and hear his son’s laugh in the living room where his mother was reading to him. He didn’t know if life could get any better. “I’m home, everybody!”
He made his way to the living room and kissed his mother on the cheek before her phone rang. Carson ruffled his son’s head, who had seemed too engrossed in the picture book to notice his father.
“Carson!” Siri poked her head out of the kitchen, holding the phone against her ear and smiling at him, “Would you please hold the fort down for a second? I gotta run upstairs to get something.”
He smiled, kissing her on the lips as he passed her along the way. Jackson saw his father enter the kitchen and stumbled after him, cheerfully screaming for his daddy until he was finally picked up. His light strands feathered his head and those huge chocolate brown eyes took up half of his face. Carson grinned, holding the boy up and kissing him on the forehead before running him around the kitchen island. He gave one last glance at the pot roast to see that it was secure before running out to the living room.
His mother was on her phone with a shocked expression on her face, a forlorn look in her eyes, and her mouth slightly agape. He had only seen Pattie Daly Caruso’s expression like that one time in his life and it had been when she found out that she had breast cancer. Siri was running down the stairs into the kitchen saying something incoherent about the burnt smell that traveled upstairs but Carson wasn’t paying attention. He was concerned about his mom. They had cried so much when they found out about her cancer and they both fought so hard against it. It would kill him if it had come back with a vengeance.
“What is it, mom?” he asked, sitting down in front of her when she muttered a soft farewell on the phone and hung up. She sniffed, biting her lips though she allowed her son to take her hand. “What’s wrong? Who was that?”
“That was Father Stevens, from Texas. He was telling me about Ruby. Linda passed away this morning.”
Carson took his mother into his arms, realizing what this news meant for the girl he had brought to California a while ago. Linda Luu had been his mother’s best friend, another person afflicted with breast cancer, only… she didn’t make it out alive. He remembered the day that he came into the hospital to see his mother in her shared room with the lady only to see a girl wiping away her grandmother’s sweat because she had been in pain from the chemo. When he had greeted her and got no response in return, he brushed it off at first, thinking that she was probably just shy and concerned for her grandma’s condition, but then he came to learn from his mother that the girl was deaf.
It was an ear infection that eventually took away the hearing from both of her ears. She had been singing ever since the age of five before it happened during her senior year as a high schooler and when she came down with a fever, she woke up one day from a nightmare, screaming to hear her own scream but distraught when she could hear nothing but silence. The girl had cried for days, unable to communicate with anyone except through paper. She could only stare from person to person, not knowing what they were saying and trying to read their faces. She suddenly became lost in a world without sound, a world without music.
To top it off, she was expected to cope without her parents, learning the ropes on her own from her grandmother. It was hard for him to believe it. Hear her sing, Carson. She’s amazing. The girl acknowledged his presence later when his mother tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to her throat and did the signal for singing. Ruby had blushed, looking over to him and shaking her head. She was clearly conscious of the presence of strangers in her present condition. His mother laughed and insisted upon it, telling her to sing a classic for the two old ladies. With a nervous smile, she inhaled and exhaled and took off her shoes before slipping into her elements, forgetting the people in the room while she sang. Before he knew it, there was a crowd outside the room, having heard her voice from down the hallway.
She was an orphan, living with her only other family member, her grandmother, because virtually everyone in her family had passed away. He could tell the two confided in each other. Linda would communicate with her using sign language and words, letting the girl read her lips and telling her to do the same so that she could preserve her voice. If his mother hadn’t told him about her condition, he wouldn’t be able to tell that she was deaf because she simply didn’t sound like it.
Almost half a year later when his mother was discharged, Linda and her granddaughter were leaving the hospital as well. It was a day memorable for their having survived cancer. They said their farewells and his mother promised to visit Texas and that was that. Without another word, Linda and Ruby had returned to Texas. When The Voice was premiering, he knew she was the first person he wanted to go see.
He arrived in Texas with his mother early on a Sunday, early enough to catch the grandmother and her granddaughter coming back from church in the rain. Ruby looked at him with surprise before glancing over to his mother and smiled at both of them. Linda hugged his mother before inviting both of them into the house. Linda told her granddaughter to prepare for them something to eat and Ruby scampered off into the kitchen to bake cookies. Carson didn’t remember much about what his mother had said that day, but he could never forget the words that came from Linda’s lips.
***
“It’s so nice of you two to visit us,” Linda smiled, holding his mother’s hand, “I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten about us.”
“Of course not, Linda,” Pattie said, scooting closer to her best friend, “We are here with good news, of course. I don’t know if you watch a lot of TV or not but Carson has become a host for this new show…”
Linda eyed him with interest, congratulating him before waiting for his mother to continue, “Well, it’s a singing show and we all know how amazing Ruby is so Carson wanted to give her an invitation to audition. I remember how you told me that she has always wanted to sing and I, for one, think she’ll definitely grab the coaches’ attention and win it.”
The old lady blinked, not registering the information yet and looked over at him. Carson laughed before saying, “Mom, you’re getting too excited and confusing Linda. Let me explain how it is…”
When he had finished, Linda was silent, her head looking down at the glass of water that Ruby had brought out half an hour ago with the cookies. When the young girl was going to sit down, Linda signed something to her, causing her to look over at the two, mother and son. The young girl smiled before grabbing a piece of paper and writing I’m glad you two are staying over for dinner!"before she ran back into the kitchen with renewed energy. Linda finally spoke again after a moment of silence, “And you said that it means she has a chance at a career for singing?”
Carson nodded, reaching into his pocket to bring out the invitation only to see her shake her head. “I appreciate the gesture, y’all, but it’s just… I don’t know if I can bear to see her go through that. The whole world will know that she’s the way she is and they will ridicule her.”
“Linda, Ruby is special, she has a unique voice and she works hard. We all know that,” his mother grabbed the older woman’s hand. “Don’t you want her to live comfortably? With this, she has a chance to do what she loves and get paid for it. Both of you will live comfortably!”
When that was said, Linda wiped away a tear from her eye, “About that… a few months ago, I lied to you Pattie.”
“What do you mean, Linda?”
Carson felt the room grow cold and in the background, the fridge opening and closing. He could almost hear the words leave her lips before they did so. “My breast cancer… it was too late to do anything for me. I only have about a year left.”
Pattie let out a loud sob before bringing the woman into her arms and they cried together. Ruby poked her head out of the kitchen, as if ready to tell everyone that dinner was done, until she saw people in tears. She came out, going on her knees in front of the two old ladies, confused as to why they were in tears. She looked over at him, writing down the words, What’s going on?, on a piece of paper.
Linda grabbed the paper before she was able to give it to him and shook her head. She signed the following while saying, “Carson has some good news for you. I was just really happy, that’s all.”
She proceeded to tell the girl about the news before eventually concluding, “It’s up to you. Do you want to give this a go?”
Ruby shook her head, a dark fleeting memory passing through her eyes before she bit her lips, looking away from the invitation. Carson had not really anticipated that reaction, even knowing of her past. He opened his mouth to apologize when she stood up quickly ready to run off until Linda grabbed her arm, almost painfully and shouted, “NO. Stop running. I didn’t take care of you for seven years to help you get back on your feet to run away from your problems!”
The younger girl shook her head furiously, tears flowing down her face before she fell down on the ground, soft whimpers leaving her lips. She kept signing the signal for refusal before she looked over at mother and son and apologized wordlessly. Pattie held the young girl’s hand and squeezed, as though regretting her decision to come here until Linda signed to her granddaughter, “It’s your chance. It’s your chance to live your dream. Don’t let it go because of what’s happened to you. Don’t let it go to waste because you’re afraid of failure.”
Ruby wiped her tears away before going off towards the kitchen, leaving the room in silence. Linda sighed, wiping her tired eyes before gripping the invitation. Pattie gripped her friend’s hands before asking softly, “Why did you decide to change your mind?”
“Look at her. I didn’t realize until a while ago that all of these years of taking care of her, she has become dependent on me and it’s hard for her to grow that way. It really is. And with what’s happening to me… what will she do when I’m gone?” Linda stifled a soft sob. Carson sat there, unsure of what to do. He felt for the woman, he really did, but in such a setting where he was the only man in the house, he really did not know what to do.
He walked into the kitchen, watching as Ruby moved around, trying to distract herself from recent events. When she saw him, she mustered a small smile before turning back to the pot of soup. He called out her name at first but realized that she could not hear him, so he texted her. When she saw the text, she stared at it for a while before glancing at him and realizing that she couldn’t ignore him because he was standing right there.
Your grandmother really cares about you, you know. She knows how much you love to sing.
I know.
She doesn’t want you to waste your life away just staying at home and hiding from the world.
I’m not ready, Carson.
Not many of us are ready when we go against the world. Some are better prepared and others are simply blessed. And there are some, like me, who have to get by with what we have.
Where do I fit in?
He didn’t know how to answer that question. Carson bit his lips and shook his head as he grabbed her shoulder and said, “Ruby. You have a gift. Your voice is a gift. I can’t ever put myself in your shoes when it comes to what it feels like to be deaf but I do know that to do what you do with what you have, no one else can do that. That’s why I came here today. Your grandmother told me how much you loved to sing when you were younger and how much you still do because it’s in your blood.”
When she didn’t respond in any way, he continued, “Please, think about it. You’re twenty-five years old and you have so much ahead of you. Are you really going to let all of that slip by?”
Carson sighed and let her go. Now it was time for her to think. Now it was time for him to leave her alone and let her think things through. When he came outside, the two old ladies were no longer crying but smiling softly upon their talk of the memories of their time together at the hospital, always going against doctor’s orders because they figured that they didn’t have anything else to do while waiting to die from cancer.
When Ruby came out of the kitchen, a serene expression was on her face. Silence fell over the room when she kneeled by her grandma and allowed her grandma to sweep aside a lock of her hair. She held the invitation in front of her, staring at it and running her fingers over the words before she looked up at the older woman and said the words that did not sound in any way as though it came from a deaf person, “What about you? Will you be coming with me?”
“I’m too old to travel,” she responded, “I think you will be great at it.”
“Really?” Ruby looked to the mother and son for confirmation and they both nodded. A smile graced her lips before she nodded, “Thank you. I would like to take this opportunity.”
Linda took it from her and kissed her forehead before signing, “Go check the food. I think it’s almost done.”
“I’m glad everything is okay again,” Pattie squeezed her friend’s hand. Linda, however, still had a distant look on her face, as though peering far into the future.
“When I saw her face after she came out of the kitchen, I realized that I didn’t want her around me when I am in pain. She has to get used to being without me. I want her to be safe and taken care of when I’m gone, you know? This girl, she works too hard. Ever since my daughter was caught in that plane that went down, I could only thank God that she was too young to understand it all, but she has no one else but me,” Linda shook her head, “I want her to survive after this. She doesn’t know about this, Pattie. Please don’t tell her. I don’t want my grandbaby to stop smiling.”
***
“What was going on with your mother?” Siri asked him when they settled into bed later that night after tucking in their son. “Pattie seemed really sad and didn’t want to talk about it when I had asked her what was wrong.”
Carson sighed, leaning back against the headboard and cradling her shoulder as she snuggled with him. “You remember Linda? From a couple of years ago?”
“The Linda that your mom shared a room with at the hospital? Is she okay? She had a granddaughter right?” Siri’s face was now distorted with concern and Carson felt his heart swell at the blessing he had to find a girlfriend who was as caring as she.
“Yea, Ruby. Linda passed away this morning and now Ruby doesn’t have anyone else.” Carson sighed, kissing his girlfriend’s forehead as she rubbed his chest. “It scared me today, you know? When I saw my mother look like that, I thought that we’d have to go back to battling cancer but then when I learned that it was Linda who lost the battle… I realized how selfish I had been, worrying just about my mother and forgetting that there were others who are also suffering.”
“Baby, it’s not your fault. It’s normal to care about your mother…” She kissed his lips and leaned back down, listening to the heartbeat of his chest. “Don’t blame yourself for that, okay? You already have a lot on your plate.”
“I know… We had known about this last year when I came to get Ruby but Linda told us not to let her granddaughter know. I can’t imagine how devastated she must be right now. Mom and I tried to message her a while ago, but we didn’t get anything back. I just wonder if she’s going to be okay.”
“We should go pick her up.”
“What?” He stared at the woman in his arms, amazed at the compassion in her eyes as she stated what seemed to be the most obvious solution to the problem.
“If she has no one left, and no other family member, it’s logical that she should stay with us. She didn’t get to go to school, right? I’m sure there are choices for her here if she is interested in higher schooling.” Siri explained further, “I really liked her when she came to visit us. She didn’t just sing really well, she also reminds me of my brother.”
They were both silent at that point. When Carson met Siri, it was when he was at the restaurant, trying to communicate with the cook and ended up getting angry because the guy wouldn't pay attention to him and was getting flustered. Siri came in from the front and yelled at him for picking on her brother. From then on, their story began.
“You really mean that?”
“Of course. What she needs most is to be around people so they can take care of her while she’s most vulnerable. Do you want me to talk to mom about it tomorrow and we can try to contact her?”
Carson cleared his throat, trying to process all of this. He had been trying to figure out a way to help her but here was this beautiful woman, ready to take the young girl into their home with open arms. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun because Jackson had refused to go to bed earlier, opting to run out of his bath naked to play hide and seek with his dad instead of getting dressed. Siri chased him around, laughing and caught him, soaking herself in the process. Carson was only able to watch the two from afar, basking in his blessing.
“That would be wonderful. Did I ever tell you how much I love you?”
She smiled, kissing him on the lips. “Yes, but I do like to hear it a lot…”
Chapter Two
People were probably expecting her to cry out of grief, to mope around in her room all day, or possibly break down from being alone but she hadn’t. Not so soon after her grandmother had passed on, she promised to be strong. She could feel them look out the window whenever she brought her groceries into the house, whenever she walked around town, whenever she did anything at all. It was as if she was some kind of freak show and now that her grandmother was gone, they were free to stare.
Ruby bit her lips, standing up from her bench swing to go inside. Even after twenty-six years, these people still act as though she were a circus just coming into town. When the phone in her side pocket vibrated, she stared at the words across the screen, briefly not registering the name before it clicked in her head. It was a name that she hasn’t seen in a while now.
I heard the news, how are you holding up?
Well enough.
Any time you need to talk to anyone…
Thank you.
She sat there on the couch, staring at the text and ready to hit send before a message popped up on her Blackberry, indicating that the doorbell was rung. Ruby stared towards the window on the door to see Mrs. Lillian Potter standing there, trying to see inside the house. Oh god, it was that lady again, the one who called everyone a heathen for not going to church while she was not acting very differently from one. Ruby tied her long black hair into a ponytail before checking her clothes to make sure she was presentable before opening the door. The sixty-five-year-old lady with the dyed blonde pixie cut could easily be mistaken for fifty-five for all the charity events that required her to remain active. Her smile was vibrant and almost caring but her eyes told a different story.
She pulled out a note from the basket, presumably containing food, which she was carrying and waited for Ruby to read it. Hi Ruby, I know things have been rough for the past few days. It’s not much, but David and I figured that you might feel better with some of my special blueberry muffins. Any time you want to come over for dinner, please send me a message! Ruby looked up at her blankly, waiting for the lady to initiate the next performance in her act. Lillian handed over the basket, slowly saying, “Like I said, it’s not much… but I wanted to see how you are holding up.”
Ruby cleared her throat, smiling sweetly before she spoke, signing slowly while she did so: “I am fine, Mrs. Potter. I appreciate your concern. At the moment, I am trying to think about what to cook for dinner tonight since I went to get groceries a while ago. Perhaps David and you would like to join me?”
The lady blinked, as though surprised that the girl can speak even though she has been communicating with everyone else that way for years. Ruby waited patiently for the answer with an unreadable smile on her face. What could she possibly say?
"That would be lovely, Ruby, but David and I have already made plans to go out to dinner tonight at La Papillon and I'm sure you're aware of how hard it is to get a reservation there." The lady smiled sweetly and Ruby can tell by the crinkle of her eyes that she did not have any reservations with her husband. Maybe she had a reservation one with the ladies from church for a weekly gossip, but it seemed unlikely that the woman would even be away from her window where she watched for any sign of juicy gossip at her house.
"Alright," Ruby smiled, gripping her door and the basket, "Thank you for these lovely treats. Have a good day, Mrs. Potter.”
It was in that split second that the old lady was not quite her usual self. A look of concern took over her initial expression, one that had been more of a person looking for gossip rather than one of a caring neighbor. “Look, Ruby. I hope you know you are always welcomed at our house. Linda and I may not have a good history but I have known her for almost fifty years, after all, and you are her family.”
Ruby mustered a shaky smile, surprised at her concern and muttered a quick word of thanks before shutting the door. She placed the basket on the table, sighing. She should have been more receptive to other people’s sympathies rather than shrugging them off coldly. They were, after all, trying to look out for her, being aware of her condition. Linda, after the death of her parents, was literally all she had left. The nightmare that took over her life before her senior recital made it almost impossible for her to trust people again.
Three hours later with the dishes cleared and the food tucked into the fridge, she checked her phone to see that she had received an email. Her heart stopped, seeing the name of the sender: Carson Daly. Carson whom she had failed. Carson who had done so much for her and she rejected his efforts when she had come so close to succeeding on The Voice. She wondered how he was doing. The last she had heard from him was from Linda through her correspondents with Pattie – his girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy. It was no surprise that he would send her an email to express his condolences, after all, Pattie had called, undoubtedly in an emotional moment when she had forgotten that Ruby could not communicate that way.
Dear Ruby,
As you may have heard from my mother, a remorseful sorrow fell over my family and I when the news of Linda’s passing have reached us. She has lived a fulfilling life and touched each and every one of us with her bravery and light. I only regret not contacting you sooner to express my condolences, but know that you are always in our prayers.
Please know that my home is always available to you should you ever feel the need to get away. We hope that you would stay with us for some time before going back to the weary conflicts. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Please send word and we will have a room and a ticket ready for you.
Always,
Carson
She stared at the message as her heart fell, both at surprise for his kindness and he reminder that she was truly alone now. No family left at all. What made it worse was her isolation from the world and… what should she even say? How could she tell him that for the sake of her pride, she cannot possibly accept? Being in the same house with the woman who has beaten cancer instead of her grandmother? Ruby hated herself for even breaching the idea but it felt impossible to think of little else when she had lost someone so dear to her.
She stared at the email and, in the end, decided against responding. She wasn’t rational right now and she could not trust herself to respond properly and not hurt her friend. Carson didn't deserve that after telling her that his house was available to her.
***
Adam cleared his throat and nodded before he recalled that the person on the other line could not see him nodding. He felt a little dizzy, his throat dry, and the ideas were running wild in his head, but somehow he managed to quiet them down long enough to say, “Thanks for letting me know.”
With that, he hung up, looking around the room for something to quench his thirst. When he found the vodka, he started fumbling around his bar for a glass but found nothing. Instead, he banged his cabinets and drawers and downed the bottle. He sighed inwardly when the burning liquid slid down his throat and felt his muscles relax. How long has he been since he last drank? He almost didn’t remember. Last night he had been ordering gin and vodka… but then he remembered going to sleep this morning with the taste of tequila in his mouth.
He ignored the knocking on the door and made his way to his couch before turning off the TV. Without a doubt, the lock on the door started turning and with a click, Jesse turned the knob and walked into the room with a furious expression on his face. The crazy thing was, even in the midst of his self destruction, he knew he was going down the wrong path, he just didn’t remember how he was doing so. One moment he was sitting at some small bar by himself, after having driven probably fifty miles on his motorcycle, not to mention it had been a miracle that he didn’t crash and burn because he hadn’t even been half aware at the time, order some gin and vodka; the next, his fist was sinking into this guy’s face. Then another flash and he was waking up in the dirty smelly jail cell in some unknown town, groaning while his band mates shook him awake and took him home.
And sometimes he woke up in strange places, in the beds of women he had never seen before, the tabloids had a field day with him but soon after, it was no longer interesting to find scandalous things that surrounded Adam Levine, he had embraced it so that it was pointless to even try. No one cared about Adam Levine anymore.
“Adam! What the fuck were you thinking?” Jesse bellowed, shutting the door, “Assault? That guy was going to sue us! Why the hell were you even at that place? You were supposed to be at rehearsal! Do you know how long we have left until we go on tour? A year and we haven’t even finished writing the songs yet!”
Adam hiccupped, staring up at his friend with hazy eyes before he burped, “I was thirsty.”
“Do you even remember what happened? What you did? The entire bar saw that and it hit the front page of the New York Times online before midnight came around,” Jesse threw the newspaper at him, the front page filled with a huge picture of his drunkenness. Adam nudged it aside, settling down on his couch. He heard the cabinet open and the sound of rustling plastic followed by Jesse’s cursing. The clinking of wine bottles made his head hurt and he could only groan in pain when the blinds in his apartment were yanked up. “Damnit, Adam. I’m not your fucking maid. Clean yourself up. We need you to issue an apology to the guy.”
“Sure, write whatever you want,” Adam grunted, proceeding to block out the world with a pillow over his ear. For a while, he was at peace until Jesse jerked the pillow from him, a disgruntled expression on his face. “Leave me alone already!”
“You’re a mess, Adam. I don’t know what the hell happened to you but you bounced back after Jane left. Anne’s gone now. She’s not coming back, Adam. It’s almost a year since she is gone and there isn’t a sign that she’s coming back. You’ve got to move on with your life. Did you know that she’s getting married in the Philippines right now?” Jesse remarked sharply, stepping over the mess on the ground to grab some more beer bottles.
“I don’t care.” He really didn’t. He really didn’t care that she was getting married where they agreed the ceremony would take place when he popped the question. Didn’t matter of course, especially since he didn’t get to pop the question. At the time, he had been too sated with sex to hear what she was saying. So he really didn’t care. Somewhere between the third and fourth glass of vodka, Adam stopped caring and he was just fine with it.
“And our opener cancelled—“
“I know.”
“What are we going to do? Elliot’s furious. If we don’t find another one soon, he’s going to cancel the tour.”
Adam burped before settling on the couch in a more comfortable position, “I guess we don’t have a tour.”
“Fuck this.” Jesse muttered, throwing the stuff outside the apartment before opening the door again. “I’m done being nice and gentle as shit with you.”
That said, he jerked the thirty-two-year-old off the couch and pulled him, despite the protests, towards the bathroom where he turned on the shower to ice cold. Adam cursed and pushed at him but he was too drunk to do anything substantial. Jesse, with a frown, dunked his friend’s head under the shower head, letting the guy scream furiously before a strong push moved him off his feet. He fell on his bottom while Adam fell forward, now soaking wet under the shower head. His shirt and part of his pants were soaking wet, but he didn’t care. If Adam didn’t get sober right away, he was going to sock him in the face.
“Look, Adam. We’re going on tour. The guys and I are going to local bars for the mike nights and we’re going to find a fucking opener by August because that’s when Elliot said he’d cancel the show if we didn’t find one. When we find an opener, we’re going to rehearse our ass off and come December, we’re going on the tour. We can do this with or without you. Don’t think that you’re the only one with a voice! But as your friend, as your fucking best friend, man, I’m telling you. Clean yourself up, get sober, and when you’re straight in the head, give me a call.”
Adam could barely crack his eyes open when he heard the front door slam. He couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his teeth chattering and it was like he was being jerked back to life after holding his breath for so long. He stared around the bathroom, half expecting to see the piles of make up on his bathroom counter, the twin bathrobes hanging on the door, the he and she towels on the rack, but there wasn’t. It was just his stuff. Could this be a dream that he was living? Or could he be waking up from one? Why was it no matter what he did, he couldn’t wake up?
Jesse slammed his car door shut after he got in, furious and breathing hard. He wanted his best friend back so they could go back to the days when they wrote love songs about broken hearts and the perfect girl. He wouldn’t even mind going back to the day when no one heard their music because they were too unknown. But what was one to do?
He had spoken to Anne a few weeks earlier, ready to reprimand her and tell her to go back to Adam when it almost hit the one year mark since she had left. He wanted to tell her to stop playing games and come back into the guy’s life, but she sounded so happy that he could not even bring himself to be mad at her. How could he possibly do that when it was evident that her relationship with Adam should have ended much sooner than it had? Neither of them was happy after Adam’s last tour and when he had accepted the job to be a vocal coach on The Voice, their relationship essentially died. Adam wasn’t home for months at a time and it was no doubt that Anne had to find other ways to keep herself company – if the day when she tried to come onto him out of drunken emotional vulnerability was an example of her interaction with men whenever Adam was away. Even so, she was getting married now.
Reunited with a childhood sweetheart, she found the attention and love she needed ever since she became a model and everyone – even Adam had been guilty of this crime once or twice during his moments of fame – had used her as a trophy girlfriend. Knowing that she was happy, Jesse genuinely wanted her to stay that way. During her five year relationship with Adam, they had become good friends, after all, and it would not be fair of him to demand that she give up that happiness for anyone, even Adam.
***
“She’s probably fine, Carson,” Siri squeezed his hand in assurance. “It’s understandable that she wants to be away from the world for a while to recover.”
“I am just a little worried, that’s all,” Carson sighed, slowing down when he came to the street that Ruby lived on. When he spotted her house, he started pulling in only to see another black small car sitting in the front. He could see the light in her front door and that there was someone standing there. “What’s going on?”
Siri frowned when she saw the distressed look on the girl’s face while she was facing her visitor. The young girl seemed to be trying to pull away from him and shaking her head furiously, but he wouldn’t listen. Seeing this, Carson got out of the car, followed by his girlfriend, and they made their way to the front door.
“Come with me, Ruby, I’ll take care of you!” It was a man who looked probably a year or two older than the girl who was holding onto her door frame and shaking her head. No one really would have thought anything twice because he looked so normal, wearing a jacket over his button up and khakis. His hair was a dirty shade of blond, a little bit longer than his ears. “You can’t stay by yourself like this, it’s not healthy. People will try to take advantage of you!”
“Leave me alone, Reid! I’m fine! I can take care of myself!” She tried to yank herself away but with no avail. The young man was persistent, refusing to let her go.
“What’s going on here?!” Carson demanded, pulling the man away from Ruby. Siri rushed over and placed her arms around the girl’s shoulder, ushering her inside the house, “Can’t you see she doesn’t want to go with you? Leave the premises now!”
“Who the hell are you? I’m her boyfriend!”
“I don’t care who you are, but all I know is that Ruby didn’t want to go with you. If you don’t leave the premises in five minutes, I am calling the police,” Carson bellowed and gritted his teeth, staring the man down.
Reid bit his lips and glanced over Carson’s shoulder before shaking his head, “This isn’t over.” He shouted over Carson’s shoulder to the girl in the house, “I’m coming back next week, Ruby!”
“Are you okay?” Siri asked, handing the girl a tissue. When the girl reached for her notebook, she stopped her and signed, “I know sign language. My brother, Nathan, was born deaf.”
“I’m fine. It was just unexpected, that’s all. He’s just a friend.” Ruby shook her head, wiping her tears away. Siri stared at the twenty-six-year-old and was instantly reminded of her brother when she bit her lips stubbornly, determined to be okay in a situation that is hard for even average people to remain untouched.
“I’m Siri, Carson’s girlfriend. We didn’t hear back from you for a while so we were kind of worried, that’s all,” she signed.
When the front door closed, they could both hear Carson stomping down the hallway, asking about Ruby’s well-being to make sure that she was not harmed in any way. Siri shook her head furiously when she saw the look on Carson’s face, a look she recognized to be the precursor to that of his lectures of concern. Carson opened his mouth anyways but said nothing; he was there for a reason and making Ruby feel uncomfortable and scared of him would not help his cause.
When he couldn’t quite figure out how to begin the conversation, it seemed as though she had beaten him to it, “What exactly are you doing here, Carson?”
“We were just worried, okay? I know you like to be strong, but sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Linda was special to us as well,” Carson said, waiting for his girlfriend to translate. When she did, he continued, “She wouldn’t want you to struggle like this senselessly.”
“I’m doing fine by myself—“
“Fine?” Siri shook her head furiously at him but he ignored her, “That was not fine. That kid out there was bothering you and what would have happened if we didn’t come?”
“He was a friend, Carson.”
“So what? It doesn’t always mean that he will be nice to you. Father Stevens was also worried about you and called us. Come live with us, Ruby.”
“I don’t need charity.”
“How are you going to take care of yourself?”
“Carson, stop it, she doesn’t need this right now,” Siri intercepted.
“Yes, she does, Siri, how is she going to pay the bills? Who’s going to hire her? That kid is right, people are going to take advantage of her and I’ll be damned if I’ll let it happen!” He wanted to hit something but decided against it. There was no use showing his anger in front of her, he already messed up but snapping at her. He kneeled down in front of her and said softly but clearly, “Look, Ruby. I care about you. I know you did what you did on The Voice was so I wouldn’t get into trouble and man I was willing to get in trouble for you but I’m also thankful you did what you did because you’re a good person. I think it sucks that you missed out on a chance on The Voice and while I can’t offer something like that again in a very long time, I just want to bring you to LA where you could have another chance at letting people discover you for who you are. Get away from all of this. Now that Linda’s gone, what do you have left to stay for?”
He was right, she can’t argue with that. Ruby knew, even in her stubbornness, that eventually she was going to have to choose and she didn’t want to go with Reid. Before she could respond, Siri added in, “Think of it this way… even if you move in with us, you won’t be able to start singing right away. Carson promised me a summer in Hawaii and during that time, Pattie’s going to be campaigning for Susan B. Komen’s to be the president. So we’re going to be in need of a babysitter and I can tell you that Jackson is incredibly adorable, he loves to learn, and he’ll probably love to sing too.”
Carson wanted to kiss his girlfriend right now. Trust her to open her mouth and have Ruby feel better right away. The girl looked down in deep contemplation. Obviously this was two offers that would be hard to resist. Siri continued softly, squeezing the girl’s hand, “Look, you don’t have to answer us now, but think about it tonight and let us know, okay?”
Ruby smiled softly as though reassured and nodded before she signed, “Did you guys just arrive today? Where are you staying? If you just got here… then stay in the guest bedroom, it’s the least I could do if you two came all the way here to check on me.”
Siri smiled and thanked her before allowing her to lead them to the other room. It was a quaint room, as if recently bereft of its innocent girlishness after Linda’s passing. The room was tidy and a dark calming green with cool earthy tone for the bed sheets, something unexpectedly mature for a girl like Ruby. Not that she herself was not mature, but Siri had imagined, upon her first impression of the girl trying to get away from her boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, that she would have a room of white with dashes of pink and then some, but it seemed that life has shaped her to be much stronger than that.
“While you guys settle in, I will get the towels and toothbrushes—“
“It’s okay, we already have some,” Siri cut her off by pulling Ruby by the arm and signed. Carson was out of the room again, leaving it to be just the two of them to talk as girls. “Ruby, can I ask you a question, girl to girl?”
She waited to be asked and Siri continued, “Why do you choose to stay with this house?”
Ruby signed, “It’s my home. It’s all I have left of my grandma.”
“Oh Ruby,” Siri hugged the younger girl, not wanting to be seen tearing up. She pulled back and smiled softly before signing, “It’s not like that. Linda will always be with you no matter where you go. She doesn’t want to see you bearing this pain of trying to hold onto the house after she’s gone if that isn’t what you want to do.”
“But I do want to keep this house, for her. I have lived here during my weakest times.”
“I know, you were wounded and she had nursed you and watched over you and kept you underneath her wings… I know that you tried to fly before but you fell and hurt yourself, but now she’s not here anymore and Linda would want you to have your chance at flight again. It’s what you’re meant to do, Ruby. You have to fly to your dreams,” Siri responded, “Sometimes you have to leave the nest, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back from time to time to visit, even if there’s no one here.”
Ruby looked down to the ground, as if to think about what she had just said, before she nodded and finally muttered a quiet “Good night.” When she passed Carson on the way, he stopped her and mouthed an apology before handing her a folded piece of paper. She smiled and bid him goodnight before she went back to her room.
What a crazy night. First she was coming back after a failed interview from one of the places she had applied to a few weeks ago, and then Reid was on her doorsteps, pleading her to come home with him because he regretted how their relationship had ended, him dumping her before senior prom because she was now a deaf tenor. And now, Carson and his girlfriend Siri were staying at her house and giving her a chance to leave this town forever. It seemed like just another one of those once in a lifetime opportunities that is coming around. How can she make the right choice? How can she leave this place, this place where she had nursed her wound and flourished because of Linda’s caring? Yet how can she stay now that her last mother figure has left her?
She opened up the piece of paper that Carson had given her a while ago and stared at the words on the page. As she read each one of them, her choice began to form. The tears started falling from her eyes and she felt her entire world crumble around her. Silent sobs racked her body while the pain and sadness from the past few weeks had finally come flowing out. She had finally begun the mourning of her beloved grandmother. Ruby sat up for another hour before she finally lied down in bed and drifted off to a dreamless sleep with dry trail of tears down her cheeks. Even though it was without dreams, she could not remember a better night in her life.
The next day, she joined Carson and Siri, who had gone out earlier that morning to grab some breakfast when they saw that there was little to no food left in the fridge. The tray of pancakes was waiting on the kitchen table while Carson read the papers and Siri explored the house. She sat down and stared at the steaming pancakes and inhaled the sweet syrupy scent of maple. It has been a while since she has woken up to breakfast, at least, the last time being when she woke up at the hospital, unable to hear her own voice. Carson didn’t say anything to her or at least she didn’t know he had until he put the newspaper down and looked at her. Ruby blinked and stared at him until she felt Siri touch her arm and signed his message, “Did you have a good night’s sleep? We tried to wake you up before going out to eat this morning, but it seemed like you were completely out.”
She nodded and smiled before thanking them for breakfast. After breakfast, she pulled Siri to the couch where Carson was sitting and sat her down before getting herself seated in front of them. She took a deep breath before taking a piece of paper out of her pocket and sliding it in front of them.
If the opportunity is still available, I’d like to come with you to California.
Ruby bit her lips, standing up from her bench swing to go inside. Even after twenty-six years, these people still act as though she were a circus just coming into town. When the phone in her side pocket vibrated, she stared at the words across the screen, briefly not registering the name before it clicked in her head. It was a name that she hasn’t seen in a while now.
I heard the news, how are you holding up?
Well enough.
Any time you need to talk to anyone…
Thank you.
She sat there on the couch, staring at the text and ready to hit send before a message popped up on her Blackberry, indicating that the doorbell was rung. Ruby stared towards the window on the door to see Mrs. Lillian Potter standing there, trying to see inside the house. Oh god, it was that lady again, the one who called everyone a heathen for not going to church while she was not acting very differently from one. Ruby tied her long black hair into a ponytail before checking her clothes to make sure she was presentable before opening the door. The sixty-five-year-old lady with the dyed blonde pixie cut could easily be mistaken for fifty-five for all the charity events that required her to remain active. Her smile was vibrant and almost caring but her eyes told a different story.
She pulled out a note from the basket, presumably containing food, which she was carrying and waited for Ruby to read it. Hi Ruby, I know things have been rough for the past few days. It’s not much, but David and I figured that you might feel better with some of my special blueberry muffins. Any time you want to come over for dinner, please send me a message! Ruby looked up at her blankly, waiting for the lady to initiate the next performance in her act. Lillian handed over the basket, slowly saying, “Like I said, it’s not much… but I wanted to see how you are holding up.”
Ruby cleared her throat, smiling sweetly before she spoke, signing slowly while she did so: “I am fine, Mrs. Potter. I appreciate your concern. At the moment, I am trying to think about what to cook for dinner tonight since I went to get groceries a while ago. Perhaps David and you would like to join me?”
The lady blinked, as though surprised that the girl can speak even though she has been communicating with everyone else that way for years. Ruby waited patiently for the answer with an unreadable smile on her face. What could she possibly say?
"That would be lovely, Ruby, but David and I have already made plans to go out to dinner tonight at La Papillon and I'm sure you're aware of how hard it is to get a reservation there." The lady smiled sweetly and Ruby can tell by the crinkle of her eyes that she did not have any reservations with her husband. Maybe she had a reservation one with the ladies from church for a weekly gossip, but it seemed unlikely that the woman would even be away from her window where she watched for any sign of juicy gossip at her house.
"Alright," Ruby smiled, gripping her door and the basket, "Thank you for these lovely treats. Have a good day, Mrs. Potter.”
It was in that split second that the old lady was not quite her usual self. A look of concern took over her initial expression, one that had been more of a person looking for gossip rather than one of a caring neighbor. “Look, Ruby. I hope you know you are always welcomed at our house. Linda and I may not have a good history but I have known her for almost fifty years, after all, and you are her family.”
Ruby mustered a shaky smile, surprised at her concern and muttered a quick word of thanks before shutting the door. She placed the basket on the table, sighing. She should have been more receptive to other people’s sympathies rather than shrugging them off coldly. They were, after all, trying to look out for her, being aware of her condition. Linda, after the death of her parents, was literally all she had left. The nightmare that took over her life before her senior recital made it almost impossible for her to trust people again.
Three hours later with the dishes cleared and the food tucked into the fridge, she checked her phone to see that she had received an email. Her heart stopped, seeing the name of the sender: Carson Daly. Carson whom she had failed. Carson who had done so much for her and she rejected his efforts when she had come so close to succeeding on The Voice. She wondered how he was doing. The last she had heard from him was from Linda through her correspondents with Pattie – his girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy. It was no surprise that he would send her an email to express his condolences, after all, Pattie had called, undoubtedly in an emotional moment when she had forgotten that Ruby could not communicate that way.
Dear Ruby,
As you may have heard from my mother, a remorseful sorrow fell over my family and I when the news of Linda’s passing have reached us. She has lived a fulfilling life and touched each and every one of us with her bravery and light. I only regret not contacting you sooner to express my condolences, but know that you are always in our prayers.
Please know that my home is always available to you should you ever feel the need to get away. We hope that you would stay with us for some time before going back to the weary conflicts. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Please send word and we will have a room and a ticket ready for you.
Always,
Carson
She stared at the message as her heart fell, both at surprise for his kindness and he reminder that she was truly alone now. No family left at all. What made it worse was her isolation from the world and… what should she even say? How could she tell him that for the sake of her pride, she cannot possibly accept? Being in the same house with the woman who has beaten cancer instead of her grandmother? Ruby hated herself for even breaching the idea but it felt impossible to think of little else when she had lost someone so dear to her.
She stared at the email and, in the end, decided against responding. She wasn’t rational right now and she could not trust herself to respond properly and not hurt her friend. Carson didn't deserve that after telling her that his house was available to her.
***
Adam cleared his throat and nodded before he recalled that the person on the other line could not see him nodding. He felt a little dizzy, his throat dry, and the ideas were running wild in his head, but somehow he managed to quiet them down long enough to say, “Thanks for letting me know.”
With that, he hung up, looking around the room for something to quench his thirst. When he found the vodka, he started fumbling around his bar for a glass but found nothing. Instead, he banged his cabinets and drawers and downed the bottle. He sighed inwardly when the burning liquid slid down his throat and felt his muscles relax. How long has he been since he last drank? He almost didn’t remember. Last night he had been ordering gin and vodka… but then he remembered going to sleep this morning with the taste of tequila in his mouth.
He ignored the knocking on the door and made his way to his couch before turning off the TV. Without a doubt, the lock on the door started turning and with a click, Jesse turned the knob and walked into the room with a furious expression on his face. The crazy thing was, even in the midst of his self destruction, he knew he was going down the wrong path, he just didn’t remember how he was doing so. One moment he was sitting at some small bar by himself, after having driven probably fifty miles on his motorcycle, not to mention it had been a miracle that he didn’t crash and burn because he hadn’t even been half aware at the time, order some gin and vodka; the next, his fist was sinking into this guy’s face. Then another flash and he was waking up in the dirty smelly jail cell in some unknown town, groaning while his band mates shook him awake and took him home.
And sometimes he woke up in strange places, in the beds of women he had never seen before, the tabloids had a field day with him but soon after, it was no longer interesting to find scandalous things that surrounded Adam Levine, he had embraced it so that it was pointless to even try. No one cared about Adam Levine anymore.
“Adam! What the fuck were you thinking?” Jesse bellowed, shutting the door, “Assault? That guy was going to sue us! Why the hell were you even at that place? You were supposed to be at rehearsal! Do you know how long we have left until we go on tour? A year and we haven’t even finished writing the songs yet!”
Adam hiccupped, staring up at his friend with hazy eyes before he burped, “I was thirsty.”
“Do you even remember what happened? What you did? The entire bar saw that and it hit the front page of the New York Times online before midnight came around,” Jesse threw the newspaper at him, the front page filled with a huge picture of his drunkenness. Adam nudged it aside, settling down on his couch. He heard the cabinet open and the sound of rustling plastic followed by Jesse’s cursing. The clinking of wine bottles made his head hurt and he could only groan in pain when the blinds in his apartment were yanked up. “Damnit, Adam. I’m not your fucking maid. Clean yourself up. We need you to issue an apology to the guy.”
“Sure, write whatever you want,” Adam grunted, proceeding to block out the world with a pillow over his ear. For a while, he was at peace until Jesse jerked the pillow from him, a disgruntled expression on his face. “Leave me alone already!”
“You’re a mess, Adam. I don’t know what the hell happened to you but you bounced back after Jane left. Anne’s gone now. She’s not coming back, Adam. It’s almost a year since she is gone and there isn’t a sign that she’s coming back. You’ve got to move on with your life. Did you know that she’s getting married in the Philippines right now?” Jesse remarked sharply, stepping over the mess on the ground to grab some more beer bottles.
“I don’t care.” He really didn’t. He really didn’t care that she was getting married where they agreed the ceremony would take place when he popped the question. Didn’t matter of course, especially since he didn’t get to pop the question. At the time, he had been too sated with sex to hear what she was saying. So he really didn’t care. Somewhere between the third and fourth glass of vodka, Adam stopped caring and he was just fine with it.
“And our opener cancelled—“
“I know.”
“What are we going to do? Elliot’s furious. If we don’t find another one soon, he’s going to cancel the tour.”
Adam burped before settling on the couch in a more comfortable position, “I guess we don’t have a tour.”
“Fuck this.” Jesse muttered, throwing the stuff outside the apartment before opening the door again. “I’m done being nice and gentle as shit with you.”
That said, he jerked the thirty-two-year-old off the couch and pulled him, despite the protests, towards the bathroom where he turned on the shower to ice cold. Adam cursed and pushed at him but he was too drunk to do anything substantial. Jesse, with a frown, dunked his friend’s head under the shower head, letting the guy scream furiously before a strong push moved him off his feet. He fell on his bottom while Adam fell forward, now soaking wet under the shower head. His shirt and part of his pants were soaking wet, but he didn’t care. If Adam didn’t get sober right away, he was going to sock him in the face.
“Look, Adam. We’re going on tour. The guys and I are going to local bars for the mike nights and we’re going to find a fucking opener by August because that’s when Elliot said he’d cancel the show if we didn’t find one. When we find an opener, we’re going to rehearse our ass off and come December, we’re going on the tour. We can do this with or without you. Don’t think that you’re the only one with a voice! But as your friend, as your fucking best friend, man, I’m telling you. Clean yourself up, get sober, and when you’re straight in the head, give me a call.”
Adam could barely crack his eyes open when he heard the front door slam. He couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his teeth chattering and it was like he was being jerked back to life after holding his breath for so long. He stared around the bathroom, half expecting to see the piles of make up on his bathroom counter, the twin bathrobes hanging on the door, the he and she towels on the rack, but there wasn’t. It was just his stuff. Could this be a dream that he was living? Or could he be waking up from one? Why was it no matter what he did, he couldn’t wake up?
Jesse slammed his car door shut after he got in, furious and breathing hard. He wanted his best friend back so they could go back to the days when they wrote love songs about broken hearts and the perfect girl. He wouldn’t even mind going back to the day when no one heard their music because they were too unknown. But what was one to do?
He had spoken to Anne a few weeks earlier, ready to reprimand her and tell her to go back to Adam when it almost hit the one year mark since she had left. He wanted to tell her to stop playing games and come back into the guy’s life, but she sounded so happy that he could not even bring himself to be mad at her. How could he possibly do that when it was evident that her relationship with Adam should have ended much sooner than it had? Neither of them was happy after Adam’s last tour and when he had accepted the job to be a vocal coach on The Voice, their relationship essentially died. Adam wasn’t home for months at a time and it was no doubt that Anne had to find other ways to keep herself company – if the day when she tried to come onto him out of drunken emotional vulnerability was an example of her interaction with men whenever Adam was away. Even so, she was getting married now.
Reunited with a childhood sweetheart, she found the attention and love she needed ever since she became a model and everyone – even Adam had been guilty of this crime once or twice during his moments of fame – had used her as a trophy girlfriend. Knowing that she was happy, Jesse genuinely wanted her to stay that way. During her five year relationship with Adam, they had become good friends, after all, and it would not be fair of him to demand that she give up that happiness for anyone, even Adam.
***
“She’s probably fine, Carson,” Siri squeezed his hand in assurance. “It’s understandable that she wants to be away from the world for a while to recover.”
“I am just a little worried, that’s all,” Carson sighed, slowing down when he came to the street that Ruby lived on. When he spotted her house, he started pulling in only to see another black small car sitting in the front. He could see the light in her front door and that there was someone standing there. “What’s going on?”
Siri frowned when she saw the distressed look on the girl’s face while she was facing her visitor. The young girl seemed to be trying to pull away from him and shaking her head furiously, but he wouldn’t listen. Seeing this, Carson got out of the car, followed by his girlfriend, and they made their way to the front door.
“Come with me, Ruby, I’ll take care of you!” It was a man who looked probably a year or two older than the girl who was holding onto her door frame and shaking her head. No one really would have thought anything twice because he looked so normal, wearing a jacket over his button up and khakis. His hair was a dirty shade of blond, a little bit longer than his ears. “You can’t stay by yourself like this, it’s not healthy. People will try to take advantage of you!”
“Leave me alone, Reid! I’m fine! I can take care of myself!” She tried to yank herself away but with no avail. The young man was persistent, refusing to let her go.
“What’s going on here?!” Carson demanded, pulling the man away from Ruby. Siri rushed over and placed her arms around the girl’s shoulder, ushering her inside the house, “Can’t you see she doesn’t want to go with you? Leave the premises now!”
“Who the hell are you? I’m her boyfriend!”
“I don’t care who you are, but all I know is that Ruby didn’t want to go with you. If you don’t leave the premises in five minutes, I am calling the police,” Carson bellowed and gritted his teeth, staring the man down.
Reid bit his lips and glanced over Carson’s shoulder before shaking his head, “This isn’t over.” He shouted over Carson’s shoulder to the girl in the house, “I’m coming back next week, Ruby!”
“Are you okay?” Siri asked, handing the girl a tissue. When the girl reached for her notebook, she stopped her and signed, “I know sign language. My brother, Nathan, was born deaf.”
“I’m fine. It was just unexpected, that’s all. He’s just a friend.” Ruby shook her head, wiping her tears away. Siri stared at the twenty-six-year-old and was instantly reminded of her brother when she bit her lips stubbornly, determined to be okay in a situation that is hard for even average people to remain untouched.
“I’m Siri, Carson’s girlfriend. We didn’t hear back from you for a while so we were kind of worried, that’s all,” she signed.
When the front door closed, they could both hear Carson stomping down the hallway, asking about Ruby’s well-being to make sure that she was not harmed in any way. Siri shook her head furiously when she saw the look on Carson’s face, a look she recognized to be the precursor to that of his lectures of concern. Carson opened his mouth anyways but said nothing; he was there for a reason and making Ruby feel uncomfortable and scared of him would not help his cause.
When he couldn’t quite figure out how to begin the conversation, it seemed as though she had beaten him to it, “What exactly are you doing here, Carson?”
“We were just worried, okay? I know you like to be strong, but sometimes it’s okay to ask for help. Linda was special to us as well,” Carson said, waiting for his girlfriend to translate. When she did, he continued, “She wouldn’t want you to struggle like this senselessly.”
“I’m doing fine by myself—“
“Fine?” Siri shook her head furiously at him but he ignored her, “That was not fine. That kid out there was bothering you and what would have happened if we didn’t come?”
“He was a friend, Carson.”
“So what? It doesn’t always mean that he will be nice to you. Father Stevens was also worried about you and called us. Come live with us, Ruby.”
“I don’t need charity.”
“How are you going to take care of yourself?”
“Carson, stop it, she doesn’t need this right now,” Siri intercepted.
“Yes, she does, Siri, how is she going to pay the bills? Who’s going to hire her? That kid is right, people are going to take advantage of her and I’ll be damned if I’ll let it happen!” He wanted to hit something but decided against it. There was no use showing his anger in front of her, he already messed up but snapping at her. He kneeled down in front of her and said softly but clearly, “Look, Ruby. I care about you. I know you did what you did on The Voice was so I wouldn’t get into trouble and man I was willing to get in trouble for you but I’m also thankful you did what you did because you’re a good person. I think it sucks that you missed out on a chance on The Voice and while I can’t offer something like that again in a very long time, I just want to bring you to LA where you could have another chance at letting people discover you for who you are. Get away from all of this. Now that Linda’s gone, what do you have left to stay for?”
He was right, she can’t argue with that. Ruby knew, even in her stubbornness, that eventually she was going to have to choose and she didn’t want to go with Reid. Before she could respond, Siri added in, “Think of it this way… even if you move in with us, you won’t be able to start singing right away. Carson promised me a summer in Hawaii and during that time, Pattie’s going to be campaigning for Susan B. Komen’s to be the president. So we’re going to be in need of a babysitter and I can tell you that Jackson is incredibly adorable, he loves to learn, and he’ll probably love to sing too.”
Carson wanted to kiss his girlfriend right now. Trust her to open her mouth and have Ruby feel better right away. The girl looked down in deep contemplation. Obviously this was two offers that would be hard to resist. Siri continued softly, squeezing the girl’s hand, “Look, you don’t have to answer us now, but think about it tonight and let us know, okay?”
Ruby smiled softly as though reassured and nodded before she signed, “Did you guys just arrive today? Where are you staying? If you just got here… then stay in the guest bedroom, it’s the least I could do if you two came all the way here to check on me.”
Siri smiled and thanked her before allowing her to lead them to the other room. It was a quaint room, as if recently bereft of its innocent girlishness after Linda’s passing. The room was tidy and a dark calming green with cool earthy tone for the bed sheets, something unexpectedly mature for a girl like Ruby. Not that she herself was not mature, but Siri had imagined, upon her first impression of the girl trying to get away from her boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, that she would have a room of white with dashes of pink and then some, but it seemed that life has shaped her to be much stronger than that.
“While you guys settle in, I will get the towels and toothbrushes—“
“It’s okay, we already have some,” Siri cut her off by pulling Ruby by the arm and signed. Carson was out of the room again, leaving it to be just the two of them to talk as girls. “Ruby, can I ask you a question, girl to girl?”
She waited to be asked and Siri continued, “Why do you choose to stay with this house?”
Ruby signed, “It’s my home. It’s all I have left of my grandma.”
“Oh Ruby,” Siri hugged the younger girl, not wanting to be seen tearing up. She pulled back and smiled softly before signing, “It’s not like that. Linda will always be with you no matter where you go. She doesn’t want to see you bearing this pain of trying to hold onto the house after she’s gone if that isn’t what you want to do.”
“But I do want to keep this house, for her. I have lived here during my weakest times.”
“I know, you were wounded and she had nursed you and watched over you and kept you underneath her wings… I know that you tried to fly before but you fell and hurt yourself, but now she’s not here anymore and Linda would want you to have your chance at flight again. It’s what you’re meant to do, Ruby. You have to fly to your dreams,” Siri responded, “Sometimes you have to leave the nest, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back from time to time to visit, even if there’s no one here.”
Ruby looked down to the ground, as if to think about what she had just said, before she nodded and finally muttered a quiet “Good night.” When she passed Carson on the way, he stopped her and mouthed an apology before handing her a folded piece of paper. She smiled and bid him goodnight before she went back to her room.
What a crazy night. First she was coming back after a failed interview from one of the places she had applied to a few weeks ago, and then Reid was on her doorsteps, pleading her to come home with him because he regretted how their relationship had ended, him dumping her before senior prom because she was now a deaf tenor. And now, Carson and his girlfriend Siri were staying at her house and giving her a chance to leave this town forever. It seemed like just another one of those once in a lifetime opportunities that is coming around. How can she make the right choice? How can she leave this place, this place where she had nursed her wound and flourished because of Linda’s caring? Yet how can she stay now that her last mother figure has left her?
She opened up the piece of paper that Carson had given her a while ago and stared at the words on the page. As she read each one of them, her choice began to form. The tears started falling from her eyes and she felt her entire world crumble around her. Silent sobs racked her body while the pain and sadness from the past few weeks had finally come flowing out. She had finally begun the mourning of her beloved grandmother. Ruby sat up for another hour before she finally lied down in bed and drifted off to a dreamless sleep with dry trail of tears down her cheeks. Even though it was without dreams, she could not remember a better night in her life.
The next day, she joined Carson and Siri, who had gone out earlier that morning to grab some breakfast when they saw that there was little to no food left in the fridge. The tray of pancakes was waiting on the kitchen table while Carson read the papers and Siri explored the house. She sat down and stared at the steaming pancakes and inhaled the sweet syrupy scent of maple. It has been a while since she has woken up to breakfast, at least, the last time being when she woke up at the hospital, unable to hear her own voice. Carson didn’t say anything to her or at least she didn’t know he had until he put the newspaper down and looked at her. Ruby blinked and stared at him until she felt Siri touch her arm and signed his message, “Did you have a good night’s sleep? We tried to wake you up before going out to eat this morning, but it seemed like you were completely out.”
She nodded and smiled before thanking them for breakfast. After breakfast, she pulled Siri to the couch where Carson was sitting and sat her down before getting herself seated in front of them. She took a deep breath before taking a piece of paper out of her pocket and sliding it in front of them.
If the opportunity is still available, I’d like to come with you to California.
Chapter Three
It was like living in the darkness for months only to be tossed into the light. Adam has gone almost five hours without a drink and right now he could barely see the strings on his guitar. He belted out the final note before the loud bang of the drums and the song was over. He let out a deep exhale before taking off his guitar and leaving the studio. He sat down in the back garden, placing his head between his knees. It had been stifling in there, all that noise and the lack of air. He felt as though years of singing had disappeared during those months of lounging around the house and drowning himself in alcohol.
He jumped at the chill touching his head and grabbed the water bottle as an offering. By the time Jesse plopped down beside him, he had already swallowed half of it. The cool liquid slid down his throat but did not do much to quench his thirst for something stronger. They sat in the silence for a while on the bench outside the studio, watching as other bands and singers made their way in and out of the studio with equipment, much like they had when they first started their careers. That comfortable silence loomed over them and for a moment, it almost fell back into how it always has been until Jesse asked, “You doing okay?”
“Good enough,” he grunted, swallowing the rest of the water and chucking it into the trash can nearby.
“You can tell me, you know. I’m your best friend, Adam. I know from personal experience how hard it is,” Jesse remarked.
Adam raised an eyebrow when he offered him a stick of gum. Did Jesse stop smoking? Usually it was Jesse who was outside the studio, smoking another cigarette and taking more breaks than all of the band members combined. “No offense, Jesse. I appreciate you trying to be understanding, but none of your relationships since high school have lasted more than a week. So—“
“I wasn’t talking about that. The drinking. I can tell from the look on your face, Adam,” Jesse responded, eating a piece of gum. “That was me almost two years ago. I’ve been sober for about six months now. It’s not easy at first, but when you decide you’re going to fight it, you’re going to fight it. We got your back, man. I got your back.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? About the drinking?”
“Why do you think?” Jesse shrugged, “You were always busy, man. Somewhere along the way, you didn’t have time for us anymore.”
“Sorry.”
“No big deal.”
“She’s getting married, huh?” There was a kind of sardonic quality to Adam’s voice, as if the idea that they wouldn’t last has always been obvious to him because Anne wanted nothing but to get married and start a family and Adam simply didn’t. He wasn’t emotionally ready for any of that and everyone knew it would eventually end. “Who’s the lucky bastard?”
“Some guy named Nikolai. Apparently he is a best friend of hers when they used to live in the same neighborhood.” Jesse had met the guy and upon seeing the way he looked at Anne when he thought she wasn’t looking, he felt it would almost be wrong not to give his approval. If love could truly be so timeless, Jesse didn’t mind believing in it if only for a second.
“Well good riddance,” Adam muttered, standing up and kicking the ground.
When they returned to rehearsal, Adam felt his voice come back, if only by a little. He still cracked at some of the higher notes, but it was reassuring to know that it was due to his recent change in routines. Things between Anne and him, in some ways, were truly over now. There were lingering strings that connected them but none in ways that could ever go back to what it was before. So he had to keep moving. He had to stay busy.
Jesse and he went out to eat and it was probably only because his best friend ordered non-alcoholic drinks that Adam was able to resist ordering a beer. Then again, at Bucky’s, the owner knew about him and his problems so it would have been hard to order a drink to begin with. While waiting for their meal, Adam noticed a familiar face come into the restaurant. “Hey Carson!”
Carson looked his way and nodded at him, smiling before making a beeline towards his table. “Hey guys, what’s the occasion?”
“First day hard at work, that’s what,” Jesse responded, “Taking the lady out?”
“Sorta, it’s the entire family tonight,” Carson remarked. “It’s Jackson’s birthday and we’re showing a friend around town.”
They talked for a while; Carson was sharing details about the new season of The Voice and how regretful it was that Adam was not joining them this time around. Adam shrugged and spoke about how it has been a while since he has traveled. Though those were the words spoken, the three guys knew what he had really meant about leaving the states. People disliked him here, he had to leave the scene for a while and come back with a clean slate. They talked about Carson’s upcoming vacation, how he wasn’t going to be in town because Siri had insisted on a vacation. Finally when Carson heard his name being called, he looked over to see his girlfriend at the door. She smiled at the guys and pointed to Carson.
He beckoned her over but she was shaking her head, mouthing something at him while she pointed towards the door. He apologized briefly before heading her way. They exchanged a few words before heading over to the table and Siri greeted the two men with a kiss on the cheeks and hugs. “Hi Adam and Jesse. I hope you two are doing well! You both look awesome right now.”
“Where’s the little man? How old is he?” Jesse asked, chuckling.
“He’s pouting in the car, that’s what he’s doing,” Siri rolled her eyes affectionately, “Originally we were talking about going to Bucky’s and bringing a cake but a while ago, Nathan brought up the name of this new ice cream place that just opened up and so now he wants to go over there. Three-year-olds are such a handful.”
“Hey, as long as he’s little like that, you can still bring him places, next thing you know, he’ll be driving you places,” Adam pointed out.
“Oh, I wish. This kid loves cars so much, it’s hard to get him out of a car unless it’s to get on a bike,” Carson laughed. They talked for a while longer before Siri’s phone went off. When she checked it, she pointed it out to Carson, who finally said, “Hey guys, it’s been nice talking to you. We’re gonna head on over to that new place.”
“Well, it was nice seeing you, man,” Adam nodded, giving a small smile.
Even though they hadn’t been close, there was a good work relationship between them. Adam truly enjoyed listening to all the new talents that Carson brought onstage because all of them, training or not, were bound to go somewhere. The man genuinely care for the people he brought to the spotlight because he truly thought that they could go somewhere with their voices. Carson returned the gesture and said quietly, squeezing his shoulder, “It’s good to see you again, Adam. We should get lunch together sometimes.”
“Thanks man,” Adam nodded.
The older man turned to Jesse and clapped him on the shoulder, “Keep this guy straight, Jesse.”
“Will do, man, give the kid a hug for me.”
With that, Carson left the restaurant.
Adam continued to eat his food silently while Jesse talked about some of the new songs they were writing. New style, new music, they needed a new opener whose voice would mesh with Adam’s so that it would be the perfect transition into their concert. Adam had glanced over the songs and found a piece of him missing from the song. It can’t be helped, after all, he had not been there with the guys when they were trudging through the lyrics and the melodies. He deserved to be missing from the songs. Jesse told him that if there were any changes that needed to be made, he could make note of it and they would all, as a band, come together and talk about these changes. Jesse was trying to help him, he knew, but Adam was not ready to go back to composing yet. He was already stressed out about rehearsal, playing both the old songs he used to sing so well and the new ones that were completely unfamiliar to him.
“Hey, so starting August, me and the guys are going from café to café to check out some of the mic nights. Are you interested in coming with us any time soon?” Jesse asked, taking a bite of his food.
Adam took a sip of his drink. “When are you guys going?”
“I’ll send you a schedule, but, for sure, at The Owl on the 26th, there’s supposed to be some talent show that day. Mickey was going on and on about some of the singers there, thought we might want to check them out, what do you think?”
Adam thought for a while, remembering the place as a regular spot for def jam poetry. He was tempted and it was a Friday but he already had a commitment that day. It was just something he couldn’t break. “Nah man, I have a few things going that day.”
“Alright, let me know.”
***
“Don’t be nervous,” Siri smiled reassuringly, squeezing her hand. “Today’s only a preliminary. We’re just talking options.”
“What if it doesn’t work out?” Ruby signed with one hand, an anxious expression on her face. “It has been a long time since that has happened, after all.”
“You remember Nathan from last week? I told you about how he was born deaf, right? He went last year and they were able to help him. I don’t think it’ll be too much of an issue for you, Ruby,” she signed.
“I know… but still, you guys don’t have to do this. My communication with other people is adequate, I can read lips just fine, and not to mention, your vacation—“
“Stop right there,” Siri laughed, “It’s okay, seriously. First of all, Carson and I want you hearing and singing by the end of the summer. Second of all, our flight has been delayed for a week, something about a tropical storm in Honolulu, and god forbid we try to travel in this weather. Third of all, don’t worry about paying us back. Instead, be our personal iPod and you’re good to go.”
Ruby smiled, unsure what to say. Instead, when the doctor’s office door opened, she jumped out of her seat, smiling nervously at the doctor who signed fluently to her, “Are you Ruby? Are you ready?”
The twenty-six-year-old nodded. She has been to California for less than a month and she has loved it so much already. With some resistance from being away from home, it was hard for her to wake up two hours later than she was used to. However, what made it all better was meeting Jackson, who had, thanks to his uncle, become somewhat knowledgeable of sign language and greeted her with an affectionately cute welcome upon her arrival to their home. Pattie kissed her on the forehead and hugged her tightly before pulling back with tears in her eyes. It was then that any trace of resentment she had for the old lady disappeared. How could she hate someone whom she and her grandmother loved so dearly?
After a while, she became used to waking up two hours later and taking walks in the morning along the beach side. The sun was beautiful in the morning and from where she had her room, she was always so lucky to catch it rising as she walked out to the balcony. She often joined Siri on her morning walks with Jackson and when she got up early enough, she would go jogging with Carson. The two had been like nothing but brothers and sisters to her, even though she has never had any siblings. Carson always looked out for her and Siri became her closest friend. The girl had taken a liking to her right away and always seemed as though she knew what to say to defuse any situation that had the potential to turn out badly.
When she was introduced to Nathan, her scrawny younger brother who had just graduated with his PhD in film, they connected immediately. He talked about how he loved to be able to connect with the audience through silent films. Both for audiences who could hear and who couldn’t, he strived to bring the common ground to the two groups while they were sitting amongst each other in the theatre. In some ways, he was just like Siri. His light brown hair neatly cut to stop just at the ends of his ears with every strand in place. His bright brown eyes always looked excited to see the people he loved and that differed from the calming welcome with which Siri greeted everyone she knew. They were a pair; that was for sure. Siri loved her brother in spite of all of his flaws and she made sure everyone else did too.
He had been born deaf, unlike Ruby, but had recently gotten a hearing implant. When she had first met Nathan, he had insisted that she visit the doctor he went to see about his hearing implant. The process took months to make sure the hearing implant would work perfectly for him and stay working for a long period of time. He said he heard music for the first time when he woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside his window after the surgery.
Ruby could think of nothing better than to be able to hear again. It has been almost eight years since her fever and even now it still felt like a nightmare. On days when she slept in, she would imagine waking up to the sound of her mother’s humming as she would pass by her door after bringing the laundry in and the drumming of her dad’s hammering in the basement while he was fixing some treasure he found in the junkyard. However, those days never lasted for long; she would lie there for minutes before giving into the silence.
Her attention snapped back into the room when the doctor touched her on the shoulder on the way over to her desk. The female doctor had returned to the room after she finished getting the files from her nurse. The woman looked to be in her late twenties, her sharp eyes taking in the younger girl with quick assessment. In spite of that, she gave a gentle smile and signed, “Where are my manners? I’m Eve Danner. How are you guys today?”
When Ruby answered, Eve turned to Siri and asked her – as she could only tell from the way her lips moved – “Did Nathan get the medicine I prescribed for him? He said he had some irritation when sleeping at night. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t the implants before calling him in.”
Siri responded back and Eve smiled at her before turning back to Ruby, “Sorry about that, Nathan’s hearing implants are relatively new so we are trying to work out all the kinks. As you probably know, Nathan was born deaf with nerve damage to his ear and after a couple of visits with him, I was able to work out a few things in regards to what implants would be best for him as hearing aids were not compatible with him. With you, as I’ve looked at your medical report, it seems that your hearing loss was due to a fever that brought about an ear infection.”
Ruby swallowed before nodding. Eve continued to sign, “Depending on the results of the tests we will take later on, hearing implants may not be for you. With some people, and I say this carefully because I don’t want to give you any false hope, ear infections are temporary. At some point in their life, people’s immune system starts to fight against the infection and well, to be honest, for others, it’s permanent. Because you were fighting the fever at the time, the tests you’ve taken look to be inconclusive. So the next time you come in, we will be taking some tests and we’ll go from there.
“What we’re here today is to discuss the options. As I’ve said earlier, hearing implants may not be compatible for you. I understand that you’ve never tried any hearing aids?”
Ruby shook her head, “We couldn’t afford it at the time and I had been communicating by pen and paper in addition to having started learning sign language so I didn’t mind too much.”
“Well, that’s not a problem. What we’re going to do is run some tests. If possible, I want to experiment with a few things before we move onto surgery. I am thinking that since your hearing loss is due to a fever, you didn’t receive any damaging concussion that might have permanently ruined the inside of your ear. So I want to start off with giving you some medicine that might help to do away with the infection. I have used it with some of my prior patients who had mild hearing loss from similar causes such as yours and they found that it improved their condition by helping their immune systems.”
“So what happens if the medicine doesn’t work?” Siri asked after a while.
“That’s something we will be prepared for. In the meantime, I will be looking into possible hearing aids that might be compatible for Ruby’s hearing. While we all have similar ear structures, there are certain unique features in terms of the range of hearing and in Ruby’s case, being a singer, certain way of hearing that allows her to translate the tones she hears into her own voice. That’s sometimes lacking in people who might be tone deaf.”
“What are the chances, do you think, of the medicine taking care of the infection?” Ruby signed.
“I wish I can give you a definite number, but until the tests are taken, I don’t want to make any promises. What I can promise is that we will look into giving you what would work best for you. And before you ask, the last resort will be hearing implant. What that will do is essentially make an artificial hearing system to replace your current one, but that is only if there’s no other way to help you restore your old hearing. I can’t promise a perfect return of your hearing, but I can promise that I’ll do my best to help you hear again.”
Ruby looked into the woman’s eyes and she could see her sincerity. She wasn’t sure what to think of everything she had just learned but it seemed like her best hope at the moment. She glanced over Siri and the girl nodded to her and signed, “What do you think, Ruby? Do you want to try this?”
The twenty-six-year-old nodded, “I think it is worth a chance. I just don’t want to burden you guys with this.”
Siri rolled her eyes and responded, “I promise you aren’t. Look, I don’t mean to sound like a rich snob or anything but the money you give us will be a symbolic gesture and nothing more. Carson isn’t the only one in the family who makes good money, you know. Consider this our gift to you as our friend, okay?”
Ruby nodded slowly and turned to Eve, speaking slowly, “If it is okay, please arrange the next appointment.”
***
Jesse waved at his band mates before adjusting his cap and sunglasses. He opted to go to the coffee shop near his apartment instead of straight home as it has been a while since he had gone there. He waved at the lady behind the counter, Theresa, before giving her his order and taking a seat near the window. He frequented the shop in the past when they had first moved to LA from Malibu and the lady took care of him like she would her own son. Theresa was also from Colorado like himself and she had moved to California when her son went there for university and never left even when he did. She said she loved the sunlight and the people who came. Ironically, she said, after living in California for so long, it was hard to tell the celebrities from the non-celebrities.
Jesse had stayed in that same apartment ever since he came to California and found the lady to be almost like family to him, especially when he came back hung over during those dark months of his life. She had been the one to smack him around and tell him he had more important things to do with his life besides drinking and convinced him to bring himself together again. Luckily, Maroon 5 was a household name but most of the time, it was Adam who came to mind whenever anyone mentioned the band. He didn’t have to worry about paparazzis that much. Everything that happened in his life came and went without the disruption of someone who wanted to know more than they needed to.
He watched the people cross the street, ignoring the ding of the front door that signaled the coming of a new person into the shop. Theresa’s voice asked the newcomer: “Hey honey, what can I do for you today?”
After a while, he turned his head to see it. The red curls that fell to her waist made his heart skipped a beat as it had the first day he had seen her from behind. Was it her? He only stopped himself from getting up when the girl answered, “Black coffee, please.”
It wasn’t her, after all, he sighed inwardly. What did he expect anyways? After what happened in the past, he didn’t deserve to see her again. He wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes. When his attention returned to the coffee shop, the girl was already gone and Theresa had set his cup of coffee on the table and called to him. “Hey Jesse, your coffee’s done!”
He thanked Theresa before grabbing his coffee. “Slow day today?”
“Not exactly, you should have seen the morning rush. I’m glad it’s a little empty at this time. Good day at work, Jesse? Haven’t seen you around for a while,” Theresa smiled, wiping the counter.
“Been busy with work. I finally got Adam out of his apartment,” he responded.
“How’s that boy doing? He must have been torn apart when that sweet girl left. I’ve been reading his antics in the papers and well I’m sure half of them aren’t true, but I’ve been praying for him,” Theresa sat down across from him with her own cup.
When they shared an apartment, Jesse and Adam would always grab lunch at this coffee shop and even though Adam wasn’t as close to Theresa as Jesse had been, he still regarded her as another mother to him. Jesse nodded, “Most of them are, anyways. The thing that matters is that he’s getting better now. Struggling a bit, but he’s better than I had been a couple of months ago.”
Theresa squeezed his hand, “You’re stronger now, Jesse.”
“And I really have you to thank for that. Have I told you how awesome you are?”
She winked at him, “Not lately you haven’t. You’ve been skipping out on me, did you finally found a girl or something?”
“You’re kidding me, Theresa,” he rolled his eyes, “I’ve got my hands full with the models, the actresses…”
As he continued to list, Theresa let out a loud laugh and cut him off by adding, “Yes, and I’ve found the nicest girl for you! I bet you will just love her because she’ll set you straight when you misbehave!”
They continued to talk until long after his cup emptied and the sun began to set. By then it was time for him to go and there were more and more people coming into the shop. Theresa’s shop was no Starbucks with the shiny coffeemakers, but she had original flavors and her own way of making coffee that would keep her regulars and draw in people new to California. Jesse started towards the street again, checking his phone for texts and messages.
He stopped at the corner, checking the traffic light before glancing down at his phone again. Didn’t catch you at home when I stopped by. Dropped the songs off on your kitchen table and locked the doors on the way out. Mickey. He shrugged, responding to the message before looking up to the sound of the traffic light announcing that the pedestrians can now cross. It was then that their eyes met. She was on the other side of the street, her big blue eyes searching the sea of people and looking right past him, but he saw her.
Emma.
He started across the street, his eyes watching her every step. Her hair was no longer curly; instead, they were strands straight as needles with the ends touching her shoulders. Her bangs were like a curtain of fire, framing her wide blue eyes. She was lovely as always and even when he wanted to reach out and touch her, he couldn’t. Their eyes met for a split second, like two strangers on the street, as they passed each other.
In that moment and for the last time, their paths met and separated once more.
***
“Alright, you know the emergency number and you know the—“
“Carson! I’ve already told her all that fifty times!” Siri laughed from the bedroom as she dragged the suitcase out the door. “Don’t worry!”
“I know, Siri but I just want to make sure,” Carson said, pulling out his phone again and continuing what he was saying in a text. While typing, he also said to his son, who was running around the house in a makeshift cape, “Jackson, do you remember what we said about behaving with Ruby?”
“Be a good boy,” his son repeated along with him while making airplane noises, zooming past him and almost knocking down his suitcase. Luckily Ruby had caught him and picked him up. The boy hugged her back and kissed her on the cheek before holding his hands out, waiting to be taken on his fly for the day. Ruby laughed and holding one finger to her lips and then pointing to Carson. Jackson blinked and looked at his dad, as if realizing the man was there. By then, Carson had finished his text and rolling his eyes at the way his son was attached to the young girl. He held his hands out, waiting for the little rascal to come into his arms before he zoomed off.
Ruby read the text even though she had understood most of his message while he had been talking to her earlier that day. It didn’t hurt to have extra instructions.
Ruby, I am leaving you a list of emergency numbers to both myself and Siri in case our mobile phones cannot be reached during the vacation. Please don’t hesitate to call if anything goes wrong. We’ll be on the next plane back. I’ve already talked to Eve about your situation and if we need to proceed to the hearing aid or implants, Siri and I will probably be back before then but if necessary, she knows what to do so don’t fret about that. I am leaving you in Jackson’s and Nathan’s hands. Nathan will probably come over to keep you company and take you anywhere you need and even take Jackson off your hands once in a while if you need some time to yourself. You have no idea how much this means to me (and Siri, definitely) because we have been meaning to take a vacation for years now but there just wasn’t time. If I didn’t make this clear before, I’ll say it again, please make yourself at home here!
She laughed at the text and hugged Siri when she came down with her suitcase. The girl kissed her son and handed her over to Ruby before signing, “You are the best, seriously. I’m always torn between stealing Jackson back and letting him stay with you forever. I told you the kid loves you like crazy.”
“Have a good vacation and don’t worry about us,” Ruby spoke slowly, being unable to sign as her hands were full with the three-year-old.
When the couple had left on their long needed vacation, Ruby brought Jackson to his bookshelf and had him choose a book so they could read together. They settled on the lounge chair on the patio as she taught him to sign the words on the page. Jackson imitated her actions and soon he was able to sign some of the words without her help. The three-year-old grinned widely, jumping up and down before he pulled at his cape again to signal that he was ready for another fly.
They ran around the backyard and chased each other for a while until both were exhausted. She didn’t think she could ever get bored with the kid. He had too much energy on his hands. By the time they got back to the lounge, Ruby found a text message waiting for her from Nathan.
Hey Ruby, are you home?
What’s up, Nathan? I’m in the backyard.
Just dropping off something. I stopped by Eve’s office today and she had your meds ready.
Ruby remembered Eve. She had stopped by the office two weeks for the preliminary and a few days after for her tests. According to Eve, there needs to be more tests done on her infection to make sure that it wasn’t partly due to genetics as well. In any case, she had been prescribed some meds to see if her immune system could suddenly recognize that the infection was bad for her and fight it.
Nathan had gone with her that day because Siri had a couple of things to take care of with Carson regarding the trip. He held her hand while they waited outside the office, reassuring her that the tests were in no way painful and that no doubt, everything will be okay. She laughed softly and listened to him and surely enough, the tests took a total of two hours while they took x-rays of her ears in addition to blood tests to make sure that it wasn’t something else in her body that might have been affecting the infection.
After the tests, they went back to the office a couple of days later to talk about the results and do more tests to see if surgery was an option when it came to removing the infection in its entirety. When they had finished the trip to the doctor’s, the two went out for lunch with Jackson, who had been tagging along all that time and was surprisingly well-behaved whenever he had a crayon in his hand.
She could see Nathan’s head coming as he rounded to the back and entered the yard. He waved at her from across the yard. He picked Jackson up and spun him around when the three-year-old propelled himself into the older male. Nathan grinned at her before pulling the package from his bag. Ruby never thought it would feel like Christmas morning when she would receive her medicine, but this was much better. It meant that she might soon get her hearing back, that she might soon be able to hear music, that she might soon start to sing again!
“Are you excited?” Nathan signed to her. “Eve said to take it once a day. It won’t work right away but you might start getting some of your hearing back sporadically. If it works well, it should gradually improve over time before all of it comes back.”
Ruby smiled and responded in signing, “I’m trying not to place too much hope in this in case it doesn’t turn out well, but it is hard because Eve makes it all seem so amazingly easy.”
Nathan nodded, “Yea, she is like that with everyone. When I first went to see her, it was impossible not to get carried away by all the things she was telling me. Trust me, it is a long process, but in the end it’s all worth it.”
He took out the bottle and she held it in her hand. Take once a day, it said. Could something like this truly get rid of something that has been stuck with her for years? If it was easy, she should have tried this a long time ago. Nathan smiled patiently at her, as if he understood exactly what she was going through. It seemed like something so small, but it could change her life forever. Ruby could go back to how she was and become a better singer than she had been before. There was no longer be any handicap simply because she could not hear.
It was a blue and red pill and Ruby was almost afraid to believe that such a little thing could possibly contribute to her getting better, but she had already made the decision. She wanted to hear again, she wanted to sing again, and she wanted to be immersed in her music once more.
Here goes nothing.
He jumped at the chill touching his head and grabbed the water bottle as an offering. By the time Jesse plopped down beside him, he had already swallowed half of it. The cool liquid slid down his throat but did not do much to quench his thirst for something stronger. They sat in the silence for a while on the bench outside the studio, watching as other bands and singers made their way in and out of the studio with equipment, much like they had when they first started their careers. That comfortable silence loomed over them and for a moment, it almost fell back into how it always has been until Jesse asked, “You doing okay?”
“Good enough,” he grunted, swallowing the rest of the water and chucking it into the trash can nearby.
“You can tell me, you know. I’m your best friend, Adam. I know from personal experience how hard it is,” Jesse remarked.
Adam raised an eyebrow when he offered him a stick of gum. Did Jesse stop smoking? Usually it was Jesse who was outside the studio, smoking another cigarette and taking more breaks than all of the band members combined. “No offense, Jesse. I appreciate you trying to be understanding, but none of your relationships since high school have lasted more than a week. So—“
“I wasn’t talking about that. The drinking. I can tell from the look on your face, Adam,” Jesse responded, eating a piece of gum. “That was me almost two years ago. I’ve been sober for about six months now. It’s not easy at first, but when you decide you’re going to fight it, you’re going to fight it. We got your back, man. I got your back.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? About the drinking?”
“Why do you think?” Jesse shrugged, “You were always busy, man. Somewhere along the way, you didn’t have time for us anymore.”
“Sorry.”
“No big deal.”
“She’s getting married, huh?” There was a kind of sardonic quality to Adam’s voice, as if the idea that they wouldn’t last has always been obvious to him because Anne wanted nothing but to get married and start a family and Adam simply didn’t. He wasn’t emotionally ready for any of that and everyone knew it would eventually end. “Who’s the lucky bastard?”
“Some guy named Nikolai. Apparently he is a best friend of hers when they used to live in the same neighborhood.” Jesse had met the guy and upon seeing the way he looked at Anne when he thought she wasn’t looking, he felt it would almost be wrong not to give his approval. If love could truly be so timeless, Jesse didn’t mind believing in it if only for a second.
“Well good riddance,” Adam muttered, standing up and kicking the ground.
When they returned to rehearsal, Adam felt his voice come back, if only by a little. He still cracked at some of the higher notes, but it was reassuring to know that it was due to his recent change in routines. Things between Anne and him, in some ways, were truly over now. There were lingering strings that connected them but none in ways that could ever go back to what it was before. So he had to keep moving. He had to stay busy.
Jesse and he went out to eat and it was probably only because his best friend ordered non-alcoholic drinks that Adam was able to resist ordering a beer. Then again, at Bucky’s, the owner knew about him and his problems so it would have been hard to order a drink to begin with. While waiting for their meal, Adam noticed a familiar face come into the restaurant. “Hey Carson!”
Carson looked his way and nodded at him, smiling before making a beeline towards his table. “Hey guys, what’s the occasion?”
“First day hard at work, that’s what,” Jesse responded, “Taking the lady out?”
“Sorta, it’s the entire family tonight,” Carson remarked. “It’s Jackson’s birthday and we’re showing a friend around town.”
They talked for a while; Carson was sharing details about the new season of The Voice and how regretful it was that Adam was not joining them this time around. Adam shrugged and spoke about how it has been a while since he has traveled. Though those were the words spoken, the three guys knew what he had really meant about leaving the states. People disliked him here, he had to leave the scene for a while and come back with a clean slate. They talked about Carson’s upcoming vacation, how he wasn’t going to be in town because Siri had insisted on a vacation. Finally when Carson heard his name being called, he looked over to see his girlfriend at the door. She smiled at the guys and pointed to Carson.
He beckoned her over but she was shaking her head, mouthing something at him while she pointed towards the door. He apologized briefly before heading her way. They exchanged a few words before heading over to the table and Siri greeted the two men with a kiss on the cheeks and hugs. “Hi Adam and Jesse. I hope you two are doing well! You both look awesome right now.”
“Where’s the little man? How old is he?” Jesse asked, chuckling.
“He’s pouting in the car, that’s what he’s doing,” Siri rolled her eyes affectionately, “Originally we were talking about going to Bucky’s and bringing a cake but a while ago, Nathan brought up the name of this new ice cream place that just opened up and so now he wants to go over there. Three-year-olds are such a handful.”
“Hey, as long as he’s little like that, you can still bring him places, next thing you know, he’ll be driving you places,” Adam pointed out.
“Oh, I wish. This kid loves cars so much, it’s hard to get him out of a car unless it’s to get on a bike,” Carson laughed. They talked for a while longer before Siri’s phone went off. When she checked it, she pointed it out to Carson, who finally said, “Hey guys, it’s been nice talking to you. We’re gonna head on over to that new place.”
“Well, it was nice seeing you, man,” Adam nodded, giving a small smile.
Even though they hadn’t been close, there was a good work relationship between them. Adam truly enjoyed listening to all the new talents that Carson brought onstage because all of them, training or not, were bound to go somewhere. The man genuinely care for the people he brought to the spotlight because he truly thought that they could go somewhere with their voices. Carson returned the gesture and said quietly, squeezing his shoulder, “It’s good to see you again, Adam. We should get lunch together sometimes.”
“Thanks man,” Adam nodded.
The older man turned to Jesse and clapped him on the shoulder, “Keep this guy straight, Jesse.”
“Will do, man, give the kid a hug for me.”
With that, Carson left the restaurant.
Adam continued to eat his food silently while Jesse talked about some of the new songs they were writing. New style, new music, they needed a new opener whose voice would mesh with Adam’s so that it would be the perfect transition into their concert. Adam had glanced over the songs and found a piece of him missing from the song. It can’t be helped, after all, he had not been there with the guys when they were trudging through the lyrics and the melodies. He deserved to be missing from the songs. Jesse told him that if there were any changes that needed to be made, he could make note of it and they would all, as a band, come together and talk about these changes. Jesse was trying to help him, he knew, but Adam was not ready to go back to composing yet. He was already stressed out about rehearsal, playing both the old songs he used to sing so well and the new ones that were completely unfamiliar to him.
“Hey, so starting August, me and the guys are going from café to café to check out some of the mic nights. Are you interested in coming with us any time soon?” Jesse asked, taking a bite of his food.
Adam took a sip of his drink. “When are you guys going?”
“I’ll send you a schedule, but, for sure, at The Owl on the 26th, there’s supposed to be some talent show that day. Mickey was going on and on about some of the singers there, thought we might want to check them out, what do you think?”
Adam thought for a while, remembering the place as a regular spot for def jam poetry. He was tempted and it was a Friday but he already had a commitment that day. It was just something he couldn’t break. “Nah man, I have a few things going that day.”
“Alright, let me know.”
***
“Don’t be nervous,” Siri smiled reassuringly, squeezing her hand. “Today’s only a preliminary. We’re just talking options.”
“What if it doesn’t work out?” Ruby signed with one hand, an anxious expression on her face. “It has been a long time since that has happened, after all.”
“You remember Nathan from last week? I told you about how he was born deaf, right? He went last year and they were able to help him. I don’t think it’ll be too much of an issue for you, Ruby,” she signed.
“I know… but still, you guys don’t have to do this. My communication with other people is adequate, I can read lips just fine, and not to mention, your vacation—“
“Stop right there,” Siri laughed, “It’s okay, seriously. First of all, Carson and I want you hearing and singing by the end of the summer. Second of all, our flight has been delayed for a week, something about a tropical storm in Honolulu, and god forbid we try to travel in this weather. Third of all, don’t worry about paying us back. Instead, be our personal iPod and you’re good to go.”
Ruby smiled, unsure what to say. Instead, when the doctor’s office door opened, she jumped out of her seat, smiling nervously at the doctor who signed fluently to her, “Are you Ruby? Are you ready?”
The twenty-six-year-old nodded. She has been to California for less than a month and she has loved it so much already. With some resistance from being away from home, it was hard for her to wake up two hours later than she was used to. However, what made it all better was meeting Jackson, who had, thanks to his uncle, become somewhat knowledgeable of sign language and greeted her with an affectionately cute welcome upon her arrival to their home. Pattie kissed her on the forehead and hugged her tightly before pulling back with tears in her eyes. It was then that any trace of resentment she had for the old lady disappeared. How could she hate someone whom she and her grandmother loved so dearly?
After a while, she became used to waking up two hours later and taking walks in the morning along the beach side. The sun was beautiful in the morning and from where she had her room, she was always so lucky to catch it rising as she walked out to the balcony. She often joined Siri on her morning walks with Jackson and when she got up early enough, she would go jogging with Carson. The two had been like nothing but brothers and sisters to her, even though she has never had any siblings. Carson always looked out for her and Siri became her closest friend. The girl had taken a liking to her right away and always seemed as though she knew what to say to defuse any situation that had the potential to turn out badly.
When she was introduced to Nathan, her scrawny younger brother who had just graduated with his PhD in film, they connected immediately. He talked about how he loved to be able to connect with the audience through silent films. Both for audiences who could hear and who couldn’t, he strived to bring the common ground to the two groups while they were sitting amongst each other in the theatre. In some ways, he was just like Siri. His light brown hair neatly cut to stop just at the ends of his ears with every strand in place. His bright brown eyes always looked excited to see the people he loved and that differed from the calming welcome with which Siri greeted everyone she knew. They were a pair; that was for sure. Siri loved her brother in spite of all of his flaws and she made sure everyone else did too.
He had been born deaf, unlike Ruby, but had recently gotten a hearing implant. When she had first met Nathan, he had insisted that she visit the doctor he went to see about his hearing implant. The process took months to make sure the hearing implant would work perfectly for him and stay working for a long period of time. He said he heard music for the first time when he woke up to the sound of the birds chirping outside his window after the surgery.
Ruby could think of nothing better than to be able to hear again. It has been almost eight years since her fever and even now it still felt like a nightmare. On days when she slept in, she would imagine waking up to the sound of her mother’s humming as she would pass by her door after bringing the laundry in and the drumming of her dad’s hammering in the basement while he was fixing some treasure he found in the junkyard. However, those days never lasted for long; she would lie there for minutes before giving into the silence.
Her attention snapped back into the room when the doctor touched her on the shoulder on the way over to her desk. The female doctor had returned to the room after she finished getting the files from her nurse. The woman looked to be in her late twenties, her sharp eyes taking in the younger girl with quick assessment. In spite of that, she gave a gentle smile and signed, “Where are my manners? I’m Eve Danner. How are you guys today?”
When Ruby answered, Eve turned to Siri and asked her – as she could only tell from the way her lips moved – “Did Nathan get the medicine I prescribed for him? He said he had some irritation when sleeping at night. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t the implants before calling him in.”
Siri responded back and Eve smiled at her before turning back to Ruby, “Sorry about that, Nathan’s hearing implants are relatively new so we are trying to work out all the kinks. As you probably know, Nathan was born deaf with nerve damage to his ear and after a couple of visits with him, I was able to work out a few things in regards to what implants would be best for him as hearing aids were not compatible with him. With you, as I’ve looked at your medical report, it seems that your hearing loss was due to a fever that brought about an ear infection.”
Ruby swallowed before nodding. Eve continued to sign, “Depending on the results of the tests we will take later on, hearing implants may not be for you. With some people, and I say this carefully because I don’t want to give you any false hope, ear infections are temporary. At some point in their life, people’s immune system starts to fight against the infection and well, to be honest, for others, it’s permanent. Because you were fighting the fever at the time, the tests you’ve taken look to be inconclusive. So the next time you come in, we will be taking some tests and we’ll go from there.
“What we’re here today is to discuss the options. As I’ve said earlier, hearing implants may not be compatible for you. I understand that you’ve never tried any hearing aids?”
Ruby shook her head, “We couldn’t afford it at the time and I had been communicating by pen and paper in addition to having started learning sign language so I didn’t mind too much.”
“Well, that’s not a problem. What we’re going to do is run some tests. If possible, I want to experiment with a few things before we move onto surgery. I am thinking that since your hearing loss is due to a fever, you didn’t receive any damaging concussion that might have permanently ruined the inside of your ear. So I want to start off with giving you some medicine that might help to do away with the infection. I have used it with some of my prior patients who had mild hearing loss from similar causes such as yours and they found that it improved their condition by helping their immune systems.”
“So what happens if the medicine doesn’t work?” Siri asked after a while.
“That’s something we will be prepared for. In the meantime, I will be looking into possible hearing aids that might be compatible for Ruby’s hearing. While we all have similar ear structures, there are certain unique features in terms of the range of hearing and in Ruby’s case, being a singer, certain way of hearing that allows her to translate the tones she hears into her own voice. That’s sometimes lacking in people who might be tone deaf.”
“What are the chances, do you think, of the medicine taking care of the infection?” Ruby signed.
“I wish I can give you a definite number, but until the tests are taken, I don’t want to make any promises. What I can promise is that we will look into giving you what would work best for you. And before you ask, the last resort will be hearing implant. What that will do is essentially make an artificial hearing system to replace your current one, but that is only if there’s no other way to help you restore your old hearing. I can’t promise a perfect return of your hearing, but I can promise that I’ll do my best to help you hear again.”
Ruby looked into the woman’s eyes and she could see her sincerity. She wasn’t sure what to think of everything she had just learned but it seemed like her best hope at the moment. She glanced over Siri and the girl nodded to her and signed, “What do you think, Ruby? Do you want to try this?”
The twenty-six-year-old nodded, “I think it is worth a chance. I just don’t want to burden you guys with this.”
Siri rolled her eyes and responded, “I promise you aren’t. Look, I don’t mean to sound like a rich snob or anything but the money you give us will be a symbolic gesture and nothing more. Carson isn’t the only one in the family who makes good money, you know. Consider this our gift to you as our friend, okay?”
Ruby nodded slowly and turned to Eve, speaking slowly, “If it is okay, please arrange the next appointment.”
***
Jesse waved at his band mates before adjusting his cap and sunglasses. He opted to go to the coffee shop near his apartment instead of straight home as it has been a while since he had gone there. He waved at the lady behind the counter, Theresa, before giving her his order and taking a seat near the window. He frequented the shop in the past when they had first moved to LA from Malibu and the lady took care of him like she would her own son. Theresa was also from Colorado like himself and she had moved to California when her son went there for university and never left even when he did. She said she loved the sunlight and the people who came. Ironically, she said, after living in California for so long, it was hard to tell the celebrities from the non-celebrities.
Jesse had stayed in that same apartment ever since he came to California and found the lady to be almost like family to him, especially when he came back hung over during those dark months of his life. She had been the one to smack him around and tell him he had more important things to do with his life besides drinking and convinced him to bring himself together again. Luckily, Maroon 5 was a household name but most of the time, it was Adam who came to mind whenever anyone mentioned the band. He didn’t have to worry about paparazzis that much. Everything that happened in his life came and went without the disruption of someone who wanted to know more than they needed to.
He watched the people cross the street, ignoring the ding of the front door that signaled the coming of a new person into the shop. Theresa’s voice asked the newcomer: “Hey honey, what can I do for you today?”
After a while, he turned his head to see it. The red curls that fell to her waist made his heart skipped a beat as it had the first day he had seen her from behind. Was it her? He only stopped himself from getting up when the girl answered, “Black coffee, please.”
It wasn’t her, after all, he sighed inwardly. What did he expect anyways? After what happened in the past, he didn’t deserve to see her again. He wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes. When his attention returned to the coffee shop, the girl was already gone and Theresa had set his cup of coffee on the table and called to him. “Hey Jesse, your coffee’s done!”
He thanked Theresa before grabbing his coffee. “Slow day today?”
“Not exactly, you should have seen the morning rush. I’m glad it’s a little empty at this time. Good day at work, Jesse? Haven’t seen you around for a while,” Theresa smiled, wiping the counter.
“Been busy with work. I finally got Adam out of his apartment,” he responded.
“How’s that boy doing? He must have been torn apart when that sweet girl left. I’ve been reading his antics in the papers and well I’m sure half of them aren’t true, but I’ve been praying for him,” Theresa sat down across from him with her own cup.
When they shared an apartment, Jesse and Adam would always grab lunch at this coffee shop and even though Adam wasn’t as close to Theresa as Jesse had been, he still regarded her as another mother to him. Jesse nodded, “Most of them are, anyways. The thing that matters is that he’s getting better now. Struggling a bit, but he’s better than I had been a couple of months ago.”
Theresa squeezed his hand, “You’re stronger now, Jesse.”
“And I really have you to thank for that. Have I told you how awesome you are?”
She winked at him, “Not lately you haven’t. You’ve been skipping out on me, did you finally found a girl or something?”
“You’re kidding me, Theresa,” he rolled his eyes, “I’ve got my hands full with the models, the actresses…”
As he continued to list, Theresa let out a loud laugh and cut him off by adding, “Yes, and I’ve found the nicest girl for you! I bet you will just love her because she’ll set you straight when you misbehave!”
They continued to talk until long after his cup emptied and the sun began to set. By then it was time for him to go and there were more and more people coming into the shop. Theresa’s shop was no Starbucks with the shiny coffeemakers, but she had original flavors and her own way of making coffee that would keep her regulars and draw in people new to California. Jesse started towards the street again, checking his phone for texts and messages.
He stopped at the corner, checking the traffic light before glancing down at his phone again. Didn’t catch you at home when I stopped by. Dropped the songs off on your kitchen table and locked the doors on the way out. Mickey. He shrugged, responding to the message before looking up to the sound of the traffic light announcing that the pedestrians can now cross. It was then that their eyes met. She was on the other side of the street, her big blue eyes searching the sea of people and looking right past him, but he saw her.
Emma.
He started across the street, his eyes watching her every step. Her hair was no longer curly; instead, they were strands straight as needles with the ends touching her shoulders. Her bangs were like a curtain of fire, framing her wide blue eyes. She was lovely as always and even when he wanted to reach out and touch her, he couldn’t. Their eyes met for a split second, like two strangers on the street, as they passed each other.
In that moment and for the last time, their paths met and separated once more.
***
“Alright, you know the emergency number and you know the—“
“Carson! I’ve already told her all that fifty times!” Siri laughed from the bedroom as she dragged the suitcase out the door. “Don’t worry!”
“I know, Siri but I just want to make sure,” Carson said, pulling out his phone again and continuing what he was saying in a text. While typing, he also said to his son, who was running around the house in a makeshift cape, “Jackson, do you remember what we said about behaving with Ruby?”
“Be a good boy,” his son repeated along with him while making airplane noises, zooming past him and almost knocking down his suitcase. Luckily Ruby had caught him and picked him up. The boy hugged her back and kissed her on the cheek before holding his hands out, waiting to be taken on his fly for the day. Ruby laughed and holding one finger to her lips and then pointing to Carson. Jackson blinked and looked at his dad, as if realizing the man was there. By then, Carson had finished his text and rolling his eyes at the way his son was attached to the young girl. He held his hands out, waiting for the little rascal to come into his arms before he zoomed off.
Ruby read the text even though she had understood most of his message while he had been talking to her earlier that day. It didn’t hurt to have extra instructions.
Ruby, I am leaving you a list of emergency numbers to both myself and Siri in case our mobile phones cannot be reached during the vacation. Please don’t hesitate to call if anything goes wrong. We’ll be on the next plane back. I’ve already talked to Eve about your situation and if we need to proceed to the hearing aid or implants, Siri and I will probably be back before then but if necessary, she knows what to do so don’t fret about that. I am leaving you in Jackson’s and Nathan’s hands. Nathan will probably come over to keep you company and take you anywhere you need and even take Jackson off your hands once in a while if you need some time to yourself. You have no idea how much this means to me (and Siri, definitely) because we have been meaning to take a vacation for years now but there just wasn’t time. If I didn’t make this clear before, I’ll say it again, please make yourself at home here!
She laughed at the text and hugged Siri when she came down with her suitcase. The girl kissed her son and handed her over to Ruby before signing, “You are the best, seriously. I’m always torn between stealing Jackson back and letting him stay with you forever. I told you the kid loves you like crazy.”
“Have a good vacation and don’t worry about us,” Ruby spoke slowly, being unable to sign as her hands were full with the three-year-old.
When the couple had left on their long needed vacation, Ruby brought Jackson to his bookshelf and had him choose a book so they could read together. They settled on the lounge chair on the patio as she taught him to sign the words on the page. Jackson imitated her actions and soon he was able to sign some of the words without her help. The three-year-old grinned widely, jumping up and down before he pulled at his cape again to signal that he was ready for another fly.
They ran around the backyard and chased each other for a while until both were exhausted. She didn’t think she could ever get bored with the kid. He had too much energy on his hands. By the time they got back to the lounge, Ruby found a text message waiting for her from Nathan.
Hey Ruby, are you home?
What’s up, Nathan? I’m in the backyard.
Just dropping off something. I stopped by Eve’s office today and she had your meds ready.
Ruby remembered Eve. She had stopped by the office two weeks for the preliminary and a few days after for her tests. According to Eve, there needs to be more tests done on her infection to make sure that it wasn’t partly due to genetics as well. In any case, she had been prescribed some meds to see if her immune system could suddenly recognize that the infection was bad for her and fight it.
Nathan had gone with her that day because Siri had a couple of things to take care of with Carson regarding the trip. He held her hand while they waited outside the office, reassuring her that the tests were in no way painful and that no doubt, everything will be okay. She laughed softly and listened to him and surely enough, the tests took a total of two hours while they took x-rays of her ears in addition to blood tests to make sure that it wasn’t something else in her body that might have been affecting the infection.
After the tests, they went back to the office a couple of days later to talk about the results and do more tests to see if surgery was an option when it came to removing the infection in its entirety. When they had finished the trip to the doctor’s, the two went out for lunch with Jackson, who had been tagging along all that time and was surprisingly well-behaved whenever he had a crayon in his hand.
She could see Nathan’s head coming as he rounded to the back and entered the yard. He waved at her from across the yard. He picked Jackson up and spun him around when the three-year-old propelled himself into the older male. Nathan grinned at her before pulling the package from his bag. Ruby never thought it would feel like Christmas morning when she would receive her medicine, but this was much better. It meant that she might soon get her hearing back, that she might soon be able to hear music, that she might soon start to sing again!
“Are you excited?” Nathan signed to her. “Eve said to take it once a day. It won’t work right away but you might start getting some of your hearing back sporadically. If it works well, it should gradually improve over time before all of it comes back.”
Ruby smiled and responded in signing, “I’m trying not to place too much hope in this in case it doesn’t turn out well, but it is hard because Eve makes it all seem so amazingly easy.”
Nathan nodded, “Yea, she is like that with everyone. When I first went to see her, it was impossible not to get carried away by all the things she was telling me. Trust me, it is a long process, but in the end it’s all worth it.”
He took out the bottle and she held it in her hand. Take once a day, it said. Could something like this truly get rid of something that has been stuck with her for years? If it was easy, she should have tried this a long time ago. Nathan smiled patiently at her, as if he understood exactly what she was going through. It seemed like something so small, but it could change her life forever. Ruby could go back to how she was and become a better singer than she had been before. There was no longer be any handicap simply because she could not hear.
It was a blue and red pill and Ruby was almost afraid to believe that such a little thing could possibly contribute to her getting better, but she had already made the decision. She wanted to hear again, she wanted to sing again, and she wanted to be immersed in her music once more.
Here goes nothing.
Chapter Four
Siri woke up from a pleasant dream in which Jackson was teaching his little sister how to read. She smiled and touched her bare stomach. Even though the bump was not noticeable – most definitely not to Carson – she could tell the difference. She hadn’t decided when she would tell him about it because they had been talking about getting married and he had been on the fence about the whole thing. The last thing she wanted was to force him into a marriage out of obligation for their child. She had made sure that Jackson, in no way, should be the sole reason for their marriage. She wanted love, not just honor. She yawned, reaching to his side of the bed to find that it was empty.
She sat up and hummed at the sound of the rain outside. From across the room, she could see the time display on the digital clock become 8:09 PM. It had been raining ever since they got back to the house from their impromptu beach picnic. After their bath together, Siri and Carson decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day. Even though the storm has left Hawaii for quite some time, there was still some lingering rain. While she didn’t mind being inside, as long as she was able to spend time with her boyfriend, she really hoped the weather wasn’t going to stay like this for the rest of their vacation. She started to call out his name but her throat stung from their earlier activities so Siri cleared her throat before saying his name. “Carson?”
He didn’t answer, but she could hear the soft tones of his voice in the living room through the door that had been slightly ajar. He was talking to someone on the phone. When she got up, she pulled the blanket with her, letting it drag on the ground as she made her way to the living room of their rented vacation home. Was something wrong with Ruby? When Siri pulled the door open, she heard him say, “Adam, I don’t know about this.”
Adam? The first face that came to mind was that of Adam Levine’s. She remembered seeing him a while back at the restaurant on Jackson’s birthday and he had looked different. No longer the overly confident superstar with money and a supermodel girlfriend from Victoria Secret, he was just Adam Levine from Maroon 5, the singer. There was a sort of sullen humility to him that made him a little more tolerable to her than when she had first met him two years before when Carson joined The Voice as the host.
“Look, Adam, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but we both know what happened two years ago and honestly, I’m not very inclined to let it happen again.” It had been one of the few times she has ever seen Carson snap at someone, even if it had been on the phone. After a moment of silence, her boyfriend sighed and murmured softly, “I know… neither of us could have prevented it. Just… let me think about it, okay?”
When he hung up the phone, she sat down behind him, massaging his shoulders and asking gently, “What’s wrong? Is everything okay with Adam?”
“Yea, he’s fine,” Carson rubbed his eyes tiredly, “He said he ran into someone who reminded him of Ruby today and thought he would ask me for her contact information to look into her being Maroon 5’s opener for when they go on tour.”
“It was probably her,” she leaned against his back, yawning softly. When Carson hummed in agreement, she said, “And you don’t want to give it to him?”
She could feel him tense instantly as he asked, “I’ve never told you what happened, did I?”
***
“Hi. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I’m actually deaf.”
There was a silence drowning everyone in that room with shock and disbelief. The girl, who had lulled everyone into their own little world with her song, was deaf? Carson bit his lips, wanting to tell everyone that she was lying and to hurry her up in choosing a judge and get off the stage, but he couldn’t. She didn’t want him to get in trouble and at this point, there wasn’t much he could do about it. She has made her choice. The first to shake her head was Christina. She bit her lips, having the most uncomfortable expression on her face, one that would never be seen on national television, and said, “I… I don’t know what to say, Ruby. Your voice is incredible and yet I feel like bringing you into the competition would be unfair to you. I can tell you have experience in singing but I just think it wouldn’t be fair to put you up against people who can hear while you can’t. I’m really sorry, but I can’t have you on my team.”
Ruby nodded, and turned to Blake when he said, “I love your voice, I really do, but I’m gonna have to agree with Christina. The song selection we have ranges from the classics to newly composed songs – in fact, in the last round, the competitors are expected to learn a song composed by a writer who has written for them specifically. I feel like you have tremendous talent, but this isn’t the show for you.”
“I understand, thank you,” Ruby said slowly, smiling sadly.
When it was his turn to speak, Cee Lo frowned, “Ruby, I am in awe by what you can do and the fact that you are speaking to me without any indication that you are deaf is just a peek of what America is missing, you had all of us under your spell from the moment you started singing and I have no doubt that America will love you, but I agree with Christina and Blake not only because they are right but because I don’t think I have that potential to place you where you need to be, to help you along with your gift in spite of the obstacles. I’m sorry, Ruby.”
Ruby was already preparing to leave the stage; she couldn’t look Adam in the eyes. She didn’t want to know what he had to say. He had been the first to press his button and he had laid out such a promise that she didn’t want it to break into pieces. She knew, from reading his lips, that he was the only one who could have helped her. She would have picked him, but now she was in no position to do so at all. It was over. The only thing keeping her from bursting into tears was Carson’s hand on her arm and as the seconds ticked past, she was becoming less and less certain that she was going to be able to keep from breaking down.
Adam was looking down at the small table attached to his seat with his fingers intertwined in front of him. It was only when he realized that everyone’s eyes were on him that he started to speak, “I’ll take you. That is, if you want me to be your coach. I believe that all the other coaches would agree with me if I were to say that today, you have humbled us all. I could hear not only the raw emotions in your voice, but my god! There was also that seductive confidence that had to have taken years to build up. I can tell you know what you’re doing. Even though there’s a communication barrier between us, I believe we can get past that and get you where you deserve to be. It would be an honor to work with you, Ruby.”
She could see the sea of people in the dark rise up and move their hands as though they were clapping, but she had stopped trying to read Adam’s lips when he said that he would take her. She thought that he had been lying to her or giving his regrets about not being able to add her to his team because it would stunt him. She stared blankly at him, trying to register what he had been saying. Did he truly say what she thought he said? Could she be dreaming?
Her fears were to be unfounded by to the gentle push of Carson’s hand and the sight of Adam standing up with his arms outstretched that propelled her forward. When Adam’s arms enclosed around her, she wrapped her arms around his waist tightly, letting her tears wet his shirt. His lips moved against her ears until he remembered that she could not hear him and he pulled back with a smile on his face and awkwardly wiped her tears away as he mouthed, “You’re going to inspire the world.”
After the show when Ruby stood backstage with Carson to wait for Adam, they couldn’t find him. She had wanted to thank him for taking a chance on her and to tell him that she would be working towards overcoming her disadvantage. She had watched the other singers come and go, and though she could not hear what they were singing, there were little nuances in the way they sang that let her know that they would be formidable opponents. While she had never seen herself going into competitive singing (in spite of the competitions in which she was involved during high school), Ruby truly thought this would be a good change for her.
She followed Carson around backstage, going through hallways after hallways. They had passed by Christina’s doorway and while she could not hear anything she was saying, she could tell the singer had been frustrated at something. When they had passed by Cee Lo’s door, a furry white cat ran out and brushed past her leg and she sneezed, being allergic as she was. They had run into Blake on the way out and he had been walking with his wife, Miranda. Ruby recognized the blonde country singer from her youth when she had to learn how to sing country music for a concert. She had admired the lady and her feisty style and in spite of their difference in heights, Blake and Miranda were perfect for each other.
She smiled and hugged her. Blake hugged her and said, “I’m sorry that you couldn’t be on my team, Ruby. I’m glad you picked Adam. It’ll be refreshing to have you on the show.”
She nodded and thanked him before turning to Miranda and speaking slowly, “I’ve admired your music in high school. I think Blake is lucky to have you.”
After talking for a while, Carson and she continued their way towards Adam’s room. She nearly ran into the older man when he stopped abruptly upon their turning the corner. There was suddenly a tense expression on his face as he watched the scene in front of him. Ruby frowned and peeked over his shoulder to see Adam with his back to them while he was speaking to an older gentleman outside of his dressing room. There was an expression that was mixed with both anger and annoyance on the man’s face. He was wearing a gray suit and immediately from his stature, one could tell he had a position of authority.
Adam, on the other hand, was rigid. He kept shaking his head and for moments at a time, she could sense the frustrated expression on his face as he responded to the gentleman. Ruby wanted to come closer to see what they were saying, but Carson stopped her. Finally when Adam punched the wall beside him and the man muttered something with a leer before turning around and heading down the hall. Adam kicked the wall and when Ruby started forward towards him, Carson stopped her.
Right then, Adam saw them and it was like on the stage when she couldn’t meet his eyes – only this time, it was the other way around.
***
“They disqualified her because of her condition?”
Carson nodded, “It was cruel, but I had to be the one to sit her down and tell her that continuing in the competition was only going to end up with her losing because there was no way the director and producers wanted someone like her on the stage. The show would lose its ratings if she were to leave and someone of her image was not what they were looking for in a singer. The producers decided that America was not ready for someone like her.”
“And what did Adam have to do with this? Didn’t he fight for her?”
“He did, but at the idea of his being kicked from the show, he gave up and Ruby was left by herself. We had to cut out that portion of the show and everyone had to act like it never happened.”
“No way, there must have been at least one person in the audience who spoke out against that.”
“We lied and said that she had received some sort of singing contract and therefore withdrew from the competition. Not everyone believed us, of course, but there was no evidence of the tape for any reporter to show and the cameras and other recording devices had already been taken up before everything had started. So if anyone said anything, it’s simply word of mouth. Over time as the competition started, people started to forget about her.”
“Carson, that’s not something everyone can help.”
“No, but Adam shouldn’t have raised her hopes in the first place. The worst part is why he did it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He knew what would happen to the show if they were to let her lose, so she was literally his lifeboat. When he was talking to the director, he was talking about how, with her singing abilities, Ruby could easily make it to the last round and what more did America need than to see someone win, especially someone who was fully capable of singing but at the same time, deaf? She would be a national treasure, don’t you see? Adam wanted to win and what pissed me off was that he was using her as a handicap win.”
“I don’t get it, what would he have gotten from this if they had won?”
“Another contract of their own, proceeds for being able to endorse a singer, fame, what else?”
Carson was tired and torn. It was easy to see why. It has been two years since his meeting with the younger girl and Siri could remember the day when he came home with the most desolate look on his face that all she wanted to do was hold him until he felt better. He told her that he had failed someone and no matter how much she tried to get it out of him, he would not talk about it. Now that she knew it was Ruby, she had a bias against Adam – knowing that he has done such a thing to her. It was unfair and part of her wanted to tell him that Adam should have no part in her life at all, but the opportunity that was presented made it so hard to not want to give him one more chance. If they could get her infection taken care of in time, she would be on her way to the tour, fully capable of drawing the world’s attention.
“What are you thinking of doing now?” she asked, rubbing his shoulder.
Carson let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know, Siri. The reason why we brought her here is to help her back on her feet and when something like this comes up, I know it’s the perfect thing for her. Adam has changed since last year when he broke up with Anne and you remember seeing him the other day, he’s changed and I really want to believe that. I just… it’s Ruby and you know with what happened to Linda. I don’t even want the idea of what happened two years ago to resurface again.”
“Carson, why don’t we just leave this up to her? I know we brought her to California to stay with us, but it’s not as though we should make her stay with us forever. After being with Linda for so long and then suddenly go without her, she has to make her own choices eventually and we can’t hold her hand forever, you know. She has so much ahead of her. She has to sing her heart out in front of the world, to meet someone and fall in love with them just like I did with you, to start a family and settle down, and sometimes we can’t make those decisions for her. Why don’t you just send her a message when we get back or something?”
Siri smiled reassuringly when Carson nodded. She stood up, letting the blanket fall from her body as she tugged his hand, “Come on, let’s get back to bed, we still have two weeks left and you promised me a month of us time.”
***
Ruby squinted at the light in front of her. Even though the room looked empty, she could tell that everyone’s eyes were on her. She wasn’t sure whether or not Nathan had told the MC that she was deaf or what, but it was too late to wonder about that now. She was standing on the stage in the midst of silence while the audience was waiting to hear her voice. She shifted her attention to her bare feet resting on the ground. When the slight hum of vibrations strummed up her body, she started counting. This song was an old song, one with which she was well acquainted from her old school days.
Nathan had told her about a mini mike event at a poetry bar he frequented during his college years a few days ago and asked if she had wanted to join it. Even when she had expressed her reluctance, he told her that after hearing her sing, she was a lot better than some of the talents that sang as regulars simply because of her years of training. There was no special prize other than to have people listen to her and then applause her. So hesitantly she agreed.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on the other vibrations that had joined in and imagined those sensations to be music. She remembered singing this with Reid when he taught her to lower her voice by an entire octave in one measure. She wished she had paid more attention to the beats and rhythms back then, but she was too immersed in the melody, the lyrics, the outer beauty of the song to also appreciate the inner beauty that is not always known to people.
Remember those walls I built? Well baby they’re tumbling down…
The words left her lips and she could feel her voice box shivering from the notes being dropped. Oh, the bliss, it has been such a long time since she has let herself be completely immersed in the song. It had been one thing to be surrounded by the melody of the song, but quite another to imagine that there was melody while one was singing to it.
Feels like I’ve been awakened, every rule I had you breakin’
From the risk that I’m takin’, I’m never gonna shut you out
By now the audience has disappeared. For Ruby, it was only her on that stage. It was small, cramped bar that smelled of coffee and a hint of cigarettes but on that stage, she was in her own world. Ruby bobbed her head to the sound of the imaginary piano and as the notes went higher, so did she.
You’re everything I need and more,
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
Her entire body felt light when the feelings through which she placed her voice, her entire being, soared high. She thought about the past few years when she had been immerse in the bliss of knowing that her voice affected the world, taking the beauty of her range for granted and losing the ability to hear her own voice and most of all – music. She thought about how she felt after she came home one day, a freshman in high school, to find her grandmother weeping on the couch, mourning the loss of her daughter and son-in-law and how, while she had been at school goofing around with her friends, she became an orphan. She thought about her grandmother and her letter to Pattie, telling her that her precious granddaughter’s dream has always been to sing to the world and she wanted that dream to come true even after she, Linda, has left this world, and how that letter has gotten her to where she was now – several months into California with Carson and Siri and the others, singing her heart out in front of a faceless crowd at a bar.
While it had not been what she had originally planned, there didn’t seem to be any other way she could be happy. She let the chorus fade softly into the background as the light turned on and suddenly she was met with the sight of people clapping and smiling at her. She could recall the same moment two years ago, the mesmerized audience stirred awake from a fantasy, but even when the audience is more subdued and smaller, she felt closer to the crowd, more humbled by what she could do and could not do. She smiled and gave a short bow before making her way off the stage and towards Nathan, who was sitting at the bar. He grinned and signed to her, “See? I knew you’d do an awesome job. It’s a riot here.”
The MC passed her on the way towards the stage and patted her on the back before giving her a wink. She returned the smile and sat down next to Nathan as the show continued. She was watching the fingers of a guy playing on his guitar, lips unmoving and fully concentrated on the movement of the strings, until she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned around, a man with short brown hair waved lightly at her and behind him stood three other guys. She blinked curiously at him as he opened his mouth and said something. “Hi, you are Ruby?”
She nodded, looking over to Nathan, who was shaking hands with the other three guys. She wasn’t sure what to say to him as she was sure that the bar was either too loud for anything to be heard coming from her lips or too quiet that it would be rude to interrupt what had been such a performance. Nathan said something to the guy before he finally nodded in realization and started signing to her, “Sorry about that. I’m Jesse.”
“He’s a friend, Ruby,” Nathan articulated. “They wanted to talk to you about something.”
She nodded and gestured to the seat beside her and waited for Jesse to sit down. When he sat down, he introduced his friends as Mickey, Ryan, and James. He had signed everything so well and on occasion with words unfamiliar to him, he tried to articulate it. The other guys would say something to him and he would sign it for her. Finally, out of curiosity she asked, “How did you learn sign language? Does everyone in California know it or something?”
He laughed before responding, “It’s because of an ex.”
She finally nodded, “So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”
His face finally got serious as Jesse settled into his seat, “Oh, that. Yes, my friends and I thought your singing was awesome… so imagine our surprise when we found out that you were deaf.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve been told that,” she remarked.
“Well, we’d like to ask you for a favor – about being an opener for our band. We’re going on tour soon and our opener has canceled on us. So we’re stuck without an opener and we’ve also got a duet written for our lead singer that we need someone to sing with him and my god, I think your voice would absolutely mesh with his.”
She blinked. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? There was no mistaking it. Even at first glance, she could tell he was proficient at ASL so it was hard to believe that he had been saying one thing and she had been misinterpreting his words. She turned to Nathan to see what he would say but instead he nodded at Jesse and signed, “It’s a really good band.”
When she turned back to Jesse, he finally signed, “Look, you don’t have to decide now. On Monday, we have rehearsal. If you want, I can give you the address and you can come and meet our lead singer, give it a shot with him and see if there’s any chemistry. If you like it, great, we can take a few moments out to talk about the tour and if not, it’s all good. Originally, I thought we’d be able to work everything out but I realize how it changes things when I heard about your situation and I can understand if you’re hesitant about all of this.”
She breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he could tell what she was going through. Jesse continued, “Not to mention, we’re all just four strange guys going up to talk to you about singing with us. In spite of all that, I don’t want you to think this is a scam or anything. Just give us a chance, okay? You can even bring Nathan with you if you want. He knows the way to our studio. He has worked with a couple of our friends before.”
Ruby nodded and before she turned to Nathan, she remembered what she had to say, “Thank you for being understanding, Jesse, but I think there is something you should at least know about me first. I’m currently undergoing treatment for the infection that caused my hearing loss so you should know that I’m not exactly in peak condition, not that I was in such condition to begin with. I am not confident I will be able to sing a duet with your lead singer as I haven’t sung with another person in almost eight years.”
Jesse went quiet for a while before he looked over to his other band mates and excused himself for a while to talk to them. Ruby turned to Nathan, shrugging as he squeezed her shoulder in reassurance. He leaned closer to her and mouthed, “Don’t worry. They’re great guys and I honestly don’t think that what’s going on with you is going to be a hindrance in any way, though I thought it was pretty brave of you to tell them, they are just trying to work out how communication would work in addition to your condition.”
“Tell me more about them.”
“Their lead singer, Adam, is a great guy. Carson has worked with him before so they know each other pretty well. He writes most of the lyrics to their songs and the rest of the composition is usually up to Jesse and Mickey over there, the guy with the leather jacket.”
“What is their band called?”
Before she could make out the words on Nathan’s lips, a hand clasps her shoulder and she turns around to see Jesse’s apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. We were just trying to make sure—Oh fuck, your ear’s bleeding!”
She blinked, momentarily confused as to why he was pointing at her with his eyes widened in horror. His lips were moving so fast that she almost couldn’t tell what he was saying. The room, as dark as it already was, had become darker and from behind him, Ruby could see the moving shadows of people blur into one another. She felt light-headed, like she had while singing Halo but it wasn’t the good kind of light-headed. Ruby saw the room spin around her and that light-headedness disappeared into a sinking sensation, like gravity was determined to bring her down.
In that moment, she could almost hear a rush of wind through pierce her ear and feel Nathan’s tight grasp on her arm as she went down. Was it really over? Ruby didn’t remember thinking anything else except that it was a shame that her last moments of life had ended in complete and utter silence, with Nathan and four strangers towering over her and many dreams which would go to waste.
***
Jesse glanced at his watch for the twentieth time. He realized that he didn’t have to be there at the hospital but somehow he felt like he had to. The girl had been bleeding from the ear and he would feel like a total ass if he had left, even if he did know Nathan personally and the kid had told him everything was halright. Nathan was on the phone with his doctor, who was also the girl’s doctor as well and they were trying to figure out what went wrong with the medication. He stared at the curtained wall behind which laid the unconscious girl. Jesse had caught her before the back of her head hit the ground, but she had been out cold before then.
Jesse’s first impression of Ruby was that he thought she was still in college. Her shoulder-length hair has been recently cut, as he could tell from the neat trim, and unlike other Californians, she didn’t have that beach tan that came from walking along the shores everyday. When he walked into the bar in the middle of her rendition of Beyonce, though it wasn’t the powerful solid notes that had gotten to him, he was surprised to find himself drawn to a more elegant and refined remake of the piece, he found himself beckoning his band mates – though they didn’t need much beckoning since he didn’t doubt that they felt the same upon hearing her voice – towards the front of the bar so he could see the stage. Much to his surprise, he found a short girl standing in knee-length shorts and a plain white t-shirt, barefoot on the stage, clutching the microphone for dear life and singing her heart out, unaware of the audience that had been enthralled by her.
He had wanted to speak with her right away but for some reason, no matter how much he called to her, she just kept walking towards the bar, ignoring him completely. Fortunately he saw Nathan there talking to her and he explained to him that she couldn’t hear and that she was very much out of school if anything. Nathan hadn’t seemed very surprised to learn that Jesse had wanted her to work with the band, but then Jesse imagined that even she would not be very surprised either, considering the amount of training and talent she had.
He knew that her condition should have been a no-no when it came to working with Adam. For one, he was struggling to hit his original range and it would have made things more difficult to work with someone who could not hear well, but then he knew that her voice would be perfect. It would have been what they were all looking for in terms of who would sing the duet with Adam. It was not easy to find a voice to match Adam’s as he did not usually play around with a wide range of music, instead, focusing on perfecting what he already had in his arsenal. At this point with his standing in the music industry, they had to make everyone overlook his past deeds and by god, they were desperate to find the perfect singer for him.
“Are you Ms. Li’s family?” the doctor asked him. Jesse looked up to find Nathan standing in front of the doctor, talking to him. When he was just about to join them, his phone rang.
“Hey Adam, what’s up?” he answered, moving to a quiet corner.
“Where are you, Jesse? I’m on my way to the café.” Jesse could hear the sound of cars honking and people talking in the background and the fluctuation of Adam’s voice as he walked down the street.
“I’m going to be a little late, man. I’m at the hospital right now.” A pause. “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just here with someone. She’s a potential for an opener. The guys and I thought she would be awesome for that duet we wrote for you and we were in the middle of speaking to her before it went a little crazy.” Jesse nodded when Nathan pointed towards Ruby’s space and mouthed that he will be inside with her if Jesse still wanted to speak to her. “She’s awesome, Adam, you’re going to love her. I just gotta get her to agree to a rehearsal first. Hey look, I gotta go, okay?”
Jesse started towards the space until Adam stopped him and he responded, “You wanna meet her?” A pause. “Yea, sure you can come. I don’t know how much longer we’ll be here but I think she’s awake. Just hurry.”
The brunet walked towards the curtain and pushed his way through to see Ruby sitting there staring at her hands on her lap. Her white shirt is now partly bloody and there was a light bruise at the side of her face where she bumped it against the bar on the way down. Nathan was furiously signing something to her with a frown on his face until she finally retorted, a little tongue-tied, “They were working for a short while, so I thought it was okay. I had no idea it would make it worse.”
“You should have told me or Eve about it at least,” Nathan responded. “When did you say it was working? I don’t remember you telling me.”
“It was a couple of days ago when I was meeting you at that sandwich shop. I bumped into someone and for a second, I could hear everything and then it went away. I’m sorry Nathan, this is the first time it’s happened and if I had known, I would have told you guys.” She shook her head and looked up at Jesse, a little surprised to find him standing there. Apologetically, she said “I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t what you are bargaining for at all.”
Jesse shook his head and signed, “I didn’t expect you to come completely without any flaws. If anything, we would have been suspicious as to what other baggage you had – you’re not doing drugs, are you?”
Ruby laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood and shook her head, “No, I’m just deaf.”
“Well, I can handle that, I think. Look, it’s about to be August and we’ve got about four more months before we officially go on tour. Our lead singer has recently gotten out of a puddle of misery and we’re working towards our goal. I honestly think we’re going to be more than prepared come December and if you’re still up for it, I think you’ll be great on our team. Like I said before, just come into rehearsal and check us out. It’ll be a learning experience for everyone. You can continue your treatment and we can work through those obstacles with your doctor if you want.” Jesse paused and looked at Nathan, “She can sing and be in loud places, right?”
Nathan nodded and said, “Yea, that’s fine. Eve had said that if anything, it would be beneficial in terms of trying to get that infection to be displaced. Just don’t get too crazy with it like 80’s rock.”
“Not a problem, I don’t know if you’ve heard of us before, but our music is fairly laid back,” Jesse started to say more but the buzzing in his pocket stopped him. He pulled out his phone and glanced at the text from Adam, “Hey, look, our lead singer is coming. He wanted to meet you when I told him about you.”
“I’m in no condition to meet him!” Ruby furiously shook her head while pointing at her bloodied shirt, “I look horrible!”
“It’ll take five minutes, and he already knows about the situation so he doesn’t mind at all,” Jesse shook his head on the way out, not allowing her a chance to refuse, “It’ll be fine!”
Nathan sat down next to Ruby again, squeezing her arm, “Look, you can tell he obviously wants you on the band. I think you should give it a chance.”
“I don’t know, Nathan. I’m afraid to disappoint them. I know Eve’s going to get a piece of me for not telling her about it but it worries me to think about starting the next treatment and what if I’m not there half of the time?”
“You will be, I’ll make sure you’re there, okay? I’ll go with you to rehearsal and bring you back home.”
She laughed, “What about Jackson? He’s going to kick our butts for leaving him alone for so long.”
“No he’s not. Mrs. Larson loves having him around because he’s the only one who eats her sweets and you know he’ll never get mad at you because you’re the only one who spoils him! So don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on you, make sure everything’s going alright and next thing you know, we’ll get you hearing again.”
“Well, if you think it’ll be okay… then I’ll believe you,” Ruby got off the bed with his help and fell into deep thought before frowning, as if she had realized something, “What band did you say it was, again?”
Nathan had started to mouth the words but Ruby was no longer looking at him. Instead, she was staring straight ahead at the two who had just entered the room. Jesse was saying something to Adam, whose eyes were fixed on Ruby. Whatever conversation they were having quickly dissolved into thin air and suddenly the tension fell over them, thick and suffocating. A frown fell upon her lips as Adam walked up to her and held out his hand, introducing himself to her and saying what a pleasure it was to meet someone about whom Jesse sang such high praises.
The PhD film graduate has never seen his friend mad before. Flustered, embarrassed, and sometimes sad, perhaps, but mostly he had gotten used to the smile on her face whenever she was with Jackson and the peaceful look on her face while she got lost inside her own world, one filled with music, but this – this was something new. There was some kind of fire lighting up in her eyes and when Adam held out his hands, the fire exploded and it was like watching everything in slow motion. Her hand came out as though she was going to return the gesture, but instead, it bunched up with tensed white muscles and before anyone could say anything, Adam’s head snapped to the side when her fist collided with his cheek.
She sat up and hummed at the sound of the rain outside. From across the room, she could see the time display on the digital clock become 8:09 PM. It had been raining ever since they got back to the house from their impromptu beach picnic. After their bath together, Siri and Carson decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day. Even though the storm has left Hawaii for quite some time, there was still some lingering rain. While she didn’t mind being inside, as long as she was able to spend time with her boyfriend, she really hoped the weather wasn’t going to stay like this for the rest of their vacation. She started to call out his name but her throat stung from their earlier activities so Siri cleared her throat before saying his name. “Carson?”
He didn’t answer, but she could hear the soft tones of his voice in the living room through the door that had been slightly ajar. He was talking to someone on the phone. When she got up, she pulled the blanket with her, letting it drag on the ground as she made her way to the living room of their rented vacation home. Was something wrong with Ruby? When Siri pulled the door open, she heard him say, “Adam, I don’t know about this.”
Adam? The first face that came to mind was that of Adam Levine’s. She remembered seeing him a while back at the restaurant on Jackson’s birthday and he had looked different. No longer the overly confident superstar with money and a supermodel girlfriend from Victoria Secret, he was just Adam Levine from Maroon 5, the singer. There was a sort of sullen humility to him that made him a little more tolerable to her than when she had first met him two years before when Carson joined The Voice as the host.
“Look, Adam, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but we both know what happened two years ago and honestly, I’m not very inclined to let it happen again.” It had been one of the few times she has ever seen Carson snap at someone, even if it had been on the phone. After a moment of silence, her boyfriend sighed and murmured softly, “I know… neither of us could have prevented it. Just… let me think about it, okay?”
When he hung up the phone, she sat down behind him, massaging his shoulders and asking gently, “What’s wrong? Is everything okay with Adam?”
“Yea, he’s fine,” Carson rubbed his eyes tiredly, “He said he ran into someone who reminded him of Ruby today and thought he would ask me for her contact information to look into her being Maroon 5’s opener for when they go on tour.”
“It was probably her,” she leaned against his back, yawning softly. When Carson hummed in agreement, she said, “And you don’t want to give it to him?”
She could feel him tense instantly as he asked, “I’ve never told you what happened, did I?”
***
“Hi. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I’m actually deaf.”
There was a silence drowning everyone in that room with shock and disbelief. The girl, who had lulled everyone into their own little world with her song, was deaf? Carson bit his lips, wanting to tell everyone that she was lying and to hurry her up in choosing a judge and get off the stage, but he couldn’t. She didn’t want him to get in trouble and at this point, there wasn’t much he could do about it. She has made her choice. The first to shake her head was Christina. She bit her lips, having the most uncomfortable expression on her face, one that would never be seen on national television, and said, “I… I don’t know what to say, Ruby. Your voice is incredible and yet I feel like bringing you into the competition would be unfair to you. I can tell you have experience in singing but I just think it wouldn’t be fair to put you up against people who can hear while you can’t. I’m really sorry, but I can’t have you on my team.”
Ruby nodded, and turned to Blake when he said, “I love your voice, I really do, but I’m gonna have to agree with Christina. The song selection we have ranges from the classics to newly composed songs – in fact, in the last round, the competitors are expected to learn a song composed by a writer who has written for them specifically. I feel like you have tremendous talent, but this isn’t the show for you.”
“I understand, thank you,” Ruby said slowly, smiling sadly.
When it was his turn to speak, Cee Lo frowned, “Ruby, I am in awe by what you can do and the fact that you are speaking to me without any indication that you are deaf is just a peek of what America is missing, you had all of us under your spell from the moment you started singing and I have no doubt that America will love you, but I agree with Christina and Blake not only because they are right but because I don’t think I have that potential to place you where you need to be, to help you along with your gift in spite of the obstacles. I’m sorry, Ruby.”
Ruby was already preparing to leave the stage; she couldn’t look Adam in the eyes. She didn’t want to know what he had to say. He had been the first to press his button and he had laid out such a promise that she didn’t want it to break into pieces. She knew, from reading his lips, that he was the only one who could have helped her. She would have picked him, but now she was in no position to do so at all. It was over. The only thing keeping her from bursting into tears was Carson’s hand on her arm and as the seconds ticked past, she was becoming less and less certain that she was going to be able to keep from breaking down.
Adam was looking down at the small table attached to his seat with his fingers intertwined in front of him. It was only when he realized that everyone’s eyes were on him that he started to speak, “I’ll take you. That is, if you want me to be your coach. I believe that all the other coaches would agree with me if I were to say that today, you have humbled us all. I could hear not only the raw emotions in your voice, but my god! There was also that seductive confidence that had to have taken years to build up. I can tell you know what you’re doing. Even though there’s a communication barrier between us, I believe we can get past that and get you where you deserve to be. It would be an honor to work with you, Ruby.”
She could see the sea of people in the dark rise up and move their hands as though they were clapping, but she had stopped trying to read Adam’s lips when he said that he would take her. She thought that he had been lying to her or giving his regrets about not being able to add her to his team because it would stunt him. She stared blankly at him, trying to register what he had been saying. Did he truly say what she thought he said? Could she be dreaming?
Her fears were to be unfounded by to the gentle push of Carson’s hand and the sight of Adam standing up with his arms outstretched that propelled her forward. When Adam’s arms enclosed around her, she wrapped her arms around his waist tightly, letting her tears wet his shirt. His lips moved against her ears until he remembered that she could not hear him and he pulled back with a smile on his face and awkwardly wiped her tears away as he mouthed, “You’re going to inspire the world.”
After the show when Ruby stood backstage with Carson to wait for Adam, they couldn’t find him. She had wanted to thank him for taking a chance on her and to tell him that she would be working towards overcoming her disadvantage. She had watched the other singers come and go, and though she could not hear what they were singing, there were little nuances in the way they sang that let her know that they would be formidable opponents. While she had never seen herself going into competitive singing (in spite of the competitions in which she was involved during high school), Ruby truly thought this would be a good change for her.
She followed Carson around backstage, going through hallways after hallways. They had passed by Christina’s doorway and while she could not hear anything she was saying, she could tell the singer had been frustrated at something. When they had passed by Cee Lo’s door, a furry white cat ran out and brushed past her leg and she sneezed, being allergic as she was. They had run into Blake on the way out and he had been walking with his wife, Miranda. Ruby recognized the blonde country singer from her youth when she had to learn how to sing country music for a concert. She had admired the lady and her feisty style and in spite of their difference in heights, Blake and Miranda were perfect for each other.
She smiled and hugged her. Blake hugged her and said, “I’m sorry that you couldn’t be on my team, Ruby. I’m glad you picked Adam. It’ll be refreshing to have you on the show.”
She nodded and thanked him before turning to Miranda and speaking slowly, “I’ve admired your music in high school. I think Blake is lucky to have you.”
After talking for a while, Carson and she continued their way towards Adam’s room. She nearly ran into the older man when he stopped abruptly upon their turning the corner. There was suddenly a tense expression on his face as he watched the scene in front of him. Ruby frowned and peeked over his shoulder to see Adam with his back to them while he was speaking to an older gentleman outside of his dressing room. There was an expression that was mixed with both anger and annoyance on the man’s face. He was wearing a gray suit and immediately from his stature, one could tell he had a position of authority.
Adam, on the other hand, was rigid. He kept shaking his head and for moments at a time, she could sense the frustrated expression on his face as he responded to the gentleman. Ruby wanted to come closer to see what they were saying, but Carson stopped her. Finally when Adam punched the wall beside him and the man muttered something with a leer before turning around and heading down the hall. Adam kicked the wall and when Ruby started forward towards him, Carson stopped her.
Right then, Adam saw them and it was like on the stage when she couldn’t meet his eyes – only this time, it was the other way around.
***
“They disqualified her because of her condition?”
Carson nodded, “It was cruel, but I had to be the one to sit her down and tell her that continuing in the competition was only going to end up with her losing because there was no way the director and producers wanted someone like her on the stage. The show would lose its ratings if she were to leave and someone of her image was not what they were looking for in a singer. The producers decided that America was not ready for someone like her.”
“And what did Adam have to do with this? Didn’t he fight for her?”
“He did, but at the idea of his being kicked from the show, he gave up and Ruby was left by herself. We had to cut out that portion of the show and everyone had to act like it never happened.”
“No way, there must have been at least one person in the audience who spoke out against that.”
“We lied and said that she had received some sort of singing contract and therefore withdrew from the competition. Not everyone believed us, of course, but there was no evidence of the tape for any reporter to show and the cameras and other recording devices had already been taken up before everything had started. So if anyone said anything, it’s simply word of mouth. Over time as the competition started, people started to forget about her.”
“Carson, that’s not something everyone can help.”
“No, but Adam shouldn’t have raised her hopes in the first place. The worst part is why he did it.”
“What do you mean?”
“He knew what would happen to the show if they were to let her lose, so she was literally his lifeboat. When he was talking to the director, he was talking about how, with her singing abilities, Ruby could easily make it to the last round and what more did America need than to see someone win, especially someone who was fully capable of singing but at the same time, deaf? She would be a national treasure, don’t you see? Adam wanted to win and what pissed me off was that he was using her as a handicap win.”
“I don’t get it, what would he have gotten from this if they had won?”
“Another contract of their own, proceeds for being able to endorse a singer, fame, what else?”
Carson was tired and torn. It was easy to see why. It has been two years since his meeting with the younger girl and Siri could remember the day when he came home with the most desolate look on his face that all she wanted to do was hold him until he felt better. He told her that he had failed someone and no matter how much she tried to get it out of him, he would not talk about it. Now that she knew it was Ruby, she had a bias against Adam – knowing that he has done such a thing to her. It was unfair and part of her wanted to tell him that Adam should have no part in her life at all, but the opportunity that was presented made it so hard to not want to give him one more chance. If they could get her infection taken care of in time, she would be on her way to the tour, fully capable of drawing the world’s attention.
“What are you thinking of doing now?” she asked, rubbing his shoulder.
Carson let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know, Siri. The reason why we brought her here is to help her back on her feet and when something like this comes up, I know it’s the perfect thing for her. Adam has changed since last year when he broke up with Anne and you remember seeing him the other day, he’s changed and I really want to believe that. I just… it’s Ruby and you know with what happened to Linda. I don’t even want the idea of what happened two years ago to resurface again.”
“Carson, why don’t we just leave this up to her? I know we brought her to California to stay with us, but it’s not as though we should make her stay with us forever. After being with Linda for so long and then suddenly go without her, she has to make her own choices eventually and we can’t hold her hand forever, you know. She has so much ahead of her. She has to sing her heart out in front of the world, to meet someone and fall in love with them just like I did with you, to start a family and settle down, and sometimes we can’t make those decisions for her. Why don’t you just send her a message when we get back or something?”
Siri smiled reassuringly when Carson nodded. She stood up, letting the blanket fall from her body as she tugged his hand, “Come on, let’s get back to bed, we still have two weeks left and you promised me a month of us time.”
***
Ruby squinted at the light in front of her. Even though the room looked empty, she could tell that everyone’s eyes were on her. She wasn’t sure whether or not Nathan had told the MC that she was deaf or what, but it was too late to wonder about that now. She was standing on the stage in the midst of silence while the audience was waiting to hear her voice. She shifted her attention to her bare feet resting on the ground. When the slight hum of vibrations strummed up her body, she started counting. This song was an old song, one with which she was well acquainted from her old school days.
Nathan had told her about a mini mike event at a poetry bar he frequented during his college years a few days ago and asked if she had wanted to join it. Even when she had expressed her reluctance, he told her that after hearing her sing, she was a lot better than some of the talents that sang as regulars simply because of her years of training. There was no special prize other than to have people listen to her and then applause her. So hesitantly she agreed.
She closed her eyes and concentrated on the other vibrations that had joined in and imagined those sensations to be music. She remembered singing this with Reid when he taught her to lower her voice by an entire octave in one measure. She wished she had paid more attention to the beats and rhythms back then, but she was too immersed in the melody, the lyrics, the outer beauty of the song to also appreciate the inner beauty that is not always known to people.
Remember those walls I built? Well baby they’re tumbling down…
The words left her lips and she could feel her voice box shivering from the notes being dropped. Oh, the bliss, it has been such a long time since she has let herself be completely immersed in the song. It had been one thing to be surrounded by the melody of the song, but quite another to imagine that there was melody while one was singing to it.
Feels like I’ve been awakened, every rule I had you breakin’
From the risk that I’m takin’, I’m never gonna shut you out
By now the audience has disappeared. For Ruby, it was only her on that stage. It was small, cramped bar that smelled of coffee and a hint of cigarettes but on that stage, she was in her own world. Ruby bobbed her head to the sound of the imaginary piano and as the notes went higher, so did she.
You’re everything I need and more,
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
Her entire body felt light when the feelings through which she placed her voice, her entire being, soared high. She thought about the past few years when she had been immerse in the bliss of knowing that her voice affected the world, taking the beauty of her range for granted and losing the ability to hear her own voice and most of all – music. She thought about how she felt after she came home one day, a freshman in high school, to find her grandmother weeping on the couch, mourning the loss of her daughter and son-in-law and how, while she had been at school goofing around with her friends, she became an orphan. She thought about her grandmother and her letter to Pattie, telling her that her precious granddaughter’s dream has always been to sing to the world and she wanted that dream to come true even after she, Linda, has left this world, and how that letter has gotten her to where she was now – several months into California with Carson and Siri and the others, singing her heart out in front of a faceless crowd at a bar.
While it had not been what she had originally planned, there didn’t seem to be any other way she could be happy. She let the chorus fade softly into the background as the light turned on and suddenly she was met with the sight of people clapping and smiling at her. She could recall the same moment two years ago, the mesmerized audience stirred awake from a fantasy, but even when the audience is more subdued and smaller, she felt closer to the crowd, more humbled by what she could do and could not do. She smiled and gave a short bow before making her way off the stage and towards Nathan, who was sitting at the bar. He grinned and signed to her, “See? I knew you’d do an awesome job. It’s a riot here.”
The MC passed her on the way towards the stage and patted her on the back before giving her a wink. She returned the smile and sat down next to Nathan as the show continued. She was watching the fingers of a guy playing on his guitar, lips unmoving and fully concentrated on the movement of the strings, until she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned around, a man with short brown hair waved lightly at her and behind him stood three other guys. She blinked curiously at him as he opened his mouth and said something. “Hi, you are Ruby?”
She nodded, looking over to Nathan, who was shaking hands with the other three guys. She wasn’t sure what to say to him as she was sure that the bar was either too loud for anything to be heard coming from her lips or too quiet that it would be rude to interrupt what had been such a performance. Nathan said something to the guy before he finally nodded in realization and started signing to her, “Sorry about that. I’m Jesse.”
“He’s a friend, Ruby,” Nathan articulated. “They wanted to talk to you about something.”
She nodded and gestured to the seat beside her and waited for Jesse to sit down. When he sat down, he introduced his friends as Mickey, Ryan, and James. He had signed everything so well and on occasion with words unfamiliar to him, he tried to articulate it. The other guys would say something to him and he would sign it for her. Finally, out of curiosity she asked, “How did you learn sign language? Does everyone in California know it or something?”
He laughed before responding, “It’s because of an ex.”
She finally nodded, “So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”
His face finally got serious as Jesse settled into his seat, “Oh, that. Yes, my friends and I thought your singing was awesome… so imagine our surprise when we found out that you were deaf.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve been told that,” she remarked.
“Well, we’d like to ask you for a favor – about being an opener for our band. We’re going on tour soon and our opener has canceled on us. So we’re stuck without an opener and we’ve also got a duet written for our lead singer that we need someone to sing with him and my god, I think your voice would absolutely mesh with his.”
She blinked. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? There was no mistaking it. Even at first glance, she could tell he was proficient at ASL so it was hard to believe that he had been saying one thing and she had been misinterpreting his words. She turned to Nathan to see what he would say but instead he nodded at Jesse and signed, “It’s a really good band.”
When she turned back to Jesse, he finally signed, “Look, you don’t have to decide now. On Monday, we have rehearsal. If you want, I can give you the address and you can come and meet our lead singer, give it a shot with him and see if there’s any chemistry. If you like it, great, we can take a few moments out to talk about the tour and if not, it’s all good. Originally, I thought we’d be able to work everything out but I realize how it changes things when I heard about your situation and I can understand if you’re hesitant about all of this.”
She breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he could tell what she was going through. Jesse continued, “Not to mention, we’re all just four strange guys going up to talk to you about singing with us. In spite of all that, I don’t want you to think this is a scam or anything. Just give us a chance, okay? You can even bring Nathan with you if you want. He knows the way to our studio. He has worked with a couple of our friends before.”
Ruby nodded and before she turned to Nathan, she remembered what she had to say, “Thank you for being understanding, Jesse, but I think there is something you should at least know about me first. I’m currently undergoing treatment for the infection that caused my hearing loss so you should know that I’m not exactly in peak condition, not that I was in such condition to begin with. I am not confident I will be able to sing a duet with your lead singer as I haven’t sung with another person in almost eight years.”
Jesse went quiet for a while before he looked over to his other band mates and excused himself for a while to talk to them. Ruby turned to Nathan, shrugging as he squeezed her shoulder in reassurance. He leaned closer to her and mouthed, “Don’t worry. They’re great guys and I honestly don’t think that what’s going on with you is going to be a hindrance in any way, though I thought it was pretty brave of you to tell them, they are just trying to work out how communication would work in addition to your condition.”
“Tell me more about them.”
“Their lead singer, Adam, is a great guy. Carson has worked with him before so they know each other pretty well. He writes most of the lyrics to their songs and the rest of the composition is usually up to Jesse and Mickey over there, the guy with the leather jacket.”
“What is their band called?”
Before she could make out the words on Nathan’s lips, a hand clasps her shoulder and she turns around to see Jesse’s apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. We were just trying to make sure—Oh fuck, your ear’s bleeding!”
She blinked, momentarily confused as to why he was pointing at her with his eyes widened in horror. His lips were moving so fast that she almost couldn’t tell what he was saying. The room, as dark as it already was, had become darker and from behind him, Ruby could see the moving shadows of people blur into one another. She felt light-headed, like she had while singing Halo but it wasn’t the good kind of light-headed. Ruby saw the room spin around her and that light-headedness disappeared into a sinking sensation, like gravity was determined to bring her down.
In that moment, she could almost hear a rush of wind through pierce her ear and feel Nathan’s tight grasp on her arm as she went down. Was it really over? Ruby didn’t remember thinking anything else except that it was a shame that her last moments of life had ended in complete and utter silence, with Nathan and four strangers towering over her and many dreams which would go to waste.
***
Jesse glanced at his watch for the twentieth time. He realized that he didn’t have to be there at the hospital but somehow he felt like he had to. The girl had been bleeding from the ear and he would feel like a total ass if he had left, even if he did know Nathan personally and the kid had told him everything was halright. Nathan was on the phone with his doctor, who was also the girl’s doctor as well and they were trying to figure out what went wrong with the medication. He stared at the curtained wall behind which laid the unconscious girl. Jesse had caught her before the back of her head hit the ground, but she had been out cold before then.
Jesse’s first impression of Ruby was that he thought she was still in college. Her shoulder-length hair has been recently cut, as he could tell from the neat trim, and unlike other Californians, she didn’t have that beach tan that came from walking along the shores everyday. When he walked into the bar in the middle of her rendition of Beyonce, though it wasn’t the powerful solid notes that had gotten to him, he was surprised to find himself drawn to a more elegant and refined remake of the piece, he found himself beckoning his band mates – though they didn’t need much beckoning since he didn’t doubt that they felt the same upon hearing her voice – towards the front of the bar so he could see the stage. Much to his surprise, he found a short girl standing in knee-length shorts and a plain white t-shirt, barefoot on the stage, clutching the microphone for dear life and singing her heart out, unaware of the audience that had been enthralled by her.
He had wanted to speak with her right away but for some reason, no matter how much he called to her, she just kept walking towards the bar, ignoring him completely. Fortunately he saw Nathan there talking to her and he explained to him that she couldn’t hear and that she was very much out of school if anything. Nathan hadn’t seemed very surprised to learn that Jesse had wanted her to work with the band, but then Jesse imagined that even she would not be very surprised either, considering the amount of training and talent she had.
He knew that her condition should have been a no-no when it came to working with Adam. For one, he was struggling to hit his original range and it would have made things more difficult to work with someone who could not hear well, but then he knew that her voice would be perfect. It would have been what they were all looking for in terms of who would sing the duet with Adam. It was not easy to find a voice to match Adam’s as he did not usually play around with a wide range of music, instead, focusing on perfecting what he already had in his arsenal. At this point with his standing in the music industry, they had to make everyone overlook his past deeds and by god, they were desperate to find the perfect singer for him.
“Are you Ms. Li’s family?” the doctor asked him. Jesse looked up to find Nathan standing in front of the doctor, talking to him. When he was just about to join them, his phone rang.
“Hey Adam, what’s up?” he answered, moving to a quiet corner.
“Where are you, Jesse? I’m on my way to the café.” Jesse could hear the sound of cars honking and people talking in the background and the fluctuation of Adam’s voice as he walked down the street.
“I’m going to be a little late, man. I’m at the hospital right now.” A pause. “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just here with someone. She’s a potential for an opener. The guys and I thought she would be awesome for that duet we wrote for you and we were in the middle of speaking to her before it went a little crazy.” Jesse nodded when Nathan pointed towards Ruby’s space and mouthed that he will be inside with her if Jesse still wanted to speak to her. “She’s awesome, Adam, you’re going to love her. I just gotta get her to agree to a rehearsal first. Hey look, I gotta go, okay?”
Jesse started towards the space until Adam stopped him and he responded, “You wanna meet her?” A pause. “Yea, sure you can come. I don’t know how much longer we’ll be here but I think she’s awake. Just hurry.”
The brunet walked towards the curtain and pushed his way through to see Ruby sitting there staring at her hands on her lap. Her white shirt is now partly bloody and there was a light bruise at the side of her face where she bumped it against the bar on the way down. Nathan was furiously signing something to her with a frown on his face until she finally retorted, a little tongue-tied, “They were working for a short while, so I thought it was okay. I had no idea it would make it worse.”
“You should have told me or Eve about it at least,” Nathan responded. “When did you say it was working? I don’t remember you telling me.”
“It was a couple of days ago when I was meeting you at that sandwich shop. I bumped into someone and for a second, I could hear everything and then it went away. I’m sorry Nathan, this is the first time it’s happened and if I had known, I would have told you guys.” She shook her head and looked up at Jesse, a little surprised to find him standing there. Apologetically, she said “I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t what you are bargaining for at all.”
Jesse shook his head and signed, “I didn’t expect you to come completely without any flaws. If anything, we would have been suspicious as to what other baggage you had – you’re not doing drugs, are you?”
Ruby laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood and shook her head, “No, I’m just deaf.”
“Well, I can handle that, I think. Look, it’s about to be August and we’ve got about four more months before we officially go on tour. Our lead singer has recently gotten out of a puddle of misery and we’re working towards our goal. I honestly think we’re going to be more than prepared come December and if you’re still up for it, I think you’ll be great on our team. Like I said before, just come into rehearsal and check us out. It’ll be a learning experience for everyone. You can continue your treatment and we can work through those obstacles with your doctor if you want.” Jesse paused and looked at Nathan, “She can sing and be in loud places, right?”
Nathan nodded and said, “Yea, that’s fine. Eve had said that if anything, it would be beneficial in terms of trying to get that infection to be displaced. Just don’t get too crazy with it like 80’s rock.”
“Not a problem, I don’t know if you’ve heard of us before, but our music is fairly laid back,” Jesse started to say more but the buzzing in his pocket stopped him. He pulled out his phone and glanced at the text from Adam, “Hey, look, our lead singer is coming. He wanted to meet you when I told him about you.”
“I’m in no condition to meet him!” Ruby furiously shook her head while pointing at her bloodied shirt, “I look horrible!”
“It’ll take five minutes, and he already knows about the situation so he doesn’t mind at all,” Jesse shook his head on the way out, not allowing her a chance to refuse, “It’ll be fine!”
Nathan sat down next to Ruby again, squeezing her arm, “Look, you can tell he obviously wants you on the band. I think you should give it a chance.”
“I don’t know, Nathan. I’m afraid to disappoint them. I know Eve’s going to get a piece of me for not telling her about it but it worries me to think about starting the next treatment and what if I’m not there half of the time?”
“You will be, I’ll make sure you’re there, okay? I’ll go with you to rehearsal and bring you back home.”
She laughed, “What about Jackson? He’s going to kick our butts for leaving him alone for so long.”
“No he’s not. Mrs. Larson loves having him around because he’s the only one who eats her sweets and you know he’ll never get mad at you because you’re the only one who spoils him! So don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on you, make sure everything’s going alright and next thing you know, we’ll get you hearing again.”
“Well, if you think it’ll be okay… then I’ll believe you,” Ruby got off the bed with his help and fell into deep thought before frowning, as if she had realized something, “What band did you say it was, again?”
Nathan had started to mouth the words but Ruby was no longer looking at him. Instead, she was staring straight ahead at the two who had just entered the room. Jesse was saying something to Adam, whose eyes were fixed on Ruby. Whatever conversation they were having quickly dissolved into thin air and suddenly the tension fell over them, thick and suffocating. A frown fell upon her lips as Adam walked up to her and held out his hand, introducing himself to her and saying what a pleasure it was to meet someone about whom Jesse sang such high praises.
The PhD film graduate has never seen his friend mad before. Flustered, embarrassed, and sometimes sad, perhaps, but mostly he had gotten used to the smile on her face whenever she was with Jackson and the peaceful look on her face while she got lost inside her own world, one filled with music, but this – this was something new. There was some kind of fire lighting up in her eyes and when Adam held out his hands, the fire exploded and it was like watching everything in slow motion. Her hand came out as though she was going to return the gesture, but instead, it bunched up with tensed white muscles and before anyone could say anything, Adam’s head snapped to the side when her fist collided with his cheek.