Forever, Our Secret
It was a strange world, she thought. How did she get here? In this world, it felt like time never existed--as though some other forces brought things along, for they never happened at a steady rate. One moment, she was defying the scariest man alive, the next she was sitting in his arms, intertwining her fingers with his. It was like an electric tingling to intertwine her hands with his, and oddly enough, she liked it. The ruby ring twinkled on the finger of her left hand, reminding her that she was not of this world. And to make things even stranger, she felt like she wanted to stay.
Yet in the midst of this happiness, she felt as though something was forgotten. As if there was someone else waiting for her somewhere. The somewhere where she had came from before all of this. And that someone wasn't the one who was holding her at the moment. He was someone else, perhaps. She knew that perhaps, this happiness will not go on for long. That the person who gave her this temporary happiness, this temporary security will soon be a distant memory once she returns to her world. His eyes gazed upon her questioningly, silently asking why her face looked so distant. And she answered with no clear answer, avoiding the subject at hand.
During what felt like their last time together, her eyes searched the crowd, searching for a certain presence that was found too soon for her liking. Her sister's shrinking back sent her running, absentmindedly ripping her own hand from his, leaving a familiar warmth that she had gotten used to during her time in this world. He cried out her name, shuffling to follow her. She shifted back and forth in the crowd, fighting to come back to him while keeping her gaze on her sister. Finally, when she had retrieved the desired attention from her sibling, she found herself trapped within a familiar embrace, hearing the breaking voice of the man--a wish to be shattered left his lips.
She resisted, trying to fight herself from his grip. When it was almost her victory, she felt her legs unable to move, watching her sister's searching expression, looking around to find the source of her voice. He still had her hand, gripping onto her left wrist with a sad expression, his eyes wishing for her to be by his side. She closed her eyes tightly, ripping herself from his grip, saying goodbye for the last time. When she had finally opened her eyes, she found herself closer to her sister's position. Turning around, she found him, his eyes gazing sadly upon her as he stood still, as if in the midst of the realization of his loss.
Forget him. She told herself. The feel of his hand on hers was still tingling on her wrist. When she looked down, the ruby ring that adorned her finger had disappeared, leaving a pale circular bind around her tan finger. It was too late to turn back, she knew as she continued to walk towards her sister. Calling out her sister's name, she had gotten the girl to turn around. She smiled, suddenly feeling the ache inside of her heart. Before she knew it, it felt as though something was tugging at her heart, ripping it from its rightful place. The next thing she knew, she was right back in her living room, gazing upon the empty surroundings that appeared as though she had never left it for even a second.
She had returned to her own world.
She looked back on her left hand to find that the ruby ring had indeed disappeared, but the tingling feeling of his hand was still there. The distant memory worked itself to her mind, replaying the events that happened in the world with no time in her head. Will she come back?
Yet in the midst of this happiness, she felt as though something was forgotten. As if there was someone else waiting for her somewhere. The somewhere where she had came from before all of this. And that someone wasn't the one who was holding her at the moment. He was someone else, perhaps. She knew that perhaps, this happiness will not go on for long. That the person who gave her this temporary happiness, this temporary security will soon be a distant memory once she returns to her world. His eyes gazed upon her questioningly, silently asking why her face looked so distant. And she answered with no clear answer, avoiding the subject at hand.
During what felt like their last time together, her eyes searched the crowd, searching for a certain presence that was found too soon for her liking. Her sister's shrinking back sent her running, absentmindedly ripping her own hand from his, leaving a familiar warmth that she had gotten used to during her time in this world. He cried out her name, shuffling to follow her. She shifted back and forth in the crowd, fighting to come back to him while keeping her gaze on her sister. Finally, when she had retrieved the desired attention from her sibling, she found herself trapped within a familiar embrace, hearing the breaking voice of the man--a wish to be shattered left his lips.
She resisted, trying to fight herself from his grip. When it was almost her victory, she felt her legs unable to move, watching her sister's searching expression, looking around to find the source of her voice. He still had her hand, gripping onto her left wrist with a sad expression, his eyes wishing for her to be by his side. She closed her eyes tightly, ripping herself from his grip, saying goodbye for the last time. When she had finally opened her eyes, she found herself closer to her sister's position. Turning around, she found him, his eyes gazing sadly upon her as he stood still, as if in the midst of the realization of his loss.
Forget him. She told herself. The feel of his hand on hers was still tingling on her wrist. When she looked down, the ruby ring that adorned her finger had disappeared, leaving a pale circular bind around her tan finger. It was too late to turn back, she knew as she continued to walk towards her sister. Calling out her sister's name, she had gotten the girl to turn around. She smiled, suddenly feeling the ache inside of her heart. Before she knew it, it felt as though something was tugging at her heart, ripping it from its rightful place. The next thing she knew, she was right back in her living room, gazing upon the empty surroundings that appeared as though she had never left it for even a second.
She had returned to her own world.
She looked back on her left hand to find that the ruby ring had indeed disappeared, but the tingling feeling of his hand was still there. The distant memory worked itself to her mind, replaying the events that happened in the world with no time in her head. Will she come back?
If there were any other way that fate could tease her, this would be it. She couldn’t tell whether or not it was a dream that he was right in front of her. His eyes, mouth, nose, face, ears, everything, she could remember all of those details from her dream. Hell, he had been sitting right in front of her ever since she ordered her usual dark coffee. She daren’t sleep after such a dream that had rendered her fearful of sleep. She feared returning to the place where she had lost him, what she feared even more was the prospect of repeating it.
This was definitely not a dream. Had it been a dream, they would be sitting together right then, his arms around her shoulder and her head on his. Had it been a dream, they would be speaking loving nothingness to each other for hours to pass. Had it been a dream, she would have had the courage to come up to him and confirm that it was indeed him. But it was not.
His lips spread into a wide grin when the love of his life returned from the bathroom with their daughter, and the love of his life was not she. Dread filled the bottom of her stomach like a weight, determined to bring her to her lowest point and keep her there as she watched his life progress as though she had never met him and he had never met her. Although, it was true, technically, they have never met each other. Perhaps the person in the dream was a mere manifestation of his image, perhaps she had seen him on the street and his face had remained in her subconscious until that dream.
He kissed his wife, calling for the waiter to come by their table so that they could order. She could hear the woman’s voice, sweet and honey-like, just as he had described her voice when they were together. The fair-skinned maiden laughed at something her lover had thrown out as a joke. She cringed on the inside, observing a happiness that was not hers. Her heart both melted and broke at the sound of his voice. The deep melancholy tone that haunted her every being, sending shivers through her spine every time she imagined it; the effect only intensified now that it is real.
She caught a glimpse of something familiar. If a heart could be broken further after it had first been broken, then this is what she was experiencing. The tiny red gem glimmered on the woman’s wedding finger as she squeezed her husband’s arm lovingly. Her daughter spoke, an angel created by the two beauties. The innocent expression on the little girl’s face reflected her obliviousness to the world’s corruption and evils. An perfectly innocent evil that would slowly manifest in everyone’s hearts, seeking what it will never get.
The constant blows of pain to her heart had been interrupted by her sister’s voice as the younger woman appeared at the restaurant, calling for her sister. She waved at the short-haired girl at the other end of the room, calling for her to come over so that they could leave and find another place to dine. When she turned to look at him, their eyes met for the first time.
For some reason, she felt utterly frightened. Be it the fear of finding that he will turn away because he doesn’t recognize her or be it the inevitable remorse of finding that he does but nothing could be done to help such a star-crossed romance, she felt utterly frightened. She turned away quickly, acknowledging the closing of distance accomplished by her sister.
“Sorry, sis, have you been waiting long?”
“No, just a while. I have to leave for work soon, you know, so hurry up and order.” She spoke, moving the chair so her younger sister could sit down in front of her. Perhaps the only thing that could prevent her from loving and missing him so much would be the lack of his image. Even then, his very face was etched inside of her mind.
“Alright, alright, sheesh. I haven’t seen you in two months now and you’re already rushing me.” Her sister laughed, setting her bag down on the table.
They talked for what felt like hours but had been only thirty minutes. Every now and then, she would glance down at her watch, earning a puzzling glance from her sister and an inquiry about her jumpiness. She lied with ease, responding that she was merely worried that she would be late returning to work and that her company had been suffering lately and needed its workers to put in more effort.
“You should start going then, gosh. You didn’t have to come join me for breakfast. All you had to do was tell me you couldn’t come.”
If she had told her that, she wouldn’t have seen him, she thought silently to her sister. She couldn’t tell if such an encounter was a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, she wanted out of the restaurant.
“Alright, sweetie. I love you.” She quickly said, kissing her sister on the cheek before heading for the entrance, ignoring the familiar sensation of his piercing stare into her back.
This was definitely not a dream. Had it been a dream, they would be sitting together right then, his arms around her shoulder and her head on his. Had it been a dream, they would be speaking loving nothingness to each other for hours to pass. Had it been a dream, she would have had the courage to come up to him and confirm that it was indeed him. But it was not.
His lips spread into a wide grin when the love of his life returned from the bathroom with their daughter, and the love of his life was not she. Dread filled the bottom of her stomach like a weight, determined to bring her to her lowest point and keep her there as she watched his life progress as though she had never met him and he had never met her. Although, it was true, technically, they have never met each other. Perhaps the person in the dream was a mere manifestation of his image, perhaps she had seen him on the street and his face had remained in her subconscious until that dream.
He kissed his wife, calling for the waiter to come by their table so that they could order. She could hear the woman’s voice, sweet and honey-like, just as he had described her voice when they were together. The fair-skinned maiden laughed at something her lover had thrown out as a joke. She cringed on the inside, observing a happiness that was not hers. Her heart both melted and broke at the sound of his voice. The deep melancholy tone that haunted her every being, sending shivers through her spine every time she imagined it; the effect only intensified now that it is real.
She caught a glimpse of something familiar. If a heart could be broken further after it had first been broken, then this is what she was experiencing. The tiny red gem glimmered on the woman’s wedding finger as she squeezed her husband’s arm lovingly. Her daughter spoke, an angel created by the two beauties. The innocent expression on the little girl’s face reflected her obliviousness to the world’s corruption and evils. An perfectly innocent evil that would slowly manifest in everyone’s hearts, seeking what it will never get.
The constant blows of pain to her heart had been interrupted by her sister’s voice as the younger woman appeared at the restaurant, calling for her sister. She waved at the short-haired girl at the other end of the room, calling for her to come over so that they could leave and find another place to dine. When she turned to look at him, their eyes met for the first time.
For some reason, she felt utterly frightened. Be it the fear of finding that he will turn away because he doesn’t recognize her or be it the inevitable remorse of finding that he does but nothing could be done to help such a star-crossed romance, she felt utterly frightened. She turned away quickly, acknowledging the closing of distance accomplished by her sister.
“Sorry, sis, have you been waiting long?”
“No, just a while. I have to leave for work soon, you know, so hurry up and order.” She spoke, moving the chair so her younger sister could sit down in front of her. Perhaps the only thing that could prevent her from loving and missing him so much would be the lack of his image. Even then, his very face was etched inside of her mind.
“Alright, alright, sheesh. I haven’t seen you in two months now and you’re already rushing me.” Her sister laughed, setting her bag down on the table.
They talked for what felt like hours but had been only thirty minutes. Every now and then, she would glance down at her watch, earning a puzzling glance from her sister and an inquiry about her jumpiness. She lied with ease, responding that she was merely worried that she would be late returning to work and that her company had been suffering lately and needed its workers to put in more effort.
“You should start going then, gosh. You didn’t have to come join me for breakfast. All you had to do was tell me you couldn’t come.”
If she had told her that, she wouldn’t have seen him, she thought silently to her sister. She couldn’t tell if such an encounter was a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, she wanted out of the restaurant.
“Alright, sweetie. I love you.” She quickly said, kissing her sister on the cheek before heading for the entrance, ignoring the familiar sensation of his piercing stare into her back.
Great. This was what she had feared. The note in her hand held but three simple words: “In our dreams.” The familiar words on the letter set about familiar images of that dream she had a certain number of months ago. It certainly did no good that she had seen the guy in real life with his wife and kids. Now he wanted to meet her? No, scratch that, it couldn't be him. He didn't even look at her then, she doubt he had seen her before.
She went to sleep that night, fearing for yet another dream. It had been a while since she has had a good night sleep. Ever since that night, she even feared closing her eyes. What else could go wrong?
As if it were a story, here she was once again. In that strange world, with him and his piercing gaze, looking right through her. She stood still while he approached her, not wanting any sudden movement to scare him away, or rather, his image away. The man in front of her could not be the one she had met many dreams ago, for he was one with a family. When he closed the distance, she could feel his hot breath on her neck, and it felt real. Such a sensation she longed for, his arms running down the length of hers, his touch, entirely ethereal. It couldn't have been a dream... could it?
How could a dream feel so real? How could her feelings feel so real?
“Why are you doing this to me?” She demanded.
He let out a soft sound, urging her to remain quiet as he continues his torture to her heart. He circles her, muttering soft sweet nothingness into her ears, telling her how much he misses her, how much he yearns for her touch, her love, her everything.
“Stop it... please. You've already a life of your own, why do you expect me to wait for you and suffer such a fate?” She cried, weakening under his touch.
Before her knees could turn liquid and touch the ground, he grabbed her, supporting her with his strong arms. She struggled against him, another attempt to escape, another attempt failed. She would never be able to escape him. His alluring aura will do nothing but trap her forever, even if he has a child, even if he already has a love of his own. What more could she ask for but to be with him, even if he wasn't hers?
Finally, she fell to his sweet torture, giving up her everything to him in her dreams. In his arms she laid crying, crying that this dream would soon end and she would have to go back to her life, without him, without this feeling, without anything but a mere dream to keep her company.
When she awoke, she could feel the chilly wind kiss dry trails of tears upon her cheeks. It felt too real, too good to be true, perhaps. Looking at herself in the mirror, her bruised lips protested otherwise, that it was not a dream. What could it have been then? Was there a break in? A stranger who had taken her without her notice? While she was in the midst of her dreams?
She returned to the restaurant the next morning, sitting absentmindedly with the burning cup of coffee in her hands. Her mind and heart had been filled with nothing but the dream and the evidence she had found of it that morning. Before the cup of coffee could touch her lips and burn her, a voice stopped her: “Don't hurt yourself now.”
She dropped the cup, staring with wide-eyed shock at the person sitting across from her. The features she had spent all night to memorize, it was right in front of her. The lips, the eyes, the voice, the face, the cheeks.. everything. “W-what are you doing here?”
“Have you forgotten me already?”
“I... but you're a dream...”
“Perhaps, but if you touch me, you'll know that I'm real.” He grabbed her hand and placed it against his cheeks. “See?”
“No!” She recoiled, standing up from her seat frantically. “No! You can't do that!”
“Why not?! Why can't I touch the woman I love?!”
By then, everyone in the restaurant turned their eyes towards them. She wanted to sink to the ground, to hide from everybody, to erase what he had said from their hearing, from their memory, and leave forever. Why did he have to say that now? Why did he have to say such a thing while her heart was still weak from his attack? She could tell that some of the murmuring customers have recognized who he is, someone who eats breakfast at this restaurant with his family every day.
Throwing her three dollars upon the table, she rushed out, quickly avoiding his grasp before she would once again fall to his temptation. She was able to reach a quiet place at the parking lot before he had caught up to her, murmuring a confused whisper as to why she would not recognize him when they were back at the restaurant. She tried her hardest to break free from him, but it would not be so.
“Don't lie to me, you adulterer!” She cried, hoping that such hurtful words would drive him away, away from her, away from her life, forever.
“Don't you remember me? Don't you remember that night?”
She went to sleep that night, fearing for yet another dream. It had been a while since she has had a good night sleep. Ever since that night, she even feared closing her eyes. What else could go wrong?
As if it were a story, here she was once again. In that strange world, with him and his piercing gaze, looking right through her. She stood still while he approached her, not wanting any sudden movement to scare him away, or rather, his image away. The man in front of her could not be the one she had met many dreams ago, for he was one with a family. When he closed the distance, she could feel his hot breath on her neck, and it felt real. Such a sensation she longed for, his arms running down the length of hers, his touch, entirely ethereal. It couldn't have been a dream... could it?
How could a dream feel so real? How could her feelings feel so real?
“Why are you doing this to me?” She demanded.
He let out a soft sound, urging her to remain quiet as he continues his torture to her heart. He circles her, muttering soft sweet nothingness into her ears, telling her how much he misses her, how much he yearns for her touch, her love, her everything.
“Stop it... please. You've already a life of your own, why do you expect me to wait for you and suffer such a fate?” She cried, weakening under his touch.
Before her knees could turn liquid and touch the ground, he grabbed her, supporting her with his strong arms. She struggled against him, another attempt to escape, another attempt failed. She would never be able to escape him. His alluring aura will do nothing but trap her forever, even if he has a child, even if he already has a love of his own. What more could she ask for but to be with him, even if he wasn't hers?
Finally, she fell to his sweet torture, giving up her everything to him in her dreams. In his arms she laid crying, crying that this dream would soon end and she would have to go back to her life, without him, without this feeling, without anything but a mere dream to keep her company.
When she awoke, she could feel the chilly wind kiss dry trails of tears upon her cheeks. It felt too real, too good to be true, perhaps. Looking at herself in the mirror, her bruised lips protested otherwise, that it was not a dream. What could it have been then? Was there a break in? A stranger who had taken her without her notice? While she was in the midst of her dreams?
She returned to the restaurant the next morning, sitting absentmindedly with the burning cup of coffee in her hands. Her mind and heart had been filled with nothing but the dream and the evidence she had found of it that morning. Before the cup of coffee could touch her lips and burn her, a voice stopped her: “Don't hurt yourself now.”
She dropped the cup, staring with wide-eyed shock at the person sitting across from her. The features she had spent all night to memorize, it was right in front of her. The lips, the eyes, the voice, the face, the cheeks.. everything. “W-what are you doing here?”
“Have you forgotten me already?”
“I... but you're a dream...”
“Perhaps, but if you touch me, you'll know that I'm real.” He grabbed her hand and placed it against his cheeks. “See?”
“No!” She recoiled, standing up from her seat frantically. “No! You can't do that!”
“Why not?! Why can't I touch the woman I love?!”
By then, everyone in the restaurant turned their eyes towards them. She wanted to sink to the ground, to hide from everybody, to erase what he had said from their hearing, from their memory, and leave forever. Why did he have to say that now? Why did he have to say such a thing while her heart was still weak from his attack? She could tell that some of the murmuring customers have recognized who he is, someone who eats breakfast at this restaurant with his family every day.
Throwing her three dollars upon the table, she rushed out, quickly avoiding his grasp before she would once again fall to his temptation. She was able to reach a quiet place at the parking lot before he had caught up to her, murmuring a confused whisper as to why she would not recognize him when they were back at the restaurant. She tried her hardest to break free from him, but it would not be so.
“Don't lie to me, you adulterer!” She cried, hoping that such hurtful words would drive him away, away from her, away from her life, forever.
“Don't you remember me? Don't you remember that night?”
She did! She did remember yesterday, that's precisely why she wanted to avoid him! “You have a wife! A child! Why would you want me to...” She stopped before she could say more, not because she didn't want to say it, but she couldn't. The tears that were flowing from her face prevented her from saying the words she wanted to say most. “Why would you want me to be with you...”
“Because I love you.”
“You love your family.”
“Don't push me away when you need me too.”
“I don't need you.”
“Don't lie. You would have broken away from me that night had you not needed me.”
“So what? Are you going to leave your wife? Are you going to leave your beautiful child behind? To be with me?”
“I--”
“That's what I thought, and I will not be one to break up a family... please... just leave me alone.”
“I can't. I have to be with you. I need to be with you.”
The way he said those words, she fell. The tears with which he said them, she fell even harder. The feelings with which he said those words, she fell like a fallen angel. Here, she knew she was going to transgress against her most sacred vow: she was about to do something for which she will hate herself.
It was as though everything came back to her. Every memory that had escaped her has returned. Her best friend, or rather, former best friend, the woman beside him that day. And him, the man she fell in love with long before she had forgotten him. He touched his forehead against her, eyes closed, breathing softly, and yet, she could still feel his piercing stare. Tears flowed down her eyes, knowing that she was about to do the worst that a woman could do.
Her lips touched his for the first time, and the feeling came back. The memory of the night they were together before that moment, that moment the light had taken her away. The moment that she heard her sister's voice calling her back, and the loud honk warning her to get out of the way before she...
“I remember you.”
He smiled, caressing her cheeks softly before kissing her forehead, “I love you.”
“But your family...”
“I love them too, but I can't live without you. I would bear the pain of this transgression if it means I can be with you. If it means that--”
Placing a finger upon his lips, she silenced him. That was enough, that he would sacrifice everything to be her star-crossed lover. That's all she wanted to hear. It was enough for her to sacrifice everything to be his.
The dream was over, perhaps, and so, another chapter. The end it is, for the two lovers to be together in such a forbidden way because of their fear of hurting others and their desire to be together. Is this the fate of all forbidden lovers? Have we judged them wrongly because of such shameful misconception?
“Because I love you.”
“You love your family.”
“Don't push me away when you need me too.”
“I don't need you.”
“Don't lie. You would have broken away from me that night had you not needed me.”
“So what? Are you going to leave your wife? Are you going to leave your beautiful child behind? To be with me?”
“I--”
“That's what I thought, and I will not be one to break up a family... please... just leave me alone.”
“I can't. I have to be with you. I need to be with you.”
The way he said those words, she fell. The tears with which he said them, she fell even harder. The feelings with which he said those words, she fell like a fallen angel. Here, she knew she was going to transgress against her most sacred vow: she was about to do something for which she will hate herself.
It was as though everything came back to her. Every memory that had escaped her has returned. Her best friend, or rather, former best friend, the woman beside him that day. And him, the man she fell in love with long before she had forgotten him. He touched his forehead against her, eyes closed, breathing softly, and yet, she could still feel his piercing stare. Tears flowed down her eyes, knowing that she was about to do the worst that a woman could do.
Her lips touched his for the first time, and the feeling came back. The memory of the night they were together before that moment, that moment the light had taken her away. The moment that she heard her sister's voice calling her back, and the loud honk warning her to get out of the way before she...
“I remember you.”
He smiled, caressing her cheeks softly before kissing her forehead, “I love you.”
“But your family...”
“I love them too, but I can't live without you. I would bear the pain of this transgression if it means I can be with you. If it means that--”
Placing a finger upon his lips, she silenced him. That was enough, that he would sacrifice everything to be her star-crossed lover. That's all she wanted to hear. It was enough for her to sacrifice everything to be his.
The dream was over, perhaps, and so, another chapter. The end it is, for the two lovers to be together in such a forbidden way because of their fear of hurting others and their desire to be together. Is this the fate of all forbidden lovers? Have we judged them wrongly because of such shameful misconception?